The news is spreading like wild fire. DH and I both have large, close extended families. This news has leaked and pretty much all extended family knows. 2 extended family members posted something to our FB walls and I deleted the messages immediately and wrote them each private messages thanking them for their congrats, but that we are not ready to go "public" yet. They both completely understood.
When I take a step back and really see what's happening I feel overwhelmed in a good way. We had so many people pulling for us because we have been sharing about our journey for awhile now. They are all so excited that they want to share the news. But, I am scared because it is so early. Each time someone expresses their excitement instead of enjoying it with them my reaction is to want to tell them that it is early so we aren't sure what is going to happen. That should not be my initial reaction!
There is no way to ever know how I would have felt if I got a BFP when we first starting TTC over 3 years ago, but I am fairly certain I would not be this worried about something going wrong. So I am trying to get in that mentality. If I got a BFP and was a fertile would I be excited: Absolutely! I think I would be naive to the things that could go wrong. I am trying to hard to be ignorant and just relish in it, but I am really, really struggling.
Part of me wants to protect myself, but in all honesty, if something horrible happens it will be devastating whether I protect myself or not. And hopefully all these people who are so excited would be there to support us. Living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop is not what I want to do. I am fighting so hard to not feel like this.
I have been having some menstrual-like cramps on and off for a couple of days and this has triggered fear and worry. Even though I know it can be normal (so long as it is not paired with bleeding, which it is not) I am scared. I wish I could just enjoy this, but instead I am waiting to hear the bad news. I am so upset with myself for feeling this way.
Be easy on yourself. I think it is good to look at all aspects of what is happening and what could happen. It is good to be aware of all the possiblities. But at the same time, you deserve to be happy in this moment, so try not to think too much about the "what ifs" and deal with this day by day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteWhat ifs really are the bane of our existence. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm excited for you but totally understand your fears. I'm afriad I won't be able to breath the 1st 13 weeks once I'm pregnant let alone be excited.
ReplyDeleteSometimes facebook can be too public. Good catch on deleting those comments since you are not ready to officially be out there with your good news yet. Keep it safe as long as you feel you need to...and then CELEBRATE the heck out of this with the world when you are good and ready! :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats! And I know exactly how you feel--I haven't told my family yet about our BFP because I don't want them to be disappointed, but some of my IF friends know and have posted things on FB that are making the family suspicious. I want to share our great news but haven't even had my second beta yet! It's hard because it's extra exciting after so much time (we've been TTC for 4 yrs!), but all that disappointment makes us extra cautious too. Not sure what the answer is but good luck in navigating it and I'll be looking for tips from how you handle it :)
ReplyDeleteenjoy your pregnancy. i know it's hard to let go and believe. i still alternate between fear, joy, and disbelief. but let yourself feel joy as much as you can. You are in a joyful moment now, no matter what other moments come. I gave you an award!
ReplyDeleteAs IFers, it is so hard to let go and believe that it's really happening. I just couldn't share with people until 12 weeks, given our miscarriage history. But, you not only have people to celebrate your news with you, but also have people who will support you if something happens. Your chances are so good, though... try to relax and know that you are doing everything in your control to take care of your little one... the rest is completely out of our control. Make sure to take some time with your DH to celebrate as a two-some!
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