Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What Did You Expect For Me To Say?

Yesterday's visit with pessimistic preggo, I will now refer to her as Polly, went bad. I was really proud of how I handled myself. She was so annoying. She complained ALL DAY. I am not exaggerating.

At the end of the day, right before I was about to leave it was just her and I in the kitchen and here is where things got sticky:

Her: "Oh my gosh, this pregnancy is killing me! I am over it [she is 15 weeks]"
Me: "Polly, I hate to hear you say things like that"
Her: "Huh?"
Me: "Your pregnancy is a blessing. You should feel lucky"
Her: Rolls eyes
Me: "I am serious. You have something a lot of people can't have"
Insert awkward silence here

Luckily someone came in the room and the conversation ended. I wasn't going to say anything at all until she said what she did when it was just to me. What did she expect for me to say? Did she think I was going to pity her? Did she think I was going to sympathize with her? Remember, she knows about our IF.

My friend told me that after I left she was upset and told her husband that her mom and others told her she shouldn't have to watch what she says around me.

I am just hurt right now. I have been open about our struggles so that hopefully, there is some consideration about how I feel. I do not want to make a big deal about things or make everything about me. I am just asking for SOME kind of human decency.

I mean, if you got a huge promotion and were spending time with someone who was really struggling financially, would you go on and on about how excited you were about your increase in salary, how you now never have to worry about money at all, or all the things you want to do with your new found cash? No! You would watch what you say so that you don't make that person feel uncomfortable. Why is this any different??

And the fact that her mother told her not to watch what she says hurts me to, because this is my DH's aunt whom we are very close to. She always seems so supportive.

I wish this didn't bother me, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I am torn about why it should. BUT it does. It makes me so upset and angry. I try to fight feeling that way and I stuff it down, but it always finds its way to the surface.

I am going to go the gym now, so I can hopefully shake this off.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Is it Too Much to Ask for?

I am about to go out with a friend and a family member who is pregnant and I am dreading it. I saw this family member last night and all she did was complain about not being able to drink and how tired she was and how she can't wait until this "thing" is born. She was trying to plan all these trips and things to do after the baby was born like she couldn't wait. She is only 15 weeks!

My feelings are hurt because she knows all of our TTC struggles and IF plan and there is zero consideration of my feelings.

I am torn because this is a major thing in her life and she should be able to talk about it as she wants, but I also feel that some consideration would be nice. Some acknowledgement that it might be hard for me to be around her since all she does is complain and/or talk about her pregnancy/baby.

I normally would not go out of my way to make plans with her since it bothers me to be around her, but she pretty much invited herself for today's outing.

Ugh. She just doesn't get it. Part of me wants to address this with her, but a big part of me would feel selfish asking her to tone down the preggo talk. I just had to vent on here. Is it too much to ask for for her to have some considering of my feelings?

These are the times I feel so alone in this... like no one IRL understands AT ALL. It hurts so much to see her have something she is taking for granted that I am trying so hard to achieve and would cherish so much.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Different Kind of Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year felt different. This year I felt like we were just waiting for it to pass by, and I hate that. I try to live in the moment and appreciate everyday but, this Christmas I was just waiting for it to be over so we can move forward.

The past few days I have really been struggling with patience. I am so eager to start this IUI. I am a very goal-oriented person and I am so focused on the next cycle that I don't feel like I am really living life.

The thoughts I have been having about the IUI are mostly positive so I will give myself credit for that. But more than anything I need to find that balance between being focused and hopeful vs. becoming obsessed.

I hope everyone was able to enjoy some aspect of the holiday, although I know it is a tough time of the year for many struggling with IF.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Welcome December IComLeavWe & Genetics

Welcome to any new readers. Here are the Cliff's Notes of our journey up until this point:

Both in late 20s, been TTC for 3+ years. Issue is probably related to cervical mucus. All tests look good so far and we are set to start our first IUI in mid Jan.

Both my Orvedel and Menapor should be arriving today and I am also picking up my Clomid and Progesterone today. Even though I am only on CD13 and won't be starting until next cycle, I wanted to go ahead and get everything so I am not rushing around.

Yesterday, my husband I a met with a genetic counselor. For new readers, I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis a couple of years ago. I have a mild case, hence being diagnosed as an adult. Anyway, when I was first diagnosed with CF my husband had a genetic test done to see if he carried the gene (it is a genetic disease) which came back negative. To make a complex story short, both parents must carry the gene in order for a child to receive it. I became paranoid about the test he received and wondered if it was extensive enough.

So back to the point, we met with a genetic counselor yesterday to go over the statistics and chances our child could have CF based on the testing my husband received. The appointment was very reassuring. She informed us that our children have a .25% chance of having CF. 1/4th of a percent. A 99.75% chance of NOT having CF. I asked her what the chances were of other birth defects (that the general population has) just to compare and she said at my age the chance of having a baby with heart defects is 1%. That is .75% higher than the chances he/she will have CF, and that percentage doesn't stop almost anyone from procreating.

We knew the chances our baby would have CF would be next to none, but I am such a worrier and wanted to be sure so that I won't worry during a pregnancy. I have read another blog about someone with CF and IF and there were some nasty and hurtful comments left about people's opinions on whether or not she should be "able" to have children. I ask that you please not do that here. I wasn't going to post anything about this because I do not want those same comments. Not that I need to justify my choices, but I will for a second. I am in great health, I have a mild case of CF, and there is a 99.75% chance that we will not have a child with CF.

I chose to post because it is a part of journey and something unique to our situation. All of our journey's are unique and we all have different things we worry about. I want to be able to be open and honest here and CF is apart of that. Maybe I am paranoid about judgment because I am still worried about how people perceive me because of this disease. What most people know about CF is the terrible, devastating side to the disease, and I am so fortunate that that is not me. If you would like to know more about CF or my case specifically I would be glad to share. You can email me at

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Plan in Place

I just got home from my injectables class and follow up appointment with my RE, and I am excited! She gave us the option of a clomid IUI or a clomid + minimal stimulation IUI. We are choosing the later, more aggressive route, which will be:

Day 3-7: Clomid, 100mg
Day 9: Menapur 75 units
Day 13ish: Trigger: Ovidrel 250 micrograms
36 hrs later: IUI
After IUI: Progesterone

They do not pre schedule betas at this clinic but want you take a HPT 14 days after IUI and then come in that day or the next to have the b/w.

I feel very excited right now. For one, just simply having a concrete plan that includes increasing our chances is enough to have me jumping for joy. I felt like we were stuck for so long in one place, and now I feel like we are unstuck. I will worry about what if it doesn't work later because it is inevitable that my mind will go there the closer we get. But for now, I am happy and excited and really imagining having a baby and that feels good. There was a long time we stopped dreaming about it...

I am on CD7 now so we have about 3 more weeks until the "action" cycle starts. Thank goodness for the Holidays to help the time pass by.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Another Hurdle Crossed

Yesterday I received the results from my CD3 ultrasound/labs. The nurse actually called while I was out shopping. So I found a quiet corner at REI and squatted down with my notebook to write down the numbers she gave me. I must of looked pretty crazy but I didn't care. I had been waiting for that call and I wasn't going to miss the details!

-15 antral follicles 
-Lining = 3.9
-Estraidol = 25
-FSH = 7.7

The nurse said that all results were within normal range. I started to google when I got home, but stopped. I need to just be content with the words "within normal range". Anything I find will probably just make me pessimistic. On Tuesday I take an injectables class and then meet for a followup with my Dr. to discuss the game plan. I am not sure why they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class (even before this CD3 testing)...? Maybe because of the trigger shot?

I guess I will find out soon enough. Today I feel hopeful and excited and I will enjoy that while it lasts. I seem to hold my breath and prepare for the worst when getting any kind of results lately, but from what I was told the results didn't show anything bad. So for now I remain optimistic.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

At What Expense?

CD1 today brings with it no disappointment. It is a rare thing. But this past month we needed a break. We were not trying but not preventing which just took a lot of pressure and expectation off. We figured if it hasn't happened by now on our own, it probably won't. I don't think we even BD around peak times, so I was not at all surprised or saddened by this month's AF appearance. I am glad for today because we get to move forward.

I have scheduled my CD3 labs and u/s for Friday. I am excited and nervous to see what comes of it. The last time I had CD3 labs and u/s was a year and half ago and things looked good. I wonder if much can change in that amount of time?

I say I want a baby more than anything but that's not true. I want to keep a good solid foundation in my marriage first and foremost. It is the thing I cherish most in life. That is the reason for this past month's "break". Forced BD was straining our relationship. Yes, this is and is going to be a stressful process, but I keep asking myself, "at what expense". We want a family so very much, but at what expense? To the expense of my health? No. Our marriage? No. Too much financial strain? No. So does that mean I don't want it as much as other people? I don't know and don't think it really matters.

I can see and understand how couples get so deep into this process that is hard to see beyond it. And I get like that sometimes. And I fight that. I don't want to become that. I am afraid of becoming that. So if I continue to ask myself, at what expense? Maybe I will let the answer to that guide me.

I don't know. This whole thing is such a roller coaster and so confusing I don't know what to think or if any of this even made sense outside of my own head!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

More Than a Year

Since my past post I have turned a year older. 27 sounds more than a year older to me than 26 for some reason. But I love celebrating my birthday no matter what age because it is a celebration of life and living.

I have opened up about or IF plans with an aunt and her wife. I figured they would understand being a couple that cannot conceive on their own. And they did. For some reason I don't want to keep it a secret and have lately felt compelled to inform many family members and to talk very openly about it. I guess this surprises me because it is far from the person I used to be.

I used to be this person who exemplified the perfect life as a someone who really had things together. I wasn't this person, but it is who I wanted people to think I was. I didn't really share any negative things in my life with people. The real me remained hidden behind this persona of perfection.

I have changed a lot since then. Being diagnosed with CF and dealing with IF has taught me about opening up and letting people be there for me. I realized that it is hard for people to connect to someone who doesn't have any problems. Problems make us human. And we connect through suffering. Maybe this is why I have been so open with family about our IF. To me its like saying "See people, I am not perfect. I suffer too! I need love and support too!"

I have also learned a lot about the importance of self care. Which is why today I plan on spending a couple hours doing chores around the house and then I am going to get a message, and then relaxing by the fireplace while watching football all day.

Maybe 27 sounds more than a year older than 26 because of the amount of personal growth that has happened in that time...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Waiting, Planning, Preparing

It is CD23 and I am waiting. AF is expected to arrive in about 7 days. Then I will call to schedule my CD3 ultrasound & b/w. After that I will have another appointment the following week to discuss the game plan and then I should have the IUI #1 in mid to late January. It feels like we are moving at a snails pace, but I guess that is good. It helps to not feel so overwhelmed, but my patience is wearing thin.

DH and I have been discussing adoption and other options, just because I really like to have a backup plan. Not that I am going into the IUI(s) preparing for failure, but it helps to know we will have a baby somehow. I just don't know if I could or would want to go through IVF if needed. I reserve the right to change my mind, and I very well could, but right now I feel like if IUI is not our answer, we might seriously consider adoption.

We have been TTC for 3+ years, and in this time I have not purchased a single item for our future baby. For some reason yesterday I started thinking that I might start buying small things here and there. I guess it kind of reinforces the idea that we are sure we are going to have a baby somehow, someway. And I always like to be prepared and to be "doing something". So what if I have a room full of diapers and no baby for awhile, right?