Sunday, January 30, 2011


I had my 2nd Beta today and it was 336.

I am still in shock and somewhat disbelief.

We have told several family members because they have been following our journey for a long time now. Not one seemed to be cautious or guarded about it being so early. In fact all this talk about the future and "when the baby comes" were discussed. There were tears and so much excitement. But with each person we told I felt a little nervous about it. What if something goes wrong? It is so early.

The reason we decided to tell family the details of what was going on and sharing the news so early was that we wanted support. And we figure if something does go wrong with this pregnancy we would want the support in getting through it. But I just feel conflicted about it because of HOW excited everyone was. This is going to be DHs parents' first grandchild so naturally they were elated. Part of me feels like I would be disappointing everyone (and myself of course) if things went wrong.

So I try and remind myself of these things 1) It is out of my control and worrying will cause more harm than good. 2) It has taken us a long time to get here so we deserve to enjoy it just like any fertile woman would feel when she got a positive and 3) If something bad happens we will get through it.

This is such a weird place I am in.

We go for our first u/s on Valentine's Day--I really can't think of anything more romantic.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Is This Real Life? Part 2

Update: I went to get my first beta. The nurse didn't ask me at first exactly what dpiui I was, although she asked the date of my last period and when the iui was. I just don't think she put 2 and 2 together. So when she told me we were hoping for a 60 or higher and I asked, "even taking into consideration how early we are testing" she looked at me like I was crazy. Once we cleared up the confusion she wasn't very happy with me because she had already taken my blood and we weren't supposed to do a beta until 14dpiui. Anyway, she said she would still run it.

So I just got the call not about an hour ago and my first beta is 118! The nurse (a different one) told me that was a good number and I am scheduled to go back in on Sunday.
I just CAN'T believe this is happening. I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. Thank you for the continued support and all of the congratulations. Although I am elated,  I just really feel like I can "own" this yet...if that makes any sense.

Is This Real Life?

I am pretty much in shock today. This morning, at 11dpiui I got a BFP!

My clinic's instructions were to test 2 weeks after the IUI and to call if I got a BFP. Who are we kidding? There was no way I could wait until 14dpiui, so I started testing yesterday with Wondfo testing strips (from the internet) at 10dpiui and I got the faintest line that barley showed up in the picture I took of it. But it was there and at least had me hopeful that the next day (today's) would be darker, and it was much darker! It came up a few minutes before the 5 minutes were up so I 99% certain this is no evap line. It is still not ask dark as the control line but it is definitely there and you can see it from the across the room. It is definitely a least I think so. In 3+ years of TTC, I have never had one before!

I called the clinic this morning to schedule the "confirmation b/w"- which is what they call it, and I go in later today for that. The receptionist never asked me how many days piui I was, so I assume it is ok that I come in for the b/w even though I didn't wait the recommended time to test. At least I hope it is ok. I just really want some sort of confirmation! Is this really happening?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Opening Up

This is something I wrote on my other blog that mostly family reads and I wanted to share it here:

Dealing with IF has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. It ranks right up there, if not higher than, CF. I often think about what would be the most meaningful thing in my life and what I want to accomplish in this lifetime. And my answer has almost always been to have and raise children.So inevitably there is so much fear that what I want most out of life might not come true. That is not to say I don't believe that it will ever happen, but I  am often afraid when envisioning a life in which it does not happen.

The best way to describe the emotions surrounding IF is that it is a roller coaster I cannot get off of, with highs, lows, loops, twists, and turns. I am still waiting for that moment where the ride comes to a screeching halt, you catch your breath, lift the bar up, and exit.  Here are just some of the emotions I have experienced since we started TTC:

1) Excitement: Starting off we thought we could plan exactly when we would have a baby. We planned things out so that our baby would be born shortly after I finished my graduate degree. We were filled with excitement of the future path we knew our lives were about to take. We thought of names, nursery ideas, how we would announce the news, and how I would be a big huge beaming pregnant woman under my cap and gown at graduation. We were naive, but that was ok.

2) Frustration: After about 6 months I began to wonder if something was wrong. We were/are young and healthy, so why wasn't anything happening? I read books, and I knew the timing of everything. I took care of myself and was sure not to take any medications or drink alcohol during times where I might be pregnant. Why isn't this working for us? We are doing everything right.

3) Sadness: Each month of failure brings about more sadness and disappointment. All the hope washes away and some days I feel like it will never happen. Some days I feel like no one understands. But I usually put on a happy face and just keep living.

4) Fear: Every time things seem to be headed in the right direction and it still doesn't work out I think to myself, if it didn't happen this time, will it ever happen? I imagine a life without children in it and I feel empty. I imagine never having our own family and there is this pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. The fears creep in almost daily. Sometimes the thoughts last a split second, and sometimes they linger much longer. It might be out of nowhere while I am at work, when I first wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep at night, driving in my car, and other times it is provoked by reminders of pregnancy, children, and families, and almost always happens after another unsuccessful cycle. Sometimes the fear has paralyzed me and stopped me from moving forward with IF treatments, or forced me to "take a break" for a month here and there.

5) Jealousy: This one is ugly and I hate to admit it. I look around me and of course people get pregnant. I think--why not me? When will it be my turn? I have done everything the "right" way and yet I don't get the reward. Homeless, crack-addicts can get pregnant, but I can't? Life is not fair, why me, why me, etc. etc. etc. In reality my journey has nothing to do with anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with the person. It is the reminder of what I don't have. I am often happy and excited for someone else's pregnancy, but also sad and jealous for myself at the same time.

6) Isolation: Sometimes I feel very alone in what we are going through. Sometimes I feel like no matter how eloquently I can describe the emotions behind this, there is no way someone from the outside is going to understand the magnitude of it's weight.The feelings are with me everyday. And if I tell people them, they might minimize it because they don't truly understand, and that would make me feel even more alone.

7) Preoccupation: Feeling like I am not really present in life. It is like inside my brain is a running loop of all of these thoughts and feelings surrounding IF. Not to mention the constant reminders around me about how seemingly easy it is to get pregnant. I try my best to push these thoughts and feelings away, and over time, I have gotten better.

8) Grief: Each month starts with hope and ends with grief. Each month ends in a loss because it is the loss of that month's hope and of what could have been.

There are good days and there are bad days. Although I feel all of these things very deeply, I learn to cope and deal with them and continue living a fulfilling life. I try my hardest to believe that one day we will get what we desire most out of life, but some days it is really hard and I can't find the strength. I have learned to cope by connecting with other people that are going through this, but they are hard to find because it is not something people often talk about.

You might be thinking, get a grip or just don't think about it all the time. One point I want to make is that it is not possible to be actively TTC and not think about it all the time, especially if pursuing IF treatments. There are medications, appointments, and certain things I cannot do during the time I could be pregnant. The key is finding the balance between thinking about it enough to do what I need to each month, but not letting myself get swept away with the emotional parts of it. I know I have said this exact thing about CF. It is funny how our same issues pop up with our biggest life challenges. I have gotten SO much better about managing this with CF and I am inching my way through dealing with this with IF.

What I hope for people to learn from this post is that it has been and still is really hard. If you know someone else that deals with IF, you can expect that they deal with similar emotions, although they might not tell you about it. I have emphasized the negative ones here so that you can understand. There have also been some positive things that have come out of this, like building a stronger bond with my husband, learning to let people in, appreciating life, and knowing how much more I will appreciate a pregnancy and baby if/when this happens for us because of what it has taken to get there.

How you can help support someone dealing with IF is to be understanding of what they are going through. To know that it is roller coaster and sometimes they are going to feel excited and other times they are going to fight to believe and to put on that happy face. Sometimes they are going to be devastated at yet another failed cycle. To understand that they are happy for you when you get pregnant but it makes them sad that they haven't been able to have it for themselves. It means knowing that if they don't come around as often, they might be dealing with another month's disappointment. If you are around them and they seem preoccupied or "not with it" they are probably wondering if they are pregnant, what happens if they are, what happens if they are not, grieving another failure, etc. And if all else fails, and you are not sure what to say or how to act, just ask. Asking is always better than assuming or not saying anything, in my opinion. If you read this whole thing then you care enough to want to understand what I am going through and that means THE WORLD to me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fear is Here

Yesterday I mentioned some pains in my lower right side. They seem to come and go and have for the past 3 days. This morning (8dpiui) they were at their worst. It was like a stabbing/pinching pain that I will feel for like 5 seconds on, 5 seconds off. It is really scaring me. I have read about implantation cramping and that it is similar to menstrual cramps, but this is nothing like menstrual cramps. It is a more localized pain. My fear is an ectopic pregnancy.

I am not being 100% irrational here. When we first met for our consult with our RE she said that it is rarely the case with CF women, but that sometimes the cilia in the fallopian tubes do not push the egg to the uterus. She said the only way of knowing if that will happen or not is if it happens. She said it was not a reason to not move forward and that we would just monitor early to ensure that the pregnancy is where it is supposed to be. She was very nonchalant about it. I, on the other hand, am not.

From what I have read it would be too early to feel pains of an ectopic, but I am just so scared. It is too early to even tell if I am pregnant. I called and left a message for the nurse but I really don't know what she could tell me about it. It is too early to diagnose anything! I really wish I were stronger. I don't know how you ladies do all of this for so long and then some (i.e. IVF). I am not even through my first IUI and I am having such a hard time keeping it together.

I am such a different person than I was the first two weeks of this cycle. The longer it goes on the less sure I become and the more fear sets in. The longer I am taking this Progesterone the more crazy, angry, sad, I am getting. I am trying not to make any decisions about subsequent cycles because of how I am feeling right now, but I do want to give all of you out there that do this back to back to back, etc. so much credit. You have so much strength. If you have any left over strength I could use some of those vibes!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Half Way There and Losing it a Little Bit

Ok. I have a confession. I went a little crazy today. I googled "when did you get your BFP after IUI". I started reading this forum and it was all women who had BFPs from their IUIs. They each gave the details of their cycles (i.e. how many follicles, sperm count, meds, etc). I think I spent over an hour reading this forum.

I never feel better after googling anything. I mean, the information I found was very positive and hopeful obviously because they were BFP stories, but no matter how many stories I hear-good or bad- I am going to feel the same way: impatient and crazy.

I hate that I gave into that part of me. The part that is not ok with the unknown. I want so badly to be the "whatever happens, happens" kind of person, but I am just not. I will give myself a little credit and say that I have gotten better, but I still have a long way to go.

Today is 7dpiui. I am feeling moody, sore boobs, bloated, and a pinching/mildly painful feeling on the lower right side of my pelvic region and sometimes the left side. It becomes pinpointed to one spot so it doesn't feel like normal cramping that is more generalized to the whole area. 

I am angry because of the mind games IF and meds play with me. I am angry that Progesterone side effects mimic pregnancy so I cannot gauge what my body is actually going through. I am mad at myself for obsessing and spending so much time thinking about what might or might not be when I need to be focusing on work and school. I am mad that I don't feel like myself lately. I am mad at myself for not being present in life during all of this. I am sad that I/we have to go through this. I am scared that it won't work and how I will feel if that happens.

The stakes are higher than they have ever been for us and there is so much more on the line. This has stirred up all kinds of emotions in me. Mostly the ones that have been at bay since we first started TTC over 3 years ago. Somewhere along the line I became numb to the BFNs. Now that we are doing something different it is like starting all over. Excitement paired with all kinds of negative feelings.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Thoughts on 5dpiui

Welcome ICLW. Thank you for stopping by my blog. Here is a very abbreviated version of our TTC Journey: Married for 4 years and TTC for 3+ years. We are pretty sure the only issue is a CM issue. Because of life stressors and some fear, we have never followed through with any ART until now (besides clomid and testing).  We just had our first (and only, hoping) IUI this past Monday in which I had 3 mature follicles and DH had a great sperm count. I am 5dpiui.

I really appreciate the comments about my last post about fear. They helped me to know that I am not the only one who struggles with it. For the most part I have been pretty good, but I have my moments that my mind goes wild. If I am staying busy, I am not fearful. But in times like when I first wake up or go to sleep and driving to and from work, I have a hard time quieting my mind.

One second my fears are that we will get pregnant with triplets because I had 3 follicles, or that I will have a tubal pregnancy, and then the next second it will be that I am not pregnant and will never be pregnant. It is so crazy.

The Progesterone suppositories have been pretty gross, but nothing horrible. I just hate having to wear a pad. They are so uncomfortable. The only side effect I have experienced has been bloating. I have had some slight cramping so that might also be another s/e.

We have told several family members about the details of our cycle. I have such mixed emotions about it. I like the idea of having people behind us every step of the way, but I also feel like they don't truly get the emotions that accompany each step. The most common reaction is excitement which I like, but for sometimes I feel it is not good for me for everybody to get so excited. When I try to explain my fears or how I am somewhat guarded at times I get the "you just have to stay positive".  I don't really know what I expect from people. My own feelings are so conflicted that I just can't pinpoint what I need from those around me.

One thing that did bother me was when I was describing what an IUI was and a family member said "oh that's the turkey baster thing". That really bothers me for some reason. I think if she says it again I might address it. I feel defensive when it is described in that way. I know it isn't the most romantic/natural thing but calling it "the turkey baster thing" feels a little insensitive. Or maybe I am just sensitive about it. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Archnemesis

Fear is my worst enemy. It knocks on my door often. Sometimes I am strong enough to refuse to answer it, and other times I peak out the window just to see what it looks like. Then there are times that I open the door, let it walk in, and ask it if it wants something to drink.

Right now I am somewhere between peaking and letting it in. I am only 2 dpiui. I am beginning to have fears about this cycle. What if it doesn't work. Or worse, what if I have a tubal pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself because in a big picture kind of way, I just don't want to live my life like this. I don't think that a life of fear is truly "living". I hate being so "in my head" about things, and I am trying really hard to just live in the moment and continue with life as normal (minus the progesterone suppositories) until I find out if I am pregnant or not. There is absolutely no point in having those fears and worries. None!

I do kind of believe in the whole Law of Attraction/The Secret stuff. And if so, thinking those kinds of thoughts is only going to bring negativity and more fear into my life. So why must I torture myself? I really feel like I need to get this in check now because if/when I do become pregnant I will not allow myself to spend the whole 9 months being afraid.

I don't have any real control over whether or not this works out and that is scary. I just need to work on letting go of that fear and just dealing with whatever comes. It is much easier said than done for me. But writing this blog and remembering that worrying is not going to do anything good for me helps. I need to kick fear out of my house, board up the doors and windows, and just live.

Monday, January 17, 2011

IUI #1 (and only, hopefully)

Well today was the big day! It was filled with excitement, nervousness, and a lot of waiting.

We had to arrive at the clinic at 8:30am so DH could give his contributions. My IUI was scheduled for 10am so we went down to the cafe and had some breakfast in between. We weren't called back until about 10:30ish, and then waited in the exam room another 15-20 before the procedure. All the waiting felt like forever! We were just ready to go through with it!

The Dr. said that DH's sperm count was "excellent" at 23mil post-wash. Instead of manically googling to find out if those numbers are good I will just take his word for it. He told me that if we have to do another round (which we really, really hope not) we won't change the medication protocol at all because he said that I responded exactly how I needed to. That makes me feel good about our chances for this one.

I felt crampy all morning, even before the procedure, and after it was/is a little worse. The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but mostly just quick and painless. I just squeezed DH's hand when the catheter went in and didn't stop squeezing until it was out. Then I laid on the table for about 15 minutes.

Going into this I was upset by the fact that if we conceive through IUI it would be impersonal and that there wouldn't be love or closeness involved. But I was wrong. Whether we conceived a baby or not I felt even closer to my husband because of what we have gone/are going through. While he held my hand and was just as nervous and excited as I was, we were in it together 100%. I won't forget that. It even brings a tear to my eye to think about it.

I was instructed to begin Progesterone suppositories on Wednesday (3xs a day) and to take a HPT in 2 weeks. If it is a BFP I will go in that day for b/w and then again a day or so after that for another round of b/w to make sure all is progressing. If the HPT is negative, I am to stop taking the Progesterone and call when AF arrives to schedule CD3 ultrasound and b/w to start all over again.

I am hoping with all my heart that this is it for us. I could be very naive to think this will work on the first go around, but today I want to just believe that it can and will. Tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes, I might change my mind, but that is where I am right now. Please, please, please, let this be it for us!

My goals for this 2WW are to try to stay busy, to stay positive, and to not obsess about symptoms--especially since the side effects of Progesterone are a lot like pregnancy symptoms. It is also my goal not to test until exactly 2 weeks from now...I am not as confident about this one.

Thank you for all the good vibes and for just being here so that I don't feel so alone in this crazy journey.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

On Our Way

We just got home from our CD12 monitoring appointment and there were 3 mature follicles!! I can't remember exactly but I think she said the sizes were 17, 19, 22.

I trigger tonight and the IUI is on Monday morning. I am SO excited! A different doctor did the ultrasound, but she told me there will be a chance of triplets since I have 3 mature follicles and that this chance is a little higher because I am "nice and young" (I am 27). She said she needed to consult with my regular Dr. but that they would call and let me know if we are still on to trigger. A nurse called me just a little while ago and told me to trigger at 10pm tonight.

I can't believe we are on our way! I am so excited right now. I don't know if I should be this excited, but we have never been here before so we are filled with hope.

I meant to ask this but I forgot--I wonder if because there were 3 follies if the chance of a pregnancy (even just a singleton) is increased. I think it would, right?

And the icing on the cake: my body cooperated once again with my work schedule and since Monday is MLK day I won't have work and therefore will not be missing work for my IUI. I am just so extremely grateful that things have gone so smoothly so far and I am going to try to hold onto this hope until there is reason not to. I haven't felt this good about our chances ever.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Baby Brain Insanity

I have baby brain, only not the pregnancy type, the TTC type. In this week alone I have had at least 3 dreams about being pregnant, having a baby, etc. Last night's dream was so vivid. This is CD11 so I am fairly certain that my dreams aren't trying to tell me something. 

This is something I want so, so badly. Some days my patience wears thin and I really feel like all this waiting is causing too much stress. But what other choice do I have? I daydream and dream at night about what our lives will be like with a baby. I think about holding the baby, waking up in the morning with the baby, feeding the baby, dressing the baby, changing the baby's diaper, going places with the baby, seeing my husband with the baby. I don't know if this is healthy!

I lost my IF injection virginity 2 nights ago. DH administered my first ever shot (Menopur). I was more nervous about mixing it right and following the steps correctly than I was about the actual shot. It was pretty easy, and afterwords we thought to ourselves, that was it? Now what?

Tomorrow we go to our first monitoring appointment to see how things are looking and when we can expect to have the IUI. I hope everything looks great. I usually don't ovulate until around CD16-18 so it may not be for another week. But who knows, maybe the Clomid/Menopur has sped things up?

I am trying so hard to just live life as I normally would, but my mind is preoccupied with baby this, baby that. Some days I am good and I think about it minimally, but others, like today, I am a mess. How am I going to get through all of this waiting!?

Monday, January 10, 2011

One Week in

Here I am CD7 and my emotions are all over the place.  Tonight will be my last dose of Clomid. I take it at night and I have noticed 2 things from it. 1) Hot flashes in the middle of the night waking me up...then I am freezing and I have to bundle back up, then I wake up all sweaty, repeat, repeat, repeat. 2) Mood Swings. I have not felt like myself lately. I start crying for next to nothing, and I have gotten uncharacteristically angry on several occasions.

I am not really complaining about it, but rather making observations. I know it will be worth it and I also know it could be worse.

I try not to think too much about whether or not this first IUI will work, how many times we would try IUIs if it doesn't, etc, etc, etc. But it is so hard. One minute I am filled with such excitement that this is it for us and the next I picture us being left with nothing but depression.

Also, we have been snowed in today and will probably be tomorrow. Normally this would be a GREAT thing, but staying busy is really something I need right now!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Here We Go

CD1 and here we go! I am very excited/nervous about this being our first IUI cycle. On Thursday I start 100mg of Clomid for CD3-7. CD9 is the Menopur shot, and my CD12 monitoring appointment fell on a Saturday! Thank you body for cooperating with my work schedule and not making me miss work!

After that we trigger, have the IUI, and progesterone until it is time to test. We'll see how that whole waiting to test thing goes.

The other night I got really anxious about starting fertility treatments. What if it doesn't work? How will my body react to the medications? Will the side effects be horrible? I got upset for a while and then just realized I have to let go and take things one step at a time.

I guess one concern I have is the possibility of Clomid and/or Menopur combo making me ovulate super early before the CD12 monitoring appointment causing us to be too late and miss this cycle. For you ladies who have had experience with either or both of these medications, did you ovulate earlier, later, or the same as without the medication?

I guess the big lesson here is that I have to trust that these doctors know what they are doing. I mean, if it was common for those medications to cause early ovulation, they would probably recommend an earlier ultrasound than CD12. Duh! I am going to work on relaxing and trusting the process, I swear!

P.S. Thank you for the supportive comments regarding Polly. It made me feel better know that people understood how I felt.