Wednesday, December 8, 2010

At What Expense?

CD1 today brings with it no disappointment. It is a rare thing. But this past month we needed a break. We were not trying but not preventing which just took a lot of pressure and expectation off. We figured if it hasn't happened by now on our own, it probably won't. I don't think we even BD around peak times, so I was not at all surprised or saddened by this month's AF appearance. I am glad for today because we get to move forward.

I have scheduled my CD3 labs and u/s for Friday. I am excited and nervous to see what comes of it. The last time I had CD3 labs and u/s was a year and half ago and things looked good. I wonder if much can change in that amount of time?

I say I want a baby more than anything but that's not true. I want to keep a good solid foundation in my marriage first and foremost. It is the thing I cherish most in life. That is the reason for this past month's "break". Forced BD was straining our relationship. Yes, this is and is going to be a stressful process, but I keep asking myself, "at what expense". We want a family so very much, but at what expense? To the expense of my health? No. Our marriage? No. Too much financial strain? No. So does that mean I don't want it as much as other people? I don't know and don't think it really matters.

I can see and understand how couples get so deep into this process that is hard to see beyond it. And I get like that sometimes. And I fight that. I don't want to become that. I am afraid of becoming that. So if I continue to ask myself, at what expense? Maybe I will let the answer to that guide me.

I don't know. This whole thing is such a roller coaster and so confusing I don't know what to think or if any of this even made sense outside of my own head!

1 comment:

  1. I agree wholeheartedly about a solid foundation in your marriage being more important than a baby. While I often feel twinges of envy at pregnant bellies or mommies, I would not trade places with any my friends who are expecting or who are moms with a troubled marriage. Maybe I say this because I've never been a mom so it's just a love I do not know, but right now, I'd much rather get my period than a divorce.