Monday, March 28, 2011

I Miss You Sleep

I used to be the kind of person that had no problem falling asleep or staying asleep and really had to get my 8 hours in. Since getting pregnant this has changed, and I have developed insomnia. It sucks...really bad. 

Sometimes I can fall sleep with no problem...but then I am up almost every hour and I have a hard time falling back asleep. Sometimes it even takes me an hour to fall back asleep. It is driving me nuts because I am exhausted while I am at work. But then when it is time to sleep my body/mind say no. 

Is it nature's way of preparing me for sleep depravation? I've heard it gets better in the second trimester. I've heard everything gets better in the second trimester for most. I can't wait. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow, but some call 13 or 14 the official start to the second trimester. Please let me have my sleep back! 

My DH is really starting to get irritated with my lack of sleep. My tossing and turning has disrupted his sleep. I feel bad for him, but I feel worse for me! haha. I am afraid if I keep it up we will be sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I don't like the thought of that. 

I know there are all these herbal remedies and such, but I am overly paranoid about taking anything while pregnant (unless absolutely necessary). My OB welcome packet even says that Tylenol PM is safe, but I am such a worry wart about that kind of thing. I would give anything right now for a peaceful, restful, full night's sleep!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Opening Up About IF After IF

We have slowly started sharing our pregnancy news with our friends. (No FB announcements, and work doesn't know yet). We both play tennis out of the neighborhood I grew up in and are very close with our teammates (most are my parents age). I told my ladies team the news last week. They were so happy for us, and those that are close to us know we had been trying for a long time. I didn't mind it when a few of them asked me if the triplets happened naturally. I am open to sharing that we had some help. I am not ashamed of it. I almost feel like it is pretty obvious since we have no multiples in our families, it took us so long to conceive, and hello...triplets (although I know spontaneous trips can and do occur).

Anyway, what really bothers me is when someone I am not close to (or hardly know in the example I am about to give) asks me if this pregnancy was "natural". I walked down to the courts to watch my husband's match last weekend, and word travels fast in that neighborhood, so as I walked up to a group of people they were all congratulating me. One woman, whom I have only had small talk with, congratulated me and the next thing out of her mouth was "did this happen naturally?" She asked in front of a bunch of people like it was no big deal. I was caught off guard. I think that is such an inappropriate question to ask someone you are not close with. It is none of her business how we conceived our babies. I would NEVER ask someone that question, even being knowledgeable about IF and having gone through fertility treatments, if I didn't know them very well. 

I wasn't sure what to say, and I didn't want to be rude so I just gave a vague answer and said "we had a little help" and left it at that. 

I know that people are curious about multiples, but asking someone if they went through fertility treatments is asking them to be vulnerable in front of you, and when you don't know them that well, it is just awkward and inappropriate. I think I better get used to it, because I am sure I will continue to be asked this question, even by strangers after the babies are born. People are nosey...and those that haven't been through IF really don't get what a loaded question they are asking and what going through IF means to someone. 

They have no idea what it took to get where we are now. Now, one of my teammates that has twins via IVF asked me and I was gladly open with her about the details. I know she gets it. But when asked by someone you hardly know...or even a stranger!? I can't think of a better word than inappropriate. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! Here is some quick info to catch you up: After 3+ years of TTC via charting, temping, timed intercourse, month after month of devastation, etc, we decided to move onto the big guns and pursue ART. I was scared, and had a lot of emotional processing to do to be able to get to the point of actually moving forward with it. I know IUI is a baby step in terms of ART, but for some reason I just wasn't ready until recently. We weren't officially diagnosed with a fertility issue but I am 99% sure it was a CM issue due to another medical condition I have. 

Anyway, this January we had our first IUI and our clinic called our medication protocol "min stim", or minimal stimulation. Well, that minimal stimulation resulted in me being pregnant with triplets! I released 3 follicles and all three were fertilized, resulting in our fraternal trio. 

I will be 11 Weeks tomorrow, and boy has it been a roller coaster of emotions. The babies look great so far, and outside of exhaustion and morning sickness, things are going great with the pregnancy. Above all I feel lucky and extremely grateful, but I do battle fears along the way. 

For 3+ years my fear was that I would never become a biological mom. I thought that once I got pregnant (if it ever happened), that it would be sunshine and roses, and all my fears would magically disappear. Well, that hasn't quite been the case, and I realize now, that fear and anxiety are parts of my personality I struggle with no matter what the big life situation is. It was infertility and it is now being pregnant with triplets. 

I do allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy and to be appreciative of what is taking place. I don't allow the fear to consume me. I am forever working on finding that delicate balance of acknowledging fear without it taking over. I am very excited about this challenge and adventure. We always wanted a big family, we just never thought it would happen all at once!

Life is crazy and unpredictable. The more I try to plan the more I become surprised with what life brings me. I think that pretty much sums it up. Welcome to my blog and thanks for stopping by!

Coming up: Last week I saw a perinatologist and this week (Wed) will be my first OB appointment. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

10 Week Appointment with Perinatologist

Yesterday we met with the perinatologist, and it was a bit overwhelming. They did an ultrasound and we got the see the babies. They actually looked like little babies and they were moving! It was amazing. After the scan we talked to the actual doctor. She was very straightforward and said she wanted to share all the information on triplet pregnancies/birth so that we could make an informed decision about selective reduction. I told her we were not thinking about that unless there was a clear danger (beyond that of just a "normal" triplet pregnancy) to me or the babies. But she went ahead with her facts and figures anyway.

The conversation started off very scary. She spouted off things like "97% of singleton births result in a healthy baby, 95% with twins, and 70% with triplets". She also told me that I have a 15% chance of miscarrying all or one of the babies by 20 weeks. Then once she knew that our questions were gearing the conversation towards moving forward with all 3, she sounded a bit more positive about everything. She ended by saying "if you are ok with triplets, then I am ok with triplets". 

I left feeling very overwhelmed and upset at the thought of even entertaining the idea of selective reduction. The bottom line is, we just can't go through with it. I just don't know how we could choose. So the choice is to move forward with all three of these precious gifts. I am SO SCARED sometimes...mostly of the pregnancy and about the babies' first days/weeks of life. Sometimes I wonder how I will have the courage and strength to go through this--the discomfort that lies ahead and the risks to the babies of being born prematurely. 

I really try to focus on the good stories with positive outcomes. If you have any positive stories to share, or any advice at all on how to stay positive and be courageous I am more than open to hearing them. I just really want to enjoy this pregnancy and this experience. We tried for long for this dream to come true and now it is happening and I don't want it to be filled with fear all along. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Introducing My Trio

This scan was done at 8w2d: 

I've gotta learn how to better scan these things in. This was a picture of a picture. Baby A is at the top right, Baby B is the furthest left, and Baby C is down below, a little squished by his/her siblings.

My biggest worry lately is work related. I haven't told anyone at work yet and I am 9w4d with a growing bump so I can't hide it for long. I work at a University and there is such negativity surrounding a pregnancy, maternity leave, etc. When I was hired they made it a point (illegally) to inform me that the woman in my position before me said she was going on maternity leave and coming back, but she never game back. They were obviously upset by this and did not want it to happen with me.

Well, I can't exactly say that it won't. My husband's insurance is horrible and mine is amazing. We now have to think about what the cost could be of having 3 babies in the NICU. I am having such a moral dilemma about this. I am trying not to let it stress me out, but I am having a hard time. 

There are so many unknowns...will I need bedrest (probably), for how long, will the babies need to be in the NICU (probably), for how long, etc. Having a plan about work will make me feel better, but I just can't come up with one yet. Ugh. What is worse: being dishonest about my intentions on returning, or dealing with mounds of medical bill debt on top of raising 3 newborns? 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Final RE Ultrasound 8w2d

I had my final ultrasound at the RE's office today. The babies are doing great. All 3 of them! I promise I will post a pic by this weekend! I just need to blur out my name since I am anonymous on this blog. I am 8w2d today and here are the stats:

Baby A (the runt of the group/our late bloomer): Measurement 8w1d, Heartbeat 179 bpm 
Baby B (has always been the biggest): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 169 bpm
Baby C (currently squished by his/her siblings): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 174 bpm

We are officially released from the REs office. I felt so weird leaving there today. The departure felt abrupt, but I know it is definitely the best thing that could happen. Now we move forward to a perinatologist in about a week and half. I hope that was my last date with the vag cam, but we'll see. 

Physically, I have not been feeling great but I think that is to be expected. I typically feel worse at the day progresses and I am always miserable right before I go to bed. I am just lucky the nausea is not an all day affair and that it really doesn't creep up on me until the end of the work day. I know some women suffer through horrible MS all day and night. I am starting to get a bump,well rather a bulge, since it doesn't have much shape to it yet and mostly just looks like I have gained some lbs in the stomach area. 

Emotionally, I am still all over the place, which I also think is to be expected. First off I feel grateful and extremely lucky. I am trying to use lots of positive affirmations like, we can do this, the babies are healthy and will continue to be healthy, I am healthy and will continue to be healthy, etc. We are not naive to how hard it will be, but we also feel confident in our ability to work as a team and to get through anything and everything that comes our way. 

Please know that I am still following your journeys and I am rooting you all on wholeheartedly. Although I was lucky beyond belief not to have to endure the extent of the fertility treatments that most of you have, I can still relate to the longing and even desperation that is felt along the way since we tried for so long before getting out BFP. I am in your corner and hope to continue to be a support to you!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why Me?

There have been some bad things that have happened in my life and I would often think "why me". What did I do to deserve this horrible thing? What did I do to deserve having CF? What did I do to deserve dealing with infertility for so long? I went through a time of great confusion about why these things were happening to me. When I looked around at others' lives, I thought--they don't have to deal with anything as big as what I am going through. Which I know is not true. It is just so easy to get caught up in our own suffering sometimes that we think we have it the worst. 

My point is, I have struggled through the why me's and they are not fun. And now, 8 weeks pregnant with triplets, I find myself asking "why me" again. But this time it is different. This time it more like "how did I get so lucky"? How was it that we got pregnant on our first IUI? How is it that all three of my eggs fertilized? I know the chances of both of those things happening are microscopic. I just feel overwhelmed by how profound it all is. I just don't understand it--not that I need to, but I want to. Out of the small percentage of people in this world that have multiples, or even triplets, why are we one of those couples? What did I do to deserve this? 

Yes, there are certainly going to be challenges with a triplet pregnancy and triplet newborns, but overall, I feel triply lucky. I feel like this is bigger than we could have EVER imagined. I feel like this is a crazy, profound, and amazing thing that is happening and I really just can't believe that it is happening to me. I went from fearing I would never have any babies to finding out that I will be having three. How does that happen? Why does this happen? I don't know if I will ever know the answer, but the answer is irrelevant. I will just try to each and every day feel grateful for this no matter how hard it gets. I am grateful, so grateful and I can't find the words to express that. I appreciate each and every day that I am pregnant with these babies. Sometimes is it hard, when I feel horrible and can't eat anything, and have no energy to do anything--but none of that matters. What is happening is something so much bigger than what I feel like physically. 

I don't know if this post even makes sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that the news of triplets has been a lot to digest. I have been all over the place emotionally. Now that the dust is beginning to settle a little, I am realizing how amazing what is happening to me really is and I am in awe of it. Why me!?