Friday, February 4, 2011

4w4d- Uncharted Waters

What a roller coaster this past week has been. I kind of suspected that the emotional roller coaster that IF is does not end upon getting a BFP.

I will first admit that there has been entirely too much googling for my sanity. I have been googling EVERYTHING. I have been getting AF type of cramps ever since Monday that come and go, but sometimes last all day. They really worried me at first, but I am reading more and more that they are normal as the uterus begins to stretch, as long as there is not bleeding. Thankfully for me there has not been any spotting/bleeding so I am really working on not letting those cramps freak me out. I just had no idea that one would experience AF like cramps while pregnant...weird.

I did not think I would have symptoms so fast. I have been very bloated since a couple of days before my BFP. I have also had some dull lower back pains, little waves of nausea, and sore bbs. As uncomfortable as these things are I love symptoms (minus the cramping because it scares me) because it makes me believe that things are happening in there.

Emotionally, I am a mess but getting a little better. There is still that "prepare for the worst" part of me that won't completely let go. But, I have been able to let myself relax a little more and realize that it is out of my hands. Also talking with a couple of fertile family members about my concerns has actually helped. Although they don't completely understand my fears they have been listening and have been reminding me that at this point I am just another pregnant woman.

I can't say enough how much I have appreciated the supportive comments from you all. Sometimes I feel it is unfair to be asking for support after getting a BFP. I hope I have not offended anyone by not being 100% elated, excited, and happy. I hope that you all understand. Life after BFP in some ways has been more scary for me than life before BFP. It just feels like there is even more on the line and more to lose. I am so lucky to be where I am and I am trying very, very hard to feel that and to enjoy that. I knew I would be somewhat guarded if/when I ever got my BFP, but I did not think I would have this much fear. This is uncharted waters for me. I am still feeling things out and figuring out how to manage the fear and the anxiety. In the meantime, I sincerely want to thank each of you for being there.

P.S. I was thrilled to find out that I was nominated for a couple of blogging awards :) This weekend I am going to post about them and re-award. 


  1. I totally know where you are right now. I haven't shared with anyone here in the blogging world yet, because I have family that read my blog, but I got a very faint BFP on Monday. My Beta Monday was 72.52 and yesterday it was 163.72. I miscarried 6 weeks ago and still didn't have AF show, well surprise! Anyway, I know how you feel when you say that you are still prepared for the worst. So am I, and you have every right to be cautious because TTCing isn't for whimps! It is kinda like when you don't want to get your hopes up for a BFP because if it isn't you will feel devestated. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Congrats!!!! And try to find a little joy with this BFP". I am doing that because in December I didn't enjoy one moment of knowing I was expecting. But this time around I am.

    I will be praying for very Healthy and happy pregnancy for you! Sending lots of sticky dust your way!

  2. This is an interesting post because those thoughts have crossed my mind....I do wonder what it will feel like someday to get a BFP and then it scares the shit out of me because getting a positive pregnancy test is definitely not the end of the road for an infertile woman. Fears lurk in the backgrounds of our minds. Don't feel bad about your feelings right now - no one ever said pregnancy meant everything has to be like sunshine and rainbows. One day at a time....thinking of you!