Changes

I have been doing a bad job at keeping up with this blog. I realized it is because I have not been sure of the direction I want it to take. So after a lot of thinking, I have decided to end this blog and the IF chapter of my life. I know that it will always be a part of me and I will never forget all that we went through, but I just feel it is time. I have another blog that I talk more about life with CF and pregnancy, and would be glad to have any of you that want to follow along on there. Just send me an email (tothosewhowait7@gmail.com) and I will give you the link.

I appreciate the support I have recieved from the IF community more than I can express. I will continue to follow the journeys of those who have opened their lives to me and I will always be thinking of you and hoping for you.

Poked & Proded

I am not sure what I was thinking when I scheduled 3 doctors appointments within 24 hours (Tues/Wed) but I did it and here are the updates:

Perinatologist (MFM): Cervix looked good, babies looked good. She put me back on the monitor which showed mild uterine irritability (but looked better than last week). The plan: take things week by week, and continue another 48 hours of the anti-inflammatory meds.

CF Clinic: Went well for the most part. My pulmonary health seems to only be impaired very midling and I am so happy to see that things did not get worse even though the babies and my belly are much bigger. The doc asked me if I was exercising. Really!? Ummmm I am pretty much on bedrest lady. It was exercise to get to this appointment.

OB: Blood pressure was good, weight good, babies looked good, cervix good. As of yesterday (23w1d) I am measuring 39 weeks in a singleton pregnancy. The doc said I can anticipate some back and forth with admits to the hospital before these babies are born and possibly being on bedrest in the hospital later on until they are born. He also mentioned that next week (at 24 weeks) I might receive a steroid shot to help develop the babies' lungs in the event that they are born very early. I took my Gestational Diabetes test yesterday and will get a call today or tomorrow if they were bad.

Since we are getting so close the "critical period" of 24-28 weeks I have noticed that fears are trying to creep in. I just want these girls to be born healthy so bad. But for the most part I am keeping fears at bay and staying positive. Here is what my life consists of lately: Netflix, FarmVille, Couponing, Reading, Eating, Sleeping, and Sitting in the girls' room looking at everything and imagining them here.

Today I am stopping by work (quickly) to fill out my termination paperwork, return files, and say goodbyes. I am ready to have a clean break from work and to not worry about checking in or filling out any paperwork with them although it will be sad to say goodbye. They have been so supportive and even sent me flowers while I was in the hospital. But it is time to prepare for my and toughest job to date: mom to triplets!

Hello Again and Lots of Updates

Is anyone still out there? I am so sorry I have not blogged in over 2 weeks! Things have been hectic to say the least. Let's start with some quick updates to bring you up to speed:

-I am 22w4d pregnant today
-Baby A & Baby C weigh 1lb 3oz; Baby B weighs 1lb 2oz
-The girls look healthy and perfect
-I am no longer working
-I am kind of on bedrest (more on that in a sec)

22w Triplet Belly

This pregnancy has had its minor bumps within the past month. My cervix started shortening at a concerning rate. One week it lost almost a whole centimeter. But I cut back on work and general activity and it lengthened back and seems to be holding strong and is not a concern now.

At Tuesday's doctors appointment I mentioned to the MFM that I had been feeling different and my belly felt tight and my back was hurting. After scanning my cervix and the babies (which looked great) she put me on a monitor to measure uterine activity. The results concerned her a little because it showed "uterine irritability" and some minor contractions. She thought it could be due to dehydration so I was immediately admitted to the hospital and put on IV fluids and some meds to relax the uterus. After staying there for 48 hours with little to no change I was discharged. They did think I have a UTI and gave me antibiotics to take home with me.

The whole thing was a little scary, and confusing. On one hand they seemed concerned, and on the other it was no big deal. I guess what is happening right now is normal, but we don't want it to progress...? That is the best summary I can think of. So I am to be on bedrest (not strict bedrest, but really laying around as much as possible) until my follow up on Tuesday. Sorry if that synopsis did not make sense, but that is the best I can do with trying to keep it short.

If you are still out there reading, thank you! I am sure I am going to be blogging a lot more, commenting a lot more, and participating in ICLW this month as I have plenty of time on my hands. Please give me a shout out if you are still here!

I am sorry I have neglected my poor blog!

20 Week Update

Today's 20 week doctor's appointment had some good news, and some not so good news. Let's start with the good news:

The babies are doing great! They are still on the larger side for their gestational age: Baby A weighs 12oz and Baby B & C weigh 13oz. They were very active as usual during the ultrasound and they were all more stretched out and looked less cramped up than at the last one. The ultrasound tech assured me that they have lots of room in there to grow and that they are still "beastly". All three of their hearts were beating in unison at 150 bmp. Isn't that the cutest! They are syncing up with each other :)

Now for the not so great news...my cervix has shorted about a centimeter. Our doctor was somewhat concerned about it. Not so much about what the measurement itself was (between 2.6-3.0cm) but at the rate of which it is shortening. She said we need to do what we can to preserve its length to avoid hospital bed rest in the near future. So she said I need to cut back even more from work. She said I can go in 2 days a week only and work from home 3 days a week. I am not sure if this is even an option at my job. If it is not then I guess I am ending work earlier than expected. I really hope it doesn't come to that this soon, but I guess I will find out when I talk to my bosses tomorrow. The doc said I can go in tomorrow, but that I need to take off Thurs and Fri. Monday I already have off b/c of Memorial Day, so it looks like I will be taking a total of 5 days off. She wants to see me back in a week.

I think that a couple of months ago I got in the mindset that this was going to be an unpredictable journey with lots of ups and downs, and at that point I relinquished most of my control. So I am not too surprised by this news. I am just taking it for what it is, and will do what my doctor recommends. No need to panic now, just taking things one step at a time and doing what I need to do.

There was a moment during the ultrasound where I just thought to myself, I just love them so much, and I started to get teary eyed. I am already so bonded to these girls. I get to watch them grow and change every week and I amazed and proud of them every time I see them. Everything they do is cute...even in utero! Putting their hands by their faces, kicking each other, making sucking faces. It is all just so cute! :) I am in love already.

19w1d Appointment Update & A Plan

Yesterday I had an OB appointment and it went well. At these appointments they do a quick ultrasound to check heartbeats and then it is mostly about me (blood pressure, weight, cervix check, measuring my uterus, etc). 

The girls were very active during the ultrasound yesterday--I asked them to take a peak to confirm that they were indeed, still all girls...I have heard too many stories about doctors being wrong. I was relieved to confirm that they are still all girls! Baby A ('Lil A) and Baby C (Ci Ci) were basically folded in half with their little legs almost touching their heads. The tech said that was normal for any baby and that babies are really flexible in utero. 'Lil A was having snack time and kept moving her little mouth around like she was sucking up the amniotic fluid. All 3 heartbeats were great and I did not get dizzy during the ultrasound! Yea!

BP was good, weight was good (and high), cervix good, and the doc said that my uterus is measuring around 32-33 cm which is about the size of a 32-33 week singleton pregnancy! When my doctor first came into the room he said "Wow, you have really blossomed". It made me laugh. 

Doc said he does not want me working past 24 weeks. I am totally ok with this and feel relieved that we have a plan. He said things can change before that, but assuming all remains well until, my last day of work will be June 21st which is only 4 1/2 weeks away! 

We talked a little about my breathing difficulties and that is one reason why he wants to remain cautious and no work past 24 weeks. He said in order to maximize cardiac output I will need to be basically resting all the time. He did not use the words "BED REST" per say, so maybe I will just be taking it easy. Who knows...but I like having a plan, even if it is a loose one. 

At the beginning of the pregnancy time was going by so slow. I couldn't wait to start showing and to stop feeling nauseous. Now it seems like time is flying by and that the babies will be here before we know it. They can safely (using this term loosely) arrive anywhere between 13-18 weeks from now...how crazy is that!? The longer the better and my goal is to make it to 35 weeks. At 35 weeks they say that babies have learned most of what they need to know in utero and if there are no complications can probably go home with mommy and daddy. I know there are no guarantees but it doesn't hurt to remain positive and optimistic. "They" also say that preemie girls tend to do much better than preemie boys so we have that on our side as well. Go girls, go! Keep growing big and strong and be nice to each other!

Updated belly pic coming soon!

Proud Mama

On Tuesday we had our 18 week appointment with our MFM. I learned that they basically do a full anatomy scan on each of the babies at every ultrasound because it is almost impossible for them to get all the measurements they need from each of the babies during one session. The girls looked great! They are getting so big. They each weighed 9 oz which puts them in the 75-86th percentile. The average weight of a fetus at 18 weeks is 6.7 oz (or something like that). The tech also told me it was very rare for all 3 of them to weigh the same. I think they are competitive with each other already!

I am so proud of them! The ultrasound tech said we had some beastly babies, and I took that as a great compliment. We want big, healthy babies. Since they will be born early the bigger they can be the better. The MFM said from all the measurements she was able to get they all looked remarkably healthy. It was such a relief to walk out of that appointment. Like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me.

Baby C has already migrated way up almost to my ribs. I can't believe she is already all the way up there. I had been feeling what I thought was movement right under my left rib, and the ultrasound confirmed it. So crazy!

Today was a big milestone. I knew the day would come, I just didn't think it would come so soon...I outweigh my husband! Now, he isn't a very large guy--he has a thin build and is only 5'9/5'10. It is just a weird feeling to outweigh him! I have gained almost 20 lbs in 18w2d! It seems to be that all 4 of us girls are gaining weight nicely :) Looks like the high protein diet (and my splurges) are paying off. 

Growing Pains

For the past several evenings (around dinner time each day) I have been experiencing some pain/pressure/tightness down low on my uterus. The pain seemed to be getting progressively worse each night. So on the way home for work on Wed I called my OBs office. The nurse suggested that if it were to happen again tonight that I should go the ER. 

I was already having the pain as we spoke so I drove straight to the hospital. They did an ultrasound (which looked good) and a urine test for a UTI (which came back negative). They sent me on my way and said they felt it was just "growing pains".

The next day I followed up with my MFM who told me she would like to see me that day. I took the day off work to rest and went on in. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes. They did a vaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix. It was at 4.0cm which is very good! The hospital measured it (via abdominal ultrasound) the day before at 3.2cm. The MFM told me that the most accurate way to measure a cervix is via vaginal ultrasound.

So anyway, she told me that the pressure/pain I am experiencing is normal, but usually does not happen this early. She said she thinks it is time to start cutting back on my work hours. Her recommendation is 6 hour work days instead of 8 for now. So today I need to talk to my boss and see if this is ok. I am happy with this solution  because I do feel like my body is telling me to take it easier. 

First and foremost, I am so relieved that everything is ok with the babies. Secondly, I am trying not to allow these so called "growing pains" to worry me, but they either make me think something is wrong or cause me to fear the discomfort that lies ahead. I know that some stretching/pulling is considered normal, but sometimes I feel that what I am experiencing is beyond that.

It is time to trust that everything is ok and let go of the rest. This is my new mantra and I am going to try so hard to live by this. Sometimes that damn fear is just so tempting. 

17 Week Triplet Belly

Growing By The Second

Go Away Fear, You Are Not Welcome Here

This weekend we hit a big milestone. We started registering for gifts for our baby girls. I had no idea I would feel emotional about it. But while walking around the stores with my DH and picking and choosing the baby items really made me pause and feel so grateful. Planning for a shower feels surreal. There were several times throughout our TTC journey when my doubts and fears overwhelmed me and I thought I might never be sitting at my own baby shower, or that I would never have a need to register for baby products.

But here we are. Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks. I got teary-eyed just picking things up off the shelf and picturing OUR baby/babies using them. I know to some that this is early to register, but I don't really have much of a choice. I am getting more uncomfortable by the day, and to avoid missing my shower due to possible bed rest, my first (having 2) shower is in less than 4 weeks!!

Registering was a lot of fun. I did research on products and even made a spreadsheet (I know, a little much) before we hit the stores so that we wouldn't feel overwhelmed with all that we needed. It is very hard to stick to a "theme" when buying products for 3 babies, and instead of getting them all the same thing (when it comes to things like swings and exersaucers) we were pretty much all over the place and things don't all match. I even threw in a lot of blues and greens even though they are girls, because I love those colors. I am also not sure how much I could tolerate a whole house full of pink. 

Their nursery will be brown and pink for the most part, so don't worry, the pink will have its place :) This weekend my parents are coming into town and they have generously offered to purchase the babies' cribs, so we will be crib hunting. We are so lucky, and it is such a relief financially to not have to buy three cribs. 

As I get further along in the pregnancy I notice that all kinds of fears try to creep into my consciousness. It is like the more I settle into my pregnancy, the more some defense mechanism wants to comes out telling me to protect myself. I have done a fairly good job of ignoring that part of me, but it is there deep down somewhere. Do we all have that? I am DETERMINED not to let fear ruin this experience. I have ultrasounds pretty much weekly...what more proof do I need that everything is ok with the babies? Also my daily belly growth should be enough proof, but still at times I find myself fearing worst case scenarios. I really just remind myself that there is no reason to worry unless I have a reason to worry. I try to relax. And I try to just appreciate every single moment.

Pink, Pink, Pink It Is!

Yesterday I had my 16 week check up with my perinatologist and she confirmed that we are indeed expecting three little ladies! The girls looked great and are each weighing in at a whopping 5 oz each. She said they were in the 70th-ish percentile so I am very proud of my little ones. I guess me feeling like the life is being sucked out of me is worth it because it seems like they are taking what they need from me. 


It is such a relief to see the babies on the u/s and to know they are doing good. I can't believe how high up Baby C is already (almost to my ribs)! 


I have my cervix checked at each appointment and the doc said that 3 weeks ago it measured at 4.0 cm, but yesterday measured at 3.7 cm. She said it was not too much of a cause of concern right now, just something she will be looking at closely, and would like to start seeing me every 2 weeks. Remember, I also see an OB, so it looks like I am about to start weekly appointments (since alternating between the two). A shortening/weakening cervix could be cause for bedrest so I am hoping for it to stay very strong!


After the appointment we took a private tour of the NICU. The nurse was so nice and informative. One of the first things she said to me was, "I know you hear all the scary stories, but you need to know that we have plenty of triplets born who we don't even see in the NICU because they go home with their mommy and daddy". It is very helpful for me to hear the positive stories. We saw some tiny babies in there and I just wanted to hold all of them. I feel a lot better having seen the NICU and having the nurse explain things like visiting policies, and what to expect in the NICU. She told me to be sure I take the "regular" tour also, so I will make sure to do that. 


Although on some level this whole thing is still pretty surreal, it is already becoming normal. And now I am really getting excited about their arrival. Outside of massive dizzy spells I am feeling great and just taking things day by day. 


Thanks for the supportive comments about my family/financial drama. They really helped. DH has been talking to his dad about figuring something out. Let's hope for some resolution that is manageable!

Family/Financial Issues Vent

There has been a situation that I am really trying to not get worked up about, but I am having a very hard time so I am going to vent about it here. I know that this stress is not good for the pregnancy so I really need some help in not letting it get to me. 

A little background: My DH and I have been together since college when we were broke and our parents didn't give us very much money to live on. Then I started grad school so we were living on one income. Long story short, we have never been the most financially stable, and only recently have had enough money to pursue fertility treatments and to start saving for a baby. Once the triplets are born I will not be returning to work for many reasons (impossible to afford childcare for 3 babies, I want to raise my children, childcare would be a logistical nightmare, etc), so we will once again be living on one income.

The Situation: My DH's parents are divorced. It was his parents' agreement that they would each pay for half of his college education. Right before Christmas, his father told his mother (via email) that he was "done" with his half and that it was her turn to pick up the student loans for her half. Instead of them working things out on their own, DH's mom came to DH and said she couldn't afford to take them over and asked if he would handle it. For some reason, it is IMPOSSIBLE for my DH to confront his mother about anything. He talked to his dad about it and his dad said he would take care of it.

Fast forward, almost 6 months, and last week I got a call from a collections agency. Apparently no one has "taken care of" or paid the student loans since before Christmas and the account has been turned over to a collections agency in my husband's name. We have to pay an additional $2k to remove the delinquency and then back to payments for the remaining $5k of the student loan. 

I am freaking out because we CANNOT afford to take on this added expense right now. We are already concerned with being able to afford care for 3 babies on one income. Adding another monthly payment is next to impossible. We are already have some debt we are trying to pay off and a very little amount of money in savings. 

I am PISSED at my MIL because she constantly plays the victim, she is passive aggressive, and avoids any potential conflict. She should have just worked things out with my FIL instead of going to my DH with it. I feel HELPLESS because there is nothing I can do in this situation to take care of it, and it is not my place to ask his parents to try to resolve this. DH just wants us to figure this out on our own. How in the world are we going to afford 3 babies!?!?! How will we make ends meet? Just when I feel like we are getting ahead financially we are taken back by this and I feel like it was not our fault. I am so scared of what this financial stress is going to do to us once the babies are hear, and for what it is already doing. 

I am not sure how you can help. I am hoping for any advice or support. I am allowing this to make me anxious and upset, and I know that is the last thing I need to be right now. If you made it this far...THANK YOU!

Before and During Pics

CD1, 0w1d pregnant. I have to admit I was flexing...

15w4 Triplet Belly

Hope everyone has a great Easter! :)

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

What do I do when I feel overwhelmed? Make lists of course! All of a sudden at 15w2d pregnant I feel like time is running out to get everything done that I need to. I think I have mentioned before that my MFM informed me that some women who are pregnant with triplets don't need bedrest at all, while some need it as early as 18-20 weeks. I am being very optimistic that the later won't be me, but I would also like to be prepared in the event that it could be.

My mom is throwing me a shower for family/friends on May 29th and I will be just over 20 weeks (and the size of a 30+ week singleton pregnancy). I have been adamant about not wanting to possibly miss my one and only baby shower because I might be on bedrest so we aired on the side of cautioned and planned to have it early as I am told most triplet moms do. So that means the shower is in less than 6 weeks and we have not registered yet. 

My first list is of things we want to register for. The list is mighty long. If you think about all the things you need for one baby and multiply almost everything by 3 that's my list. Of course there are some things we won't need 3 of, but for the most part this list is overwhelmingly long. But I keep telling myself that we can make do with whatever we have and that there are a lot of things on that list that are not "necessities". 

My second list is a list of people to invite to the shower. I can't wait to share in this excitement with all of them! At the same time it feels surreal that we are already planning my baby shower. Not so long ago I wasn't sure if this event would ever happen. 

My third list is a to-do list in which I am trimming the fat on our budget. Since we will be living on one modest income after the babies are born, we really need to cut corners. I am researching cheaper phone, cable, etc plans just to trim things down a bit.

My fourth list is a general household to-do list. There are many things we need to do to prepare for the babies like moving furniture around, fixing a couple of things around the house, etc. We plan on starting the nursery within the next month.

I feel like everything is fast forwarded with a HOM (higher order multiple) pregnancy. And I suppose it is, seeing as though an average triplet pregnancy lasts 32 weeks. Imagine taking 2 months off the entire process. I know we will be ready, but all of a sudden time is ticking and I would like to be as prepared as we can in the event that I am a prisoner to my bed and can't do anything but sit around and think about all the things I wish I could have taken care of. 

So those are my lists, and as I cross each item off I feel a little better. 

BTW, one last update: My OB's office called yesterday to inform me that my hemoglobin was low. I was already taking iron supplements 3xs a week since my OB said that anemia is very common in HOM pregnancies, but the nurse told me to take daily from now on. I was kind of glad to hear this in a way, because maybe that has been the cause of my dizziness, and if so, I am hoping that by upping my iron intake it will alleviate that!

Changes

My body is changing so rapidly I can't keep up with it. Last night was a real eye opener for me. During almost the whole first trimester I wasn't too keen on any physical intimacy with DH. I felt sick and tired most of the time. Well, since about 12 weeks when things started to improve, intimacy was green lighted once again! Last night was horrible and I just wanted to share...maybe TMI, but I will be tasteful. 

DH and I were BD (can we still call it that even though we already made the babies?) and we had to keep stopping and taking breaks because I was getting dizzy and out of breath. It was really annoying and I did not want to stop, but I also did not want to pass out. It also felt like there was something between us (because there was! a belly with three babies in it). That was weird. We had to be creative with positioning and we worked something out that was mutually beneficial. 

Immediately after I started crying (hormonal much?). I feel like my body is not mine anymore and I am completely ok with that 99% of the time. But if I am being honest, there are times when things start to get uncomfortable that it becomes frustrating. It also made me fear what is ahead a little. I am going to get HUGE and I am not going to be able to do most things. With a higher order multiple pregnancy some/most doctors do not want you having intercourse past 20 weeks because it can cause contractions. But really, this whole breakdown wasn't about the sex itself...it is more about some of my fear with what is to come and the limitations that are going to be placed on my body. Last night I had trouble making it through some very easy, gentle intimacy. Breaks!? It just felt so weird. It made me afraid of all the little things that are going to make me feel out of breath/dizzy or that I won't even be able to do for myself. Thinking about how uncomfortable I will get that I won't be able to sleep. Yikes. 

I try to live in the moment and enjoy things one day at a time and I really do a good job of that! But last night was quite the wake up call of how much is changing and will continue to change. The sacrifices are WELL worth it, but it is a strange thing to not really have control of your body anymore. I keep telling myself that I can do it. I guess I should try not to catastrophize and just chalk it up to a bad day...

I hope no one is offended by this post. I truly feel like I can be 100% honest here because of how supportive you all are, and also because of the anonymity. I thought maybe others can relate and if not I could just have an outlet. 

14w3d OB Updates

Had an OB appointment today. I love going to the doctor's appointments. Not only do we get to see the babies each time, but I get to ask all of the questions that have been floating around in my head for the past week or so. 

The babies looked great on the ultrasound. This tech (different office) is also thinking 3 girls, but also made it a point to say that it was still early at 14w3d. One of the babies looked like she was punching the other. The fights are already starting! I was laying flat on my back during the ultrasound and started getting extremely dizzy (like almost pass out dizzy) so she had me turn on my side and I felt better. She and the doc explained that when the uterus expands if you lay flat it constricts the major arteries that bring blood and oxygen to your head. They said it happens a lot and not to worry. But that is why you should not lay flat on our back after 20 weeks (and for me and my quick growing uterus, now). 

The doctor said things looks great so far! The two main things we check and are concerned with are blood pressure and cervix. Those are the two main reasons (other than babies being in distress) for pre-term delivery and also indicators of needing bed rest. My BP today was a nice 105/59 and he said my cervix was "long, thick, strong, and beautiful". Sorry to explain my parts in such detail, but I was so proud of my cervix that I just had to share. I told my husband that my cervix is like steel and is probably why we couldn't get pregnant...at least now it is a benefit! Not necessarily true but I like to find the silver lining. So at each appointment we hope for low blood pressure and a strong cervix that has not shortened. 

The most interesting thing I learned today was how much my uterus has grown and moved up. He showed me where it was (up between my belly button and rib cage). And I could even feel it! It is amazing how much is changing in my body so quickly. 

Next I headed over to my appointment with the dietitian who specializes in multiple pregnancies. Honestly, I think it was a waste of $95. She was very pleased with my ALREADY 12LB weight gain!! We only met for 30 minutes and she gave me a handout with notes about things to eat, what to be careful with, etc. I think she could have just emailed me the handout and I would have gotten the same from it. But anyway, the 3 main take homes were that I need 100 oz of fluid per day, 120 grams of protein, and at least a 50 lb weight gain! It was a nice reminder to eat protein with each meal and there were some helpful suggestions on the list for ways to incorporate protein. 

Most women have frequent urination as a first trimester symptom...but this has been a new development for me. And let's just say that coughing is risky these days. Someone (or more) must be growing very close to my bladder. The headaches seem to be getting better. I am definitely feeling the growing pains of my uterus and it some times wakes me up at night. Feels like stretching and pulling and soreness. Understandable considering how fast I am growing! Overall the saying that the second trimester is the best trimester is proving to be true. I try not to think about how uncomfortable I will be in the future and enjoy being able to move around while I can. 

So that's about it! Now I am at work trying to pretend like I am doing something when all I want to do is think about babies and enjoy my weekend! Happy Friday to all and have a great weekend! 

14 Weeks and Reflections

14 Weeks today! What a milestone! No matter who you ask I am officially, officially in the second trimester! I love Tuesdays because we get bumped up to the next week. 

When I reflect back on the first trimester, I can't believe how far we've come in this pregnancy and yet we've only just begun this journey in some ways...

It all started with a very faint BFP on 10dpiui. I remember taking HPTs almost daily up until my first ultrasound (for about 2 weeks). I still have all the tests! At the time I wanted to believe it was finally happening, but I needed to see it!

And then our first ultrasound at 5w6d on Valentine's Day. I will never forget the ultrasound tech's first words after taking a look "well, this is interesting". Our lives changed forever that day when we saw 3 sacs. I have never been so shocked in my life. I truly did not know what to think other than to be elated that we had achieved pregnancy. Although there were only 2 heartbeats at the time, I think deep down I knew the third would come around...and it did.

Then fear set in. I had doubts about my ability to carry 3 babies. I was scared for them and I was scared for me. But soon after seeing 3 heartbeats our hearts were made up and these were our babies no matter what and we were up for the challenge.

Next was nausea...it was like having the worst hangover every single day for about 5 weeks. But of course it is worth it. 

And now here we are in the second trimester and I am so in love with these beings that are living inside of me. The nausea has subsided and headaches have replaced it...oh well, I would rather have headaches. I am really proud of myself for not letting fear ruin this experience for me. Of course scary and irrational thoughts pop into my brain, but I have done a really good job of pushing them aside and feeling strong and confident. I have my moments, but they are just that...moments. 

This Friday (14w3d) I have an OB appointment and an appointment with a dietitian who specializes in pregnancies with multiples. I have gained 9 lbs and my stomach has popped (belly pics to come) but I have a long way to go as far as growth and weight. I can't wait to see the babies again and to see how they have grown. I am in awe of what is taking place and even feeling sentimental that this might/probably will be my only pregnancy. It is just amazing how much I have changed both physically and emotionally since that faint BFP. I hope so much that the rest of this pregnancy is healthy and happy and that I can handle any challenges that arise...because of course, there will be challenges. I do think it is important to stop and reflect and give ourselves credit every once in awhile :) Thanks for letting me share!

13 Week Whirlwind and Thinking Very Pink!

The past few days have felt like a whirlwind. There have been some major developments: 1) I entered the second trimester (well, according to some, I am 13w1d) 2) We have announced the pregnancy to more than just our close friends 3) I told my bosses and 4) We had our NT scan yesterday and the doctor thinks she knows the genders already!

1. Some say the second trimester is 12 weeks, some say 13, and some say 14. I am going to go with the mean and say 13 weeks which puts me into the second trimester. Whooo hoooo! I already feel better. Most of my morning sickness has gone away and the most annoying symptom is headaches. But I will take headaches over the nausea any day! I truly feel like I am "enjoying the pregnancy".

2. I allowed my dad to post a status update on his Facebook because he has been dying to tell his "friends". It has been fun to read everyone's comments congratulating him and us. I put a brief little something on my profile on FB about expecting triplets this fall, but I just don't think I want to do a big status update yet. DH and I were out and about and ran into an old high school friend and he asked what we have been up to and if we have kids yet and I said "they are on their way" and patted my belly. He didn't ask any further questions, but it was fun to say it out loud.

3. I told my bosses today and told them that I will not be returning after the babies are born. They were very happy and excited for me (and shocked), but also sad that I am leaving. It might not have been the smartest financial decision to tell them I am not coming back (I will have to pay extra for my insurance--but it is not that bad), but I feel good that they know the truth and I can leave this job with closure and integrity.

4. I saved the best for last. Yesterday at the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist/Perinatologist) we had our NT scan. She has to send the results off but she said from what she could tell they babies looked "fabulous". We got to take great, long looks at each of them as she took measurements. Baby A & Baby C measured 1 day ahead at 13w1d, and Baby B measured 5 days ahead at 13w5d. They were beautiful and I loved every second I was watching them. 

She asked us if we wanted to know the genders and we said yes! She told us that nothing is 100% this early, but that she is "fairy certain" that Baby A and Baby C are girls. She could not get a good look at Baby B with how he/she was positioned but from what she could see, she was also thinking girl. So we might have 3 girls!! I can't believe that! I know that it is early though so I am taking in stride and will know more for sure after the next couple of scans. But the idea of 3 little princesses just makes me smile :)

April Fools Announcemet?

This morning I thought it would clever to make the big Facebook announcement about this triplet pregnancy. People would think it was an April Fool's joke since people are posting all sorts of outlandish status updates today. I just thought it would be a fun way to share the news. But I just couldn't pull the trigger for several reasons:

1. I know what it feels like to be dealing with IF and seeing pregnancy announcements via Facebook. It hurts, and I don't want to possibly cause others the pain that I have experienced.

2. Does it even need to be announced? I think maybe putting something in my profile at some point might be sufficient, and people who know would probably make comments on my wall, tag pictures of me pregnant, etc. Is a big status update announcement necessary?

3. At 12w3d I feel pretty secure in this pregnancy, but triplet pregnancies are high risk all the way, is it worth risking in sharing the news? If not now, then when would I feel comfortable?

4. The only "pro" in making the announcement is to share in our excitement with others. It is an exciting time in our lives and sometimes when I find myself letting fears in, seeing others' excitement helps me stay positive. 

Pretty much everyone who knows about our IF struggles also knows about this pregnancy. So all that is left are friends from college and highschool, etc. Maybe it is none of their business anyway. I don't know. I feel so conflicted. 

Disclaimer: I know this is not something to complain about or make a big deal about. I just wanted to share and sort through some thoughts about making the "big announcement". 

Also, people at work do not know yet (although, who am I kidding my belly is growing and growing). I am waiting until after Tuesday's appointment to share the news with bosses/colleagues. And I am not FB friends with anyone from work so they would not find out there. 

I guess I answered my own question by writing this post in saying that I am just not ready. Maybe I will just know if/when the time is right. 

I Miss You Sleep

I used to be the kind of person that had no problem falling asleep or staying asleep and really had to get my 8 hours in. Since getting pregnant this has changed, and I have developed insomnia. It sucks...really bad. 

Sometimes I can fall sleep with no problem...but then I am up almost every hour and I have a hard time falling back asleep. Sometimes it even takes me an hour to fall back asleep. It is driving me nuts because I am exhausted while I am at work. But then when it is time to sleep my body/mind say no. 

Is it nature's way of preparing me for sleep depravation? I've heard it gets better in the second trimester. I've heard everything gets better in the second trimester for most. I can't wait. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow, but some call 13 or 14 the official start to the second trimester. Please let me have my sleep back! 

My DH is really starting to get irritated with my lack of sleep. My tossing and turning has disrupted his sleep. I feel bad for him, but I feel worse for me! haha. I am afraid if I keep it up we will be sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I don't like the thought of that. 

I know there are all these herbal remedies and such, but I am overly paranoid about taking anything while pregnant (unless absolutely necessary). My OB welcome packet even says that Tylenol PM is safe, but I am such a worry wart about that kind of thing. I would give anything right now for a peaceful, restful, full night's sleep!

Opening Up About IF After IF

We have slowly started sharing our pregnancy news with our friends. (No FB announcements, and work doesn't know yet). We both play tennis out of the neighborhood I grew up in and are very close with our teammates (most are my parents age). I told my ladies team the news last week. They were so happy for us, and those that are close to us know we had been trying for a long time. I didn't mind it when a few of them asked me if the triplets happened naturally. I am open to sharing that we had some help. I am not ashamed of it. I almost feel like it is pretty obvious since we have no multiples in our families, it took us so long to conceive, and hello...triplets (although I know spontaneous trips can and do occur).

Anyway, what really bothers me is when someone I am not close to (or hardly know in the example I am about to give) asks me if this pregnancy was "natural". I walked down to the courts to watch my husband's match last weekend, and word travels fast in that neighborhood, so as I walked up to a group of people they were all congratulating me. One woman, whom I have only had small talk with, congratulated me and the next thing out of her mouth was "did this happen naturally?" She asked in front of a bunch of people like it was no big deal. I was caught off guard. I think that is such an inappropriate question to ask someone you are not close with. It is none of her business how we conceived our babies. I would NEVER ask someone that question, even being knowledgeable about IF and having gone through fertility treatments, if I didn't know them very well. 

I wasn't sure what to say, and I didn't want to be rude so I just gave a vague answer and said "we had a little help" and left it at that. 

I know that people are curious about multiples, but asking someone if they went through fertility treatments is asking them to be vulnerable in front of you, and when you don't know them that well, it is just awkward and inappropriate. I think I better get used to it, because I am sure I will continue to be asked this question, even by strangers after the babies are born. People are nosey...and those that haven't been through IF really don't get what a loaded question they are asking and what going through IF means to someone. 

They have no idea what it took to get where we are now. Now, one of my teammates that has twins via IVF asked me and I was gladly open with her about the details. I know she gets it. But when asked by someone you hardly know...or even a stranger!? I can't think of a better word than inappropriate. 

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! Here is some quick info to catch you up: After 3+ years of TTC via charting, temping, timed intercourse, month after month of devastation, etc, we decided to move onto the big guns and pursue ART. I was scared, and had a lot of emotional processing to do to be able to get to the point of actually moving forward with it. I know IUI is a baby step in terms of ART, but for some reason I just wasn't ready until recently. We weren't officially diagnosed with a fertility issue but I am 99% sure it was a CM issue due to another medical condition I have. 

Anyway, this January we had our first IUI and our clinic called our medication protocol "min stim", or minimal stimulation. Well, that minimal stimulation resulted in me being pregnant with triplets! I released 3 follicles and all three were fertilized, resulting in our fraternal trio. 

I will be 11 Weeks tomorrow, and boy has it been a roller coaster of emotions. The babies look great so far, and outside of exhaustion and morning sickness, things are going great with the pregnancy. Above all I feel lucky and extremely grateful, but I do battle fears along the way. 

For 3+ years my fear was that I would never become a biological mom. I thought that once I got pregnant (if it ever happened), that it would be sunshine and roses, and all my fears would magically disappear. Well, that hasn't quite been the case, and I realize now, that fear and anxiety are parts of my personality I struggle with no matter what the big life situation is. It was infertility and it is now being pregnant with triplets. 

I do allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy and to be appreciative of what is taking place. I don't allow the fear to consume me. I am forever working on finding that delicate balance of acknowledging fear without it taking over. I am very excited about this challenge and adventure. We always wanted a big family, we just never thought it would happen all at once!

Life is crazy and unpredictable. The more I try to plan the more I become surprised with what life brings me. I think that pretty much sums it up. Welcome to my blog and thanks for stopping by!

Coming up: Last week I saw a perinatologist and this week (Wed) will be my first OB appointment. 

10 Week Appointment with Perinatologist

Yesterday we met with the perinatologist, and it was a bit overwhelming. They did an ultrasound and we got the see the babies. They actually looked like little babies and they were moving! It was amazing. After the scan we talked to the actual doctor. She was very straightforward and said she wanted to share all the information on triplet pregnancies/birth so that we could make an informed decision about selective reduction. I told her we were not thinking about that unless there was a clear danger (beyond that of just a "normal" triplet pregnancy) to me or the babies. But she went ahead with her facts and figures anyway.

The conversation started off very scary. She spouted off things like "97% of singleton births result in a healthy baby, 95% with twins, and 70% with triplets". She also told me that I have a 15% chance of miscarrying all or one of the babies by 20 weeks. Then once she knew that our questions were gearing the conversation towards moving forward with all 3, she sounded a bit more positive about everything. She ended by saying "if you are ok with triplets, then I am ok with triplets". 

I left feeling very overwhelmed and upset at the thought of even entertaining the idea of selective reduction. The bottom line is, we just can't go through with it. I just don't know how we could choose. So the choice is to move forward with all three of these precious gifts. I am SO SCARED sometimes...mostly of the pregnancy and about the babies' first days/weeks of life. Sometimes I wonder how I will have the courage and strength to go through this--the discomfort that lies ahead and the risks to the babies of being born prematurely. 

I really try to focus on the good stories with positive outcomes. If you have any positive stories to share, or any advice at all on how to stay positive and be courageous I am more than open to hearing them. I just really want to enjoy this pregnancy and this experience. We tried for long for this dream to come true and now it is happening and I don't want it to be filled with fear all along. 

Introducing My Trio

This scan was done at 8w2d: 

I've gotta learn how to better scan these things in. This was a picture of a picture. Baby A is at the top right, Baby B is the furthest left, and Baby C is down below, a little squished by his/her siblings.

My biggest worry lately is work related. I haven't told anyone at work yet and I am 9w4d with a growing bump so I can't hide it for long. I work at a University and there is such negativity surrounding a pregnancy, maternity leave, etc. When I was hired they made it a point (illegally) to inform me that the woman in my position before me said she was going on maternity leave and coming back, but she never game back. They were obviously upset by this and did not want it to happen with me.

Well, I can't exactly say that it won't. My husband's insurance is horrible and mine is amazing. We now have to think about what the cost could be of having 3 babies in the NICU. I am having such a moral dilemma about this. I am trying not to let it stress me out, but I am having a hard time. 

There are so many unknowns...will I need bedrest (probably), for how long, will the babies need to be in the NICU (probably), for how long, etc. Having a plan about work will make me feel better, but I just can't come up with one yet. Ugh. What is worse: being dishonest about my intentions on returning, or dealing with mounds of medical bill debt on top of raising 3 newborns? 

Final RE Ultrasound 8w2d

I had my final ultrasound at the RE's office today. The babies are doing great. All 3 of them! I promise I will post a pic by this weekend! I just need to blur out my name since I am anonymous on this blog. I am 8w2d today and here are the stats:

Baby A (the runt of the group/our late bloomer): Measurement 8w1d, Heartbeat 179 bpm 
Baby B (has always been the biggest): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 169 bpm
Baby C (currently squished by his/her siblings): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 174 bpm

We are officially released from the REs office. I felt so weird leaving there today. The departure felt abrupt, but I know it is definitely the best thing that could happen. Now we move forward to a perinatologist in about a week and half. I hope that was my last date with the vag cam, but we'll see. 

Physically, I have not been feeling great but I think that is to be expected. I typically feel worse at the day progresses and I am always miserable right before I go to bed. I am just lucky the nausea is not an all day affair and that it really doesn't creep up on me until the end of the work day. I know some women suffer through horrible MS all day and night. I am starting to get a bump,well rather a bulge, since it doesn't have much shape to it yet and mostly just looks like I have gained some lbs in the stomach area. 

Emotionally, I am still all over the place, which I also think is to be expected. First off I feel grateful and extremely lucky. I am trying to use lots of positive affirmations like, we can do this, the babies are healthy and will continue to be healthy, I am healthy and will continue to be healthy, etc. We are not naive to how hard it will be, but we also feel confident in our ability to work as a team and to get through anything and everything that comes our way. 

Please know that I am still following your journeys and I am rooting you all on wholeheartedly. Although I was lucky beyond belief not to have to endure the extent of the fertility treatments that most of you have, I can still relate to the longing and even desperation that is felt along the way since we tried for so long before getting out BFP. I am in your corner and hope to continue to be a support to you!

Why Me?

There have been some bad things that have happened in my life and I would often think "why me". What did I do to deserve this horrible thing? What did I do to deserve having CF? What did I do to deserve dealing with infertility for so long? I went through a time of great confusion about why these things were happening to me. When I looked around at others' lives, I thought--they don't have to deal with anything as big as what I am going through. Which I know is not true. It is just so easy to get caught up in our own suffering sometimes that we think we have it the worst. 

My point is, I have struggled through the why me's and they are not fun. And now, 8 weeks pregnant with triplets, I find myself asking "why me" again. But this time it is different. This time it more like "how did I get so lucky"? How was it that we got pregnant on our first IUI? How is it that all three of my eggs fertilized? I know the chances of both of those things happening are microscopic. I just feel overwhelmed by how profound it all is. I just don't understand it--not that I need to, but I want to. Out of the small percentage of people in this world that have multiples, or even triplets, why are we one of those couples? What did I do to deserve this? 

Yes, there are certainly going to be challenges with a triplet pregnancy and triplet newborns, but overall, I feel triply lucky. I feel like this is bigger than we could have EVER imagined. I feel like this is a crazy, profound, and amazing thing that is happening and I really just can't believe that it is happening to me. I went from fearing I would never have any babies to finding out that I will be having three. How does that happen? Why does this happen? I don't know if I will ever know the answer, but the answer is irrelevant. I will just try to each and every day feel grateful for this no matter how hard it gets. I am grateful, so grateful and I can't find the words to express that. I appreciate each and every day that I am pregnant with these babies. Sometimes is it hard, when I feel horrible and can't eat anything, and have no energy to do anything--but none of that matters. What is happening is something so much bigger than what I feel like physically. 

I don't know if this post even makes sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that the news of triplets has been a lot to digest. I have been all over the place emotionally. Now that the dust is beginning to settle a little, I am realizing how amazing what is happening to me really is and I am in awe of it. Why me!?

Quick Updates on 7w3d

-About the only things I can eat these days consists of white carbs and cheese, and sometimes fruit.

-Things I find repulsive: Meat, seafood, most vegetables, most salad dressings, sweets (weird), and just about everything else other what I listed above.

-I am obsessed with lemonade right now. I even prefer it over water.

-Tiredness is starting to kick in

-I have only thrown up once

-To say I am distracted at work is an understatement

-I am still enjoying my teacher education courses, but my motivation is tapering off--when would I even finish this degree!?

-I keep wondering "why me" but NOT in a bad way.

-There are moments of overwhelm about triplets for sure, but then I say one day at a time, and all that matters is that they keep growing and are healthy--the rest will all work out...right!? RIGHT!?!?!

-The idea of long-term bed rest makes me feel a little anxious, but again, whatever is best for these babies

-The support from our families has been overwhelming! I shouldn't be surprised though, they always pull through, and we are so grateful for that.

A Better Day

I want to first thank you all for your amazingly supportive comments. I was scared in sharing my doubts/fears especially to some readers who would give anything to be pregnant. You all have been so consistent in your support and that means SO MUCH to me. I am doing a lot better today. I really think that yesterday was just overwhelming and I didn't have enough information or a plan to feel secure in (and I have been feeling quite emotional these days). Here are some updates since yesterday's post:

-Talked to my RE--what she shared with me: I have a 5% risk of miscarrying each baby individually, and rarely (if never) someone can loose all 3...she has only seen this once and it was with a woman over 40. It is still possible that triplets can naturally reduce to twins, and then even a singleton but the chances of that happening are very small. She also told me that triplets are usually born 2 months early (yikes--that is scary).

-I have one more ultrasound at the RE clinic next Thursday. It is bittersweet to move on. They helped us achieve our dreams (and then some).

-I have an appointment with a high risk ob/gyn for 3/15 (at 10 weeks). I am very happy about this. I want someone who has seen it all-- every odd, weird, risky situation.

-Having a plan is making me feel better

-My CF doc doesn't think that a triplet pregnancy will affect me much different than a singleton would except that with a bigger belly it will put more pressure on my lungs which might make breathing more difficult--gee, that's doesn't sound scary at all! But she didn't seem to have serious concerns which was both surprising and relieving.

-I am beginning to imagine life with triplets...some thoughts have been scary and some have been fun and endearing.

-Last weekend we went to Babies R Us to get Preggie Pops and took a look around. It was pretty crazy to imagine that we will need 3 of everything. And you have to special order a triple stroller btw. But you also get 10% off anything over $50 if you have multiples. So I learned some things while I was there. Also, btw Preggie Pops don't really work that well (at least not for me).

-I feel good both physically and emotionally today. I know I have said before that feeling good scares me, but I am learning to take the good days when I get them and enjoy them.

6w6d Taking a Risk in Sharing the Truth

We had our 2nd ultrasound this morning and we saw and heard our three little darlings' heartbeats. That's right, Baby A must just be a slow developer, but there it was--a tiny little heart just flickering away.

I am trying to process how I feel because I am overwhelmed right now. Last week, when we could only hear/see 2 out of the 3 heartbeats, it kind of seemed like triplets were still hypothetical and above all, we were elated to know that we created one if not more babies. But, today confirmed that this is real and I am so afraid of what that means. I am afraid for the health of all three babies and for my own health--having CF, which is a disease that requires lots of daily treatments and exercise in order to stay healthy.

I am afraid that all three will not develop fully and get to lead a normal life and/or that I will not be able to take care of myself enough to stay healthy for them. I don't know if my fears are warranted. I still haven't spoken to my RE (crazy) but the ultrasound tech said she would leave a note in my file to have my doc call me and she said I could schedule an appointment with her after speaking to her on the phone if I wanted to. There are just so many questions I have. 1) What are the risks to the babies and 2) myself?

Whatever happens I am hoping to have continued support from the blogging world. I may explore some controversial waters and I am scared about that. I am afraid of how or if I can handle it and/or how others will judge me. But ultimately, I have to do what is best for me and the babies.

I am trying to continue to be happy and excited for the life that is growing inside of me, because I AM! But I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my family and what is best for the whole unit. The decision is not easy, and at the risk of already sounding defensive, you truly don't know how you will feel until you are in the situation.

I know I am so lucky right now and I know others would kill to be in my position. I know this and I feel this. But I just don't think it would be smart not to consider everything right now. I am afraid that some of you reading will be appalled that there is even a choice to be considered, and that is ok--we all have our own opinions. I just hope that this blog continues to be my safe space for expressing how I feel and for having support.

6w3d

I am feeling good today and I am trying not to let that scare me. I have read out there on message boards, forms, etc. to be thankful for the days when you don't feel crappy and not to worry because symptoms come and go. My weight has been fluctuating. A few days ago I was -2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Today I am +1. I am showing something. I don't know if it is the babies though and is probably all bloat but my stomach definitely has some shape to it. I know it is extremely early to show, but I also know there are 3 babies in there so who knows.

Some days the morning sickness is awful--like I-have-a-hard-time-functioning bad, but I am still not throwing up, thankfully. These are not complaints! There is a very strong correlation for me between feeling crappy and feeling secure with this pregnancy. The worse I feel physically the better I feel mentally, if that makes any sense. I can endure physical pain easier than I can endure fear and anxiety.

I am excited and nervous about Monday. I hope to see that Baby B & Baby C have continued growing, and that Baby A has a heartbeat. I have SO many questions for my RE and I am a little concerned that we have not seen her since our BFP. We saw a nurse/ultrasound tech for our first u/s and will see that same person for our 2nd one on Monday. I think while I am there I am going to see if we can schedule an appointment with our actual doctor. The only time we have seen her has been for the initial consults and game plan. She didn't even do the actual IUI! Weird...but I am trying to roll with the punches.

One Day At A Time

It is 24 hours later and I am beginning to process this news and get past the shock (somewhat). I still can't believe that I have 3 babies growing inside of me right now. It is pretty mind-blowing to say the least.

Pregnancy in general is unpredictable, and I think adding multiples to that just multiplies the unpredictability. I have NO idea what the future holds for this pregnancy, and oddly, today at least, I am very much ok with that. I think I need to take things one day at a time. This situation has the potential to bring up so many what-ifs, but I do not feel like letting those in right now. I want to celebrate this pregnancy for what it is--that right now there is life growing inside of me and that is all that matters.

Right now I have a job to do and that is to take care of myself and my body. So that is what I will focus on.

Symptoms: My morning sickness has been weird. When I do have it, it lasts all day long and it is bad--not to the point of vomiting, but I basically feel like I am rocking back and forth on a boat all day long. The cramping I was having earlier on has subsided and now I just feel twinges and pinching. I have been bloated and with sore breasts since day 1 and that remains. Sometimes I am starving and will eat anything, but other times nothing sounds good and I can't get myself to eat. I am starting to get tired throughout the day, but I have a hard time staying asleep at night. I usually wake up 2-4 times and have a hard time falling back asleep.

Thank you for all the notes of congratulations. I am sure this is going to be a bumpy ride and I appreciate all that continue to follow my now crazy journey--not that any of our journeys are smooth and predictable!

Next Ultrasound: Monday, Feb 21st.

Biggest Valentine's Day Shocker EVER!

I can't tell if this is real life or a dream. I know I have said that before, but this time I truly feel like I am living life outside of my own. We had our first ultrasound today...there were 3 sacs. No, that was not a typo--THREE sacs! I will post pics later. I am literally in SHOCK and cannot explain how I am feeling beyond that so I will report the details:

I am 5 weeks and 6 days today. We were able to see AND HEAR (I did not know that you can hear heartbeats that early) the heartbeats of two of them (Baby B and Baby C). Baby A measured at 5w6d, but we could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The nurse said that it was still viable even though we could not pick up a heartbeat because the yolk and sac were there and it is still early. Baby B measured at 6W0D and had a heartbeat of 92bpm. Baby C measured at 6W1D and had a heartbeat of 107bpm.

I can't believe I just typed Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C. I feel like throwing up--but that is probably just morning sickness.

I am elated that we at least have a viable pregnancy, but beyond that I don't feel much at all--it is too overwhelming. The main thing I feel is that we crossed another hurdle and for that I am going to be excited and grateful.

The first words out of the nurse's mouth during the ultrasound were "this is interesting". I got angry (because I was scared) and said "what do you mean interesting!?!?" and then she told us she was seeing 3 sacs. I couldn't see the screen. But my husband could and I watched as his eyes became the biggest I have ever seen them.

When I heard Baby B's heartbeat I said "that's not mine!?" and when she said no I started crying and so did my DH. We just couldn't believe it.

The nurse told us to be cautiously optimistic right now about all of them since it is a high risk situation. She told us she could not believe triplets came from an IUI. She said that never happens. When we went into it there was a 3% chance of triplets and a 20-30% chance of twins with the medication protocol that we chose. 3%!!!!

I guess all that cramping I had a couple of weeks ago really was my uterus starting to stretch out. Maybe that painful cramping around implantation was painful because of all of the implanting that was going on.

I just don't know what to make of this. I do know that this is certainly a Valentine's Day I will never forget, no matter what the outcome.

She Called Me Selfish...And it Was Just What I Needed

I see a therapist and I am not afraid to admit it (I don't really understand the stigma, but that is a whole other post). Last night I had a session and I was telling my therapist about all of my fears with this pregnancy. After validating my feelings, of course, she called me out and told me I was being selfish. Now if anyone else I know called me selfish regarding this pregnancy I would have been so upset and angry with them. But when she said it I stopped sobbing and it kind of jolted me.

She continued...I am being selfish because it is possible that I am letting my fears harm my unborn child(ren). She said that by having all of these negative thoughts/images I am causing stress to my body, not breathing enough, etc. She reminded me that being a parent means protecting your children from you fears and having an "its all going to be ok" attitude. If I let my fears get the best of me, how will that translate into my parenting?

She just really made me think about things in a different perspective and that is what I needed. I am so worried about how I will feel if this pregnancy is taken away from me, when in doing so I *could* be indirectly contributing harm to it. Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I guess it doesn't matter. But to me, this is what I needed to be brave. I might not be able to do it for myself, but I am able to be courageous for my baby.

I am glad to be learning this lesson now because of course there will be more fears that come my way. Won't we always worry about our children? I think the trick is to be afraid enough to take responsible care for them, but not afraid enough to where your own fears are harming your children by controlling them or making them feel anxious.

I feel like some weight has been lifted and I am going to try to keep working on this.

 

Thank You!

I would like to thank Amy from Maternal Hope, Beckie from Beckie's Infertility Journey, and Heartincharge from Lily in the Valley for both of these blog awards.

Here are the rules: 

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award (I'm just going to do 8).
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it


1) I was a college pole vaulter. When I first began pole vaulting in high school it was not a sanctioned girls event so I had to compete against the boys. I really enjoyed beating them. I have always been competitive and love playing sports and games.

2) I have two small furbabies who I treat like they are my real babies.

3) I am a middle child, and I did not get along with my siblings until late high school. They ganged up on me all the time, so I would often go hang out with my friends. Now I love them both and we get along great!

4) I once had the goal of running a marathon. I got up to running about 5 miles and then quit because it was boring and I discovered that I really hate running.

5) I am a tv junkie. I love watching "my shows". It is my favorite way to unwind at the end of the day. Some guilty pleasures are: The Bachelor, One Tree Hill, and 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I know, I think a part of me is stuck in adolescence.

6) My husband and I won a tennis tournament together.

7) I have often been told I am very mature person, but I have also always had this really immature (and even sometimes perverted) sense of humor. I think it came from my dad and brother. I don't show it unless I know you really well. It sometimes catches people off guard at first. 

So that's a little about me. As I was doing this I realized that although we all connect through our similar experiences and emotions, I have never really expressed who I am outside of IF :)




Here are the blogs I would like to give this award to. I follow all of your journeys and enjoy reading your blogs:


1. Sara at Time Well Wasted
2. Mrs. D at The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own
3. The Hudack Family at The Hudack Family
4. Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry
5. Waiting and Wishing at Waiting and Wishing
6. Jill's Infertility Document at Infertility Unexplained
7. Mrs. R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
8. Lauren at Lauren vs. The World

4w4d- Uncharted Waters

What a roller coaster this past week has been. I kind of suspected that the emotional roller coaster that IF is does not end upon getting a BFP.

I will first admit that there has been entirely too much googling for my sanity. I have been googling EVERYTHING. I have been getting AF type of cramps ever since Monday that come and go, but sometimes last all day. They really worried me at first, but I am reading more and more that they are normal as the uterus begins to stretch, as long as there is not bleeding. Thankfully for me there has not been any spotting/bleeding so I am really working on not letting those cramps freak me out. I just had no idea that one would experience AF like cramps while pregnant...weird.

I did not think I would have symptoms so fast. I have been very bloated since a couple of days before my BFP. I have also had some dull lower back pains, little waves of nausea, and sore bbs. As uncomfortable as these things are I love symptoms (minus the cramping because it scares me) because it makes me believe that things are happening in there.

Emotionally, I am a mess but getting a little better. There is still that "prepare for the worst" part of me that won't completely let go. But, I have been able to let myself relax a little more and realize that it is out of my hands. Also talking with a couple of fertile family members about my concerns has actually helped. Although they don't completely understand my fears they have been listening and have been reminding me that at this point I am just another pregnant woman.

I can't say enough how much I have appreciated the supportive comments from you all. Sometimes I feel it is unfair to be asking for support after getting a BFP. I hope I have not offended anyone by not being 100% elated, excited, and happy. I hope that you all understand. Life after BFP in some ways has been more scary for me than life before BFP. It just feels like there is even more on the line and more to lose. I am so lucky to be where I am and I am trying very, very hard to feel that and to enjoy that. I knew I would be somewhat guarded if/when I ever got my BFP, but I did not think I would have this much fear. This is uncharted waters for me. I am still feeling things out and figuring out how to manage the fear and the anxiety. In the meantime, I sincerely want to thank each of you for being there.

P.S. I was thrilled to find out that I was nominated for a couple of blogging awards :) This weekend I am going to post about them and re-award. 

The Aftermath

The news is spreading like wild fire. DH and I both have large, close extended families. This news has leaked and pretty much all extended family knows. 2 extended family members posted something to our FB walls and I deleted the messages immediately and wrote them each private messages thanking them for their congrats, but that we are not ready to go "public" yet. They both completely understood.

When I take a step back and really see what's happening I feel overwhelmed in a good way. We had so many people pulling for us because we have been sharing about our journey for awhile now. They are all so excited that they want to share the news. But, I am scared because it is so early. Each time someone expresses their excitement instead of enjoying it with them my reaction is to want to tell them that it is early so we aren't sure what is going to happen. That should not be my initial reaction!

There is no way to ever know how I would have felt if I got a BFP when we first starting TTC over 3 years ago, but I am fairly certain I would not be this worried about something going wrong. So I am trying to get in that mentality. If I got a BFP and was a fertile would I be excited: Absolutely! I think I would be naive to the things that could go wrong. I am trying to hard to be ignorant and just relish in it, but I am really, really struggling.

Part of me wants to protect myself, but in all honesty, if something horrible happens it will be devastating whether I protect myself or not. And hopefully all these people who are so excited would be there to support us. Living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop is not what I want to do. I am fighting so hard to not feel like this.

I have been having some menstrual-like cramps on and off for a couple of days and this has triggered fear and worry. Even though I know it can be normal (so long as it is not paired with bleeding, which it is not) I am scared. I wish I could just enjoy this, but instead I am waiting to hear the bad news. I am so upset with myself for feeling this way.

Conflicted

I had my 2nd Beta today and it was 336.

I am still in shock and somewhat disbelief.

We have told several family members because they have been following our journey for a long time now. Not one seemed to be cautious or guarded about it being so early. In fact all this talk about the future and "when the baby comes" were discussed. There were tears and so much excitement. But with each person we told I felt a little nervous about it. What if something goes wrong? It is so early.

The reason we decided to tell family the details of what was going on and sharing the news so early was that we wanted support. And we figure if something does go wrong with this pregnancy we would want the support in getting through it. But I just feel conflicted about it because of HOW excited everyone was. This is going to be DHs parents' first grandchild so naturally they were elated. Part of me feels like I would be disappointing everyone (and myself of course) if things went wrong.

So I try and remind myself of these things 1) It is out of my control and worrying will cause more harm than good. 2) It has taken us a long time to get here so we deserve to enjoy it just like any fertile woman would feel when she got a positive and 3) If something bad happens we will get through it.

This is such a weird place I am in.

We go for our first u/s on Valentine's Day--I really can't think of anything more romantic.

Is This Real Life? Part 2

Update: I went to get my first beta. The nurse didn't ask me at first exactly what dpiui I was, although she asked the date of my last period and when the iui was. I just don't think she put 2 and 2 together. So when she told me we were hoping for a 60 or higher and I asked, "even taking into consideration how early we are testing" she looked at me like I was crazy. Once we cleared up the confusion she wasn't very happy with me because she had already taken my blood and we weren't supposed to do a beta until 14dpiui. Anyway, she said she would still run it.

So I just got the call not about an hour ago and my first beta is 118! The nurse (a different one) told me that was a good number and I am scheduled to go back in on Sunday.
 
I just CAN'T believe this is happening. I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. Thank you for the continued support and all of the congratulations. Although I am elated,  I just really feel like I can "own" this yet...if that makes any sense.

Is This Real Life?

I am pretty much in shock today. This morning, at 11dpiui I got a BFP!

My clinic's instructions were to test 2 weeks after the IUI and to call if I got a BFP. Who are we kidding? There was no way I could wait until 14dpiui, so I started testing yesterday with Wondfo testing strips (from the internet) at 10dpiui and I got the faintest line that barley showed up in the picture I took of it. But it was there and at least had me hopeful that the next day (today's) would be darker, and it was much darker! It came up a few minutes before the 5 minutes were up so I 99% certain this is no evap line. It is still not ask dark as the control line but it is definitely there and you can see it from the across the room. It is definitely a BFP...at least I think so. In 3+ years of TTC, I have never had one before!

I called the clinic this morning to schedule the "confirmation b/w"- which is what they call it, and I go in later today for that. The receptionist never asked me how many days piui I was, so I assume it is ok that I come in for the b/w even though I didn't wait the recommended time to test. At least I hope it is ok. I just really want some sort of confirmation! Is this really happening?

Opening Up

This is something I wrote on my other blog that mostly family reads and I wanted to share it here:

Dealing with IF has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. It ranks right up there, if not higher than, CF. I often think about what would be the most meaningful thing in my life and what I want to accomplish in this lifetime. And my answer has almost always been to have and raise children.So inevitably there is so much fear that what I want most out of life might not come true. That is not to say I don't believe that it will ever happen, but I  am often afraid when envisioning a life in which it does not happen.

The best way to describe the emotions surrounding IF is that it is a roller coaster I cannot get off of, with highs, lows, loops, twists, and turns. I am still waiting for that moment where the ride comes to a screeching halt, you catch your breath, lift the bar up, and exit.  Here are just some of the emotions I have experienced since we started TTC:

1) Excitement: Starting off we thought we could plan exactly when we would have a baby. We planned things out so that our baby would be born shortly after I finished my graduate degree. We were filled with excitement of the future path we knew our lives were about to take. We thought of names, nursery ideas, how we would announce the news, and how I would be a big huge beaming pregnant woman under my cap and gown at graduation. We were naive, but that was ok.

2) Frustration: After about 6 months I began to wonder if something was wrong. We were/are young and healthy, so why wasn't anything happening? I read books, and I knew the timing of everything. I took care of myself and was sure not to take any medications or drink alcohol during times where I might be pregnant. Why isn't this working for us? We are doing everything right.

3) Sadness: Each month of failure brings about more sadness and disappointment. All the hope washes away and some days I feel like it will never happen. Some days I feel like no one understands. But I usually put on a happy face and just keep living.

4) Fear: Every time things seem to be headed in the right direction and it still doesn't work out I think to myself, if it didn't happen this time, will it ever happen? I imagine a life without children in it and I feel empty. I imagine never having our own family and there is this pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. The fears creep in almost daily. Sometimes the thoughts last a split second, and sometimes they linger much longer. It might be out of nowhere while I am at work, when I first wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep at night, driving in my car, and other times it is provoked by reminders of pregnancy, children, and families, and almost always happens after another unsuccessful cycle. Sometimes the fear has paralyzed me and stopped me from moving forward with IF treatments, or forced me to "take a break" for a month here and there.

5) Jealousy: This one is ugly and I hate to admit it. I look around me and of course people get pregnant. I think--why not me? When will it be my turn? I have done everything the "right" way and yet I don't get the reward. Homeless, crack-addicts can get pregnant, but I can't? Life is not fair, why me, why me, etc. etc. etc. In reality my journey has nothing to do with anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with the person. It is the reminder of what I don't have. I am often happy and excited for someone else's pregnancy, but also sad and jealous for myself at the same time.

6) Isolation: Sometimes I feel very alone in what we are going through. Sometimes I feel like no matter how eloquently I can describe the emotions behind this, there is no way someone from the outside is going to understand the magnitude of it's weight.The feelings are with me everyday. And if I tell people them, they might minimize it because they don't truly understand, and that would make me feel even more alone.

7) Preoccupation: Feeling like I am not really present in life. It is like inside my brain is a running loop of all of these thoughts and feelings surrounding IF. Not to mention the constant reminders around me about how seemingly easy it is to get pregnant. I try my best to push these thoughts and feelings away, and over time, I have gotten better.

8) Grief: Each month starts with hope and ends with grief. Each month ends in a loss because it is the loss of that month's hope and of what could have been.

There are good days and there are bad days. Although I feel all of these things very deeply, I learn to cope and deal with them and continue living a fulfilling life. I try my hardest to believe that one day we will get what we desire most out of life, but some days it is really hard and I can't find the strength. I have learned to cope by connecting with other people that are going through this, but they are hard to find because it is not something people often talk about.

You might be thinking, get a grip or just don't think about it all the time. One point I want to make is that it is not possible to be actively TTC and not think about it all the time, especially if pursuing IF treatments. There are medications, appointments, and certain things I cannot do during the time I could be pregnant. The key is finding the balance between thinking about it enough to do what I need to each month, but not letting myself get swept away with the emotional parts of it. I know I have said this exact thing about CF. It is funny how our same issues pop up with our biggest life challenges. I have gotten SO much better about managing this with CF and I am inching my way through dealing with this with IF.

What I hope for people to learn from this post is that it has been and still is really hard. If you know someone else that deals with IF, you can expect that they deal with similar emotions, although they might not tell you about it. I have emphasized the negative ones here so that you can understand. There have also been some positive things that have come out of this, like building a stronger bond with my husband, learning to let people in, appreciating life, and knowing how much more I will appreciate a pregnancy and baby if/when this happens for us because of what it has taken to get there.

How you can help support someone dealing with IF is to be understanding of what they are going through. To know that it is roller coaster and sometimes they are going to feel excited and other times they are going to fight to believe and to put on that happy face. Sometimes they are going to be devastated at yet another failed cycle. To understand that they are happy for you when you get pregnant but it makes them sad that they haven't been able to have it for themselves. It means knowing that if they don't come around as often, they might be dealing with another month's disappointment. If you are around them and they seem preoccupied or "not with it" they are probably wondering if they are pregnant, what happens if they are, what happens if they are not, grieving another failure, etc. And if all else fails, and you are not sure what to say or how to act, just ask. Asking is always better than assuming or not saying anything, in my opinion. If you read this whole thing then you care enough to want to understand what I am going through and that means THE WORLD to me.