We had our 2nd ultrasound this morning and we saw and heard our three little darlings' heartbeats. That's right, Baby A must just be a slow developer, but there it was--a tiny little heart just flickering away.
I am trying to process how I feel because I am overwhelmed right now. Last week, when we could only hear/see 2 out of the 3 heartbeats, it kind of seemed like triplets were still hypothetical and above all, we were elated to know that we created one if not more babies. But, today confirmed that this is real and I am so afraid of what that means. I am afraid for the health of all three babies and for my own health--having CF, which is a disease that requires lots of daily treatments and exercise in order to stay healthy.
I am afraid that all three will not develop fully and get to lead a normal life and/or that I will not be able to take care of myself enough to stay healthy for them. I don't know if my fears are warranted. I still haven't spoken to my RE (crazy) but the ultrasound tech said she would leave a note in my file to have my doc call me and she said I could schedule an appointment with her after speaking to her on the phone if I wanted to. There are just so many questions I have. 1) What are the risks to the babies and 2) myself?
Whatever happens I am hoping to have continued support from the blogging world. I may explore some controversial waters and I am scared about that. I am afraid of how or if I can handle it and/or how others will judge me. But ultimately, I have to do what is best for me and the babies.
I am trying to continue to be happy and excited for the life that is growing inside of me, because I AM! But I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my family and what is best for the whole unit. The decision is not easy, and at the risk of already sounding defensive, you truly don't know how you will feel until you are in the situation.
I know I am so lucky right now and I know others would kill to be in my position. I know this and I feel this. But I just don't think it would be smart not to consider everything right now. I am afraid that some of you reading will be appalled that there is even a choice to be considered, and that is ok--we all have our own opinions. I just hope that this blog continues to be my safe space for expressing how I feel and for having support.