Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Archnemesis

Fear is my worst enemy. It knocks on my door often. Sometimes I am strong enough to refuse to answer it, and other times I peak out the window just to see what it looks like. Then there are times that I open the door, let it walk in, and ask it if it wants something to drink.

Right now I am somewhere between peaking and letting it in. I am only 2 dpiui. I am beginning to have fears about this cycle. What if it doesn't work. Or worse, what if I have a tubal pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself because in a big picture kind of way, I just don't want to live my life like this. I don't think that a life of fear is truly "living". I hate being so "in my head" about things, and I am trying really hard to just live in the moment and continue with life as normal (minus the progesterone suppositories) until I find out if I am pregnant or not. There is absolutely no point in having those fears and worries. None!

I do kind of believe in the whole Law of Attraction/The Secret stuff. And if so, thinking those kinds of thoughts is only going to bring negativity and more fear into my life. So why must I torture myself? I really feel like I need to get this in check now because if/when I do become pregnant I will not allow myself to spend the whole 9 months being afraid.

I don't have any real control over whether or not this works out and that is scary. I just need to work on letting go of that fear and just dealing with whatever comes. It is much easier said than done for me. But writing this blog and remembering that worrying is not going to do anything good for me helps. I need to kick fear out of my house, board up the doors and windows, and just live.


  1. I can totally relate to this post. It's so hard to be free of the fear. Best of luck to you kicking it out! :)

  2. Best of luck! I'm 2dp3dt so I know what you feel. Maybe we can't be free of the fears, but we can choose not to let them take over. Here's to a BFP!

  3. LOVE this post! It's so hard to not live in fear... especially when you are an IFer. We just know too much and doubt everything :)

    Take care of yourself, your body, and your mind. The wait will be up soon... here's to your BFP!

  4. This is a tough one to kick out just like that. You haven't chosen this road, yet you are in the middle of it. What we can (try to) choose is how we react on things. Easier said than done, right. Words like hope, faith and believing for the best comes to mind. Best wishes.

  5. Fear is a hard one to let go of... I wish I knew how too. Good luck with the IUI!

  6. It is so hard to remain calm and centered with anything regarding pregnancy after dealing with infertility or loss. {{{Hugs}}}and best of luck with this cycle.

    ICLW #59