Half Way There and Losing it a Little Bit

Ok. I have a confession. I went a little crazy today. I googled "when did you get your BFP after IUI". I started reading this forum and it was all women who had BFPs from their IUIs. They each gave the details of their cycles (i.e. how many follicles, sperm count, meds, etc). I think I spent over an hour reading this forum.

I never feel better after googling anything. I mean, the information I found was very positive and hopeful obviously because they were BFP stories, but no matter how many stories I hear-good or bad- I am going to feel the same way: impatient and crazy.

I hate that I gave into that part of me. The part that is not ok with the unknown. I want so badly to be the "whatever happens, happens" kind of person, but I am just not. I will give myself a little credit and say that I have gotten better, but I still have a long way to go.

Today is 7dpiui. I am feeling moody, sore boobs, bloated, and a pinching/mildly painful feeling on the lower right side of my pelvic region and sometimes the left side. It becomes pinpointed to one spot so it doesn't feel like normal cramping that is more generalized to the whole area. 

I am angry because of the mind games IF and meds play with me. I am angry that Progesterone side effects mimic pregnancy so I cannot gauge what my body is actually going through. I am mad at myself for obsessing and spending so much time thinking about what might or might not be when I need to be focusing on work and school. I am mad that I don't feel like myself lately. I am mad at myself for not being present in life during all of this. I am sad that I/we have to go through this. I am scared that it won't work and how I will feel if that happens.

The stakes are higher than they have ever been for us and there is so much more on the line. This has stirred up all kinds of emotions in me. Mostly the ones that have been at bay since we first started TTC over 3 years ago. Somewhere along the line I became numb to the BFNs. Now that we are doing something different it is like starting all over. Excitement paired with all kinds of negative feelings.