Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It Shouldn't Matter...But it Does.

Other people's pregnancy announcements. I am so conflicted with how I feel on this. Part of the time I think I am crazy for letting it bother me at all. Because what does someone else's life choices/luck have to do with my life's path? But the other part of me can't help but feel sorry for myself.

About a month ago my husband's cousin (whom we are very close to) announced that she was pregnant. Just weeks before she informed me that she wasn't even sure she wanted children but since her husband was going to be getting deployed she wanted to try (turns out he is not getting deployed). She had been married for 2 months. She had been TTC for 2 months.

Yesterday I found out that my cousin is pregnant with #2. She had #1 months after meeting her boyfriend online. She just got married 2 months ago in which she said at the wedding that they would be trying for #2 on the honeymoon. I guess it worked.

When I hear these things I feel self pity and anger. When does doing things the "right" way pay off? Does it ever? Where is our reward for all of the hard work we put into going to college and graduate school? Where is our reward for actually waiting to start trying until after we got married? We have done everything "right" and we are both in jobs we don't particularly enjoy without the one thing we have dreamed of for so long.

In my extended family the majority of babies were conceived "on accident". Most were to unmarried couples. I don't get it. Where is the justice? I know that life isn't fair, but I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach and I am sick of fighting back right now. I know that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, how good the relationship is, or what your education level is, but the part of me that wants to believe that as long as you work hard life can be what you want it to be won't let go.

I will be around DH's cousin all weekend for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can manage to not let it get me down and enjoy the holiday because I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it is hard to see those things sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. I can relate SO much to what you said in this post. I too have often thought where is our reward for doing everything the right & responsible way, just like you we waited until we were married for a while to start TTC, I finished grad school, we waited until we were a stable couple ready to take on the challenges of parenthood and then we were met with infertility and a very difficult journey. I've learned the hard way that there are absolutely no guarantees this past year and life is sometimes painfully unfair. Wishing you and your husband strength and hope as you continue on your journey to become parents.
    Happy ICLW!