I see a therapist and I am not afraid to admit it (I don't really understand the stigma, but that is a whole other post). Last night I had a session and I was telling my therapist about all of my fears with this pregnancy. After validating my feelings, of course, she called me out and told me I was being selfish. Now if anyone else I know called me selfish regarding this pregnancy I would have been so upset and angry with them. But when she said it I stopped sobbing and it kind of jolted me.
She continued...I am being selfish because it is possible that I am letting my fears harm my unborn child(ren). She said that by having all of these negative thoughts/images I am causing stress to my body, not breathing enough, etc. She reminded me that being a parent means protecting your children from you fears and having an "its all going to be ok" attitude. If I let my fears get the best of me, how will that translate into my parenting?
She just really made me think about things in a different perspective and that is what I needed. I am so worried about how I will feel if this pregnancy is taken away from me, when in doing so I *could* be indirectly contributing harm to it. Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I guess it doesn't matter. But to me, this is what I needed to be brave. I might not be able to do it for myself, but I am able to be courageous for my baby.
I am glad to be learning this lesson now because of course there will be more fears that come my way. Won't we always worry about our children? I think the trick is to be afraid enough to take responsible care for them, but not afraid enough to where your own fears are harming your children by controlling them or making them feel anxious.
I feel like some weight has been lifted and I am going to try to keep working on this.