Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why Me?

There have been some bad things that have happened in my life and I would often think "why me". What did I do to deserve this horrible thing? What did I do to deserve having CF? What did I do to deserve dealing with infertility for so long? I went through a time of great confusion about why these things were happening to me. When I looked around at others' lives, I thought--they don't have to deal with anything as big as what I am going through. Which I know is not true. It is just so easy to get caught up in our own suffering sometimes that we think we have it the worst. 

My point is, I have struggled through the why me's and they are not fun. And now, 8 weeks pregnant with triplets, I find myself asking "why me" again. But this time it is different. This time it more like "how did I get so lucky"? How was it that we got pregnant on our first IUI? How is it that all three of my eggs fertilized? I know the chances of both of those things happening are microscopic. I just feel overwhelmed by how profound it all is. I just don't understand it--not that I need to, but I want to. Out of the small percentage of people in this world that have multiples, or even triplets, why are we one of those couples? What did I do to deserve this? 

Yes, there are certainly going to be challenges with a triplet pregnancy and triplet newborns, but overall, I feel triply lucky. I feel like this is bigger than we could have EVER imagined. I feel like this is a crazy, profound, and amazing thing that is happening and I really just can't believe that it is happening to me. I went from fearing I would never have any babies to finding out that I will be having three. How does that happen? Why does this happen? I don't know if I will ever know the answer, but the answer is irrelevant. I will just try to each and every day feel grateful for this no matter how hard it gets. I am grateful, so grateful and I can't find the words to express that. I appreciate each and every day that I am pregnant with these babies. Sometimes is it hard, when I feel horrible and can't eat anything, and have no energy to do anything--but none of that matters. What is happening is something so much bigger than what I feel like physically. 

I don't know if this post even makes sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that the news of triplets has been a lot to digest. I have been all over the place emotionally. Now that the dust is beginning to settle a little, I am realizing how amazing what is happening to me really is and I am in awe of it. Why me!?

No comments:

Post a Comment