Friday, March 25, 2011

Opening Up About IF After IF

We have slowly started sharing our pregnancy news with our friends. (No FB announcements, and work doesn't know yet). We both play tennis out of the neighborhood I grew up in and are very close with our teammates (most are my parents age). I told my ladies team the news last week. They were so happy for us, and those that are close to us know we had been trying for a long time. I didn't mind it when a few of them asked me if the triplets happened naturally. I am open to sharing that we had some help. I am not ashamed of it. I almost feel like it is pretty obvious since we have no multiples in our families, it took us so long to conceive, and hello...triplets (although I know spontaneous trips can and do occur).

Anyway, what really bothers me is when someone I am not close to (or hardly know in the example I am about to give) asks me if this pregnancy was "natural". I walked down to the courts to watch my husband's match last weekend, and word travels fast in that neighborhood, so as I walked up to a group of people they were all congratulating me. One woman, whom I have only had small talk with, congratulated me and the next thing out of her mouth was "did this happen naturally?" She asked in front of a bunch of people like it was no big deal. I was caught off guard. I think that is such an inappropriate question to ask someone you are not close with. It is none of her business how we conceived our babies. I would NEVER ask someone that question, even being knowledgeable about IF and having gone through fertility treatments, if I didn't know them very well. 

I wasn't sure what to say, and I didn't want to be rude so I just gave a vague answer and said "we had a little help" and left it at that. 

I know that people are curious about multiples, but asking someone if they went through fertility treatments is asking them to be vulnerable in front of you, and when you don't know them that well, it is just awkward and inappropriate. I think I better get used to it, because I am sure I will continue to be asked this question, even by strangers after the babies are born. People are nosey...and those that haven't been through IF really don't get what a loaded question they are asking and what going through IF means to someone. 

They have no idea what it took to get where we are now. Now, one of my teammates that has twins via IVF asked me and I was gladly open with her about the details. I know she gets it. But when asked by someone you hardly know...or even a stranger!? I can't think of a better word than inappropriate. 


  1. Ugh, I'm sorry you're going to have to face that question over and over.

    It's kind of how before I had issues TTC, I never gave a second thought to asking "when are you going to have kids?" (like you can actually time that shit. HA!)

    Now I would NEVER ask that, and I constantly am trying to educate my friends and family about what a personal and intrusive question that really is. I mean, c'mon, either they aren't interested yet or they're trying and it isn't happening. Why do you deserve an answer either way about that life changing decision/struggle?!

    Phew, rant over. Sorry.

    Thanks for the reminder that asking if multiples are "natural" is not appropriate either if you're not close...and maybe not even then. ;)

  2. Wow, totally inappropriate! I think you're probably going to have to come up with some sort of clever answer, because you're going to get asked that a lot. I don't know what to say, though.