Monday, November 29, 2010

Is Honesty the Best Policy with IF in the Workplace?

Thank you for the couple of people who let me know there was an issue with the commenting function on my posts. Hopefully that is fixed now that I have changed the design. Also, thank you for the comments and for following! :) Thanksgiving was great, but now that it is Monday I am back to business and focusing on moving forward with fertility stuff.

My latest stressor has been trying to think of how I will handle missing work for RE appointments for our upcoming IUI adventure(s). A little background info: I work in an administrative position at a college and I have only been working here for 9 months. I do not have a personal relationship with either of my bosses and conversation it is mostly business with occasional small talk. I already miss work more than the average person because I have CF doctors appointments which take a couple of hours, and I usually end up taking a half day and sometimes a whole day just to not feel like I am rushing around.

When I have these appointments I just tell my bosses they are "doctors" appointments or I lie and say I am going to the dentist. I start work at 7:30 so even if my RE appointments are early, it is inevitable that I will have to miss some work. Not to mention the injectables class I have at 1:30pm on a work day in a couple of weeks. I just don't know what to tell my bosses.

It isn't that my job is so very important that me missing occasionally causes any issues. In fact, I am a very fast worker and often have nothing to do because I have already done it. But I don't want to be viewed as someone who doesn't care about there job or who takes it for granted.

Telling the truth has its negatives. 1) It opens up the relationship to a very personal one and I don't know how I feel about that. 2) It tells them that I will (hopefully) soon be on maternity leave or leaving the job (more likely) and the reason the last person in my position left was because she was pregnant. She went on maternity leave and then told them she wasn't coming back. They made it a point to tell me this upon hiring me. 3) People at work (at least my bosses) will know that I might be pregnant and I wouldn''t like them knowing that I could be, or wondering if I am until I am ready for them to know.

I really don't know what to do and I am stressing out about it. Any advice is appreciated. What have you told your bosses?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It Shouldn't Matter...But it Does.

Other people's pregnancy announcements. I am so conflicted with how I feel on this. Part of the time I think I am crazy for letting it bother me at all. Because what does someone else's life choices/luck have to do with my life's path? But the other part of me can't help but feel sorry for myself.

About a month ago my husband's cousin (whom we are very close to) announced that she was pregnant. Just weeks before she informed me that she wasn't even sure she wanted children but since her husband was going to be getting deployed she wanted to try (turns out he is not getting deployed). She had been married for 2 months. She had been TTC for 2 months.

Yesterday I found out that my cousin is pregnant with #2. She had #1 months after meeting her boyfriend online. She just got married 2 months ago in which she said at the wedding that they would be trying for #2 on the honeymoon. I guess it worked.

When I hear these things I feel self pity and anger. When does doing things the "right" way pay off? Does it ever? Where is our reward for all of the hard work we put into going to college and graduate school? Where is our reward for actually waiting to start trying until after we got married? We have done everything "right" and we are both in jobs we don't particularly enjoy without the one thing we have dreamed of for so long.

In my extended family the majority of babies were conceived "on accident". Most were to unmarried couples. I don't get it. Where is the justice? I know that life isn't fair, but I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach and I am sick of fighting back right now. I know that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, how good the relationship is, or what your education level is, but the part of me that wants to believe that as long as you work hard life can be what you want it to be won't let go.

I will be around DH's cousin all weekend for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can manage to not let it get me down and enjoy the holiday because I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it is hard to see those things sometimes.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

My First IComLeavWe

Welcome to my blog. This is my first IComLeavWe. Here is a summary as abbreviated as I can be, about me, my life, and our TTC journey.

I am turning 27 in 2 weeks, and I am a former counselor turned college administrative (boring) position. I will soon be working on a degree in teaching which has been my secret dream job.

My husband and I have been together for over 7 years, married for 3 1/2, and TTC for 3 years.

We have taken a couple of breaks due to huge life challenges (I was diagnosed with "mild" CF-Cystic Fibrosis in 2008) and just feelings of overwhelm. We were set to start an IUI in March of 2009 after a couple of failed rounds of Clomid but backed out because we were scared, overwhelmed, and dealing with CF.

But now we feel stronger than ever and ready to move forward. We are ready to have the family we dreamed of and know that the road ahead may not be easy. We have been open with our TTC journey with family and although the support has been amazing, I still need a group of people that truly understands... hence this blog.

All signs thus far point to a cervical fluid issue due to CF. We are hoping that IUI is our answer. All my other b/w looks good and so does DH's SA.

I hope that through this blog I can make connections with others who are going through similar struggles and further build our support system. I go back and forth between feeling excited about the next step and scared that it won't work and even worse that our dream will never come true.

What you can expect if you stick around and follow my blog: honesty, raw emotions, overanalyzation (I think I made that word up), occasional humor (its in there somewhere), complaining, impatience, and all kinds of other fun stuff!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Up and Down

What a roller coaster. One second I feel confident, hopeful, positive, "at peace" and excited about our IUI as the next step. But literally the next second I sometimes feel scared, overwhelmed, pessimistic, impatient, doubtful, and hopeless.

Where is the off switch on the brain that shuts up the part that is ruminating about these things? I guess if my job was a little more intellectually stimulating I would have something to occupy my mind...but that is another issue entirely.

And as an aside...I have zero followers currently, which is fine because I have just started this blog. But I found it weird that in previous posts I have asked questions to "an audience" which is probably non existent at this point. So right now I feel like I am really talking to myself. If anyone is out there or reading these posts after the fact, please still feel free to answer my questions or comment, even if it is months after the post. It would make me feel a little less crazy :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Start

We had our appointment with the RE today. It was overwhelming. But good...

I am still processing everything. It takes me awhile to process things when emotions are involved. It looks like an IUI is scheduled for the coming months. 

Based on my previous testing, the RE said that the blood work and HSG looked good. Today is CD7 so I have to wait awhile until my next cycle for the CD3 ultrasound. She said based on that we will decide whether oral or injectables are needed. But they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class on 12/14...I am kind of confused by this? I also have a follow up appointment with the RE following the injectables class. 

I don't know why I am so scared to move forward. I am excited, but really scared. I am afraid of it not working, or of losing a pregnancy. I have not even been pregnant before, but I fear the worst. I am not usually like this with life challenges. I tend to face them head on and with confidence. But this is different. There is so much on the line. Probably my biggest dream in life.  

If I know myself well enough I will let myself be scared, but when I need to I will be confident and hopeful. At least I hope so...

A little patience is in order since it looks like my IUI will not be until January. Part of me wants to just go ahead and jump into the pool of cold water instead of anticipating the shock. But that is not realistic and I just need to be patient and handle things one step at a time. 

I am worried about how I will handle missing work for appointments. I am not sure what to tell my boss. I already "went to the dentist to get a cavity filled" today. What's next? What do you all tell your bosses?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Clarifying the Future...In One Way Or Another

Well at least one part of my future is clear. Today, I finally saw this-- Decision: Congratulations, you've been admitted! I mean yeah, it is not the BFP I have hoped to see over the years, but it is still exciting! So in January I will be taking classes and working towards becoming a math and science teacher to 4th-8th graders! I am excited about this, and it gives my life a concrete goal/plan. 

Since dealing with infertility, the future is so unclear. Will I be pregnant next year? Will we have a baby next year? The year after? Ever?

I have accepted the fact that I need to have goals and a plan and some of it needs to be within my control. So taking classes and working towards another career is just the ticket! New hope, new possibilities. I have always wanted to become a teacher and especially once we have children. I was a substitute teacher briefly and really enjoyed it!  Also, it will be nice to have a career where I will have the same schedule as our child(ren).

It feels good to have a decision about something. Something concrete. I needed this! I feel like I can be more patient with fertility treatments now that I have something else major I am working towards.  Does anyone else feel like this? Like they need to work towards something they actually have control over while dealing with infertility? If anything, just to maintain sanity?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Patience Really is a Virtue

One week until the RE consultation. News Flash: I am not a patient person. I am working on this, but my IF journey has really been a test of patience...and belief. Two things I struggle with. I am trying to keep busy, but once I decide on a plan I want to dive into it 100%.

So much about IF requires waiting.

Waiting to ditch the BCPs until the time is right to try to have children.
Waiting to ovulate.
Waiting during the 2WW.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting on test results.
Waiting to try again.
Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have applied to begin a masters in teaching degree which I would plan on taking part-time, after work. I had a phone interview last week (which I feel went very well). The program coordinator said that candidates would find out their admissions decision within a week or so. I have been obsessively hitting the refresh button on the application status website in which the same statement is shown in red: No Decision at this Time

I see it over and over again. These words pretty much sum up my life right now. Ugh. I am so sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long. I need answers. I need something absolute. I need to know something definitive so that I can move forward...with something...anything! I feel stagnant and I hate that feeling. 

I feel very whiney and I don't think I am normally this whiney. But I am going to be honest on this blog and this is where I am today. Whiney and impatient. 

I am also excited and nervous about the consult. I wonder if this RE will have the same plan as the last one (unmedicated IUI). Maybe she will want to re-do all the testing again since they were done a year and a half ago. Maybe she will want to re-do some of the tests. I am hoping another HSG is not going to be ordered. That was not fun. At all.

Above all, I am ready to have a fertility treatment plan. I am ready for concrete steps that my type-A personality can take. I am ready to move forward. Trying on our own and getting BFNs repeatedly feels like we have been banging our heads against the wall. Obviously it is time to move on. I have accepted this. Now I am ready for the next step. Bring it on!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Where To Start?

About Me:

I am 26 years old, have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have been TTC for 3 years. My TTC journey has an added challenge because I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) when I was 24 years old. If you know anything about CF, you know that it is rare to be diagnosed as an adult. I suffer from a "mild" case and if you would like to learn more about it please email me ( and I would be happy to share some info with you. Here is a QUICK summary (CF mostly bothers me w/a persistent cough, and I have to do daily treatments to clear my airways of the thick mucus that can clog them. I have not been "really sick" or hospitalized, or anything like that). 

I have another blog that I share with family that talks about my CF journey and touches on our IF struggles. However, I wanted to start a separate TTC blog because as many of you have probably experienced, as much as I open up to family and friends, and express my feelings in the most articulate way possible, they just.don' Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the support I have received from them, but I need a group of people who get it. A place where I can be 100% honest because someone else has probably felt the same way. A place where I can talk about BBTs, SA numbers, Luteal Phases, etc. without explaining what they mean. A place where I can be me. 

About Us:

My husband is my best friend, as cliche as that sounds. We met in high school but did not seriously date until college. We have been together for over 7 years, have lived together for 5, and have been married for 3 1/2. We have our struggles like any other couple, but our relationship is my sanity and constant amongst the crazy and turbulent life that has been ours for the past couple of years. We tend to protect each other and "take turns" being stressed or sad, where one person is the rock and the positive one and the other is allowed to be a "mess". Sometimes this works for us, but at other times I wish we would be sad together, or at least be on the same page emotionally. We are working on this...He works for an IT company for Health Care, and I work at a college. Neither of us LOVE our jobs, but they will do for now. I was a counselor for a couple of years, but needed to step back from other people's emotional difficulties while I tried to sort through my own, with being diagnosed with CF and with our IF struggles. I am about to start (slowly) working on a degree in teaching while I am working FT. 

Our TTC Journey:

January 2007: Ditched the BCPs
May 2007: Happiest Day of My Life (Got Married)
August 2007: Started TTC (naive me was planning to time things so that our baby would be born right after graduating from my masters program..ha!)
August 2008: After an emotional year of constant BFNs, Ob/Gyn fertility work up (SA results good) Started Clomid, 50mg BFN
September 2008: Clomid 50mg, Round 2, BFN
October 2008: Diagnosed with CF, stopped taking Clomid... had to figure out what this diagnosis meant for us.
November: 2009: DH tests negative for CF carrier test, what a relief! Means that our children have .001% chance of having CF. 
February 2009: Consult with RE #1; plan: unmedicated IUI
March 2009: HSG, results (RE says all clear, but ob/gyn says one tube is blocked...?)
April 2009: b/t working full time, IF and CF testing and Drs appointments I was OVERWHELMED. Felt stuck. Too scared and overwhelmed to move forward.
May 2009-July 2010: Halted all ART plans. We needed time to process the CF diagnosis. Not "trying" but not preventing a pregnancy. Just relaxing about TTC = more BFNs
August 2010: Feeling "solid" about CF and life in general.  Ready to move forward with TTC assistance.
August 2010-present: Charts look good, but all BFNs
October 2010: Ob/gyn says all looks good, just thick cervical mucus (caused by CF), recommends an RE and is very hopeful for us.
November 15th 2010 (Upcoming): Consult with RE #2

I am nervous and excited to move forward. With what I can piece together from the collective testing from the past couple of years is that our issue might just be cervical mucus, which is the case with many CF women, and so we are hopeful that IUI will be our answer. But I am also guarded because with more hope comes more disappointment if it does not work out. 

We are ready to have a family. We feel like we have this abundant amount of love to share with a child. We daydream all the time about our baby and having a family, and all of the fun things we will do together. We are also realistic about it, and are ready for the challenge of a newborn. We are ready for it all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that it will happen for us, even though at times I am so scared that it won't. But I can't let myself go there. For 1) It is too early in the process and 2) It is too sad to think about. 

I hope that I can gain (and give) support through this blog because I need it. I have learned how important it is to not feel alone, and to open up honestly to others. I used to think I could handle everything on my own, but now I know it is ok to reach out. So this is me reaching out. Welcome to my blog!