Changes

My body is changing so rapidly I can't keep up with it. Last night was a real eye opener for me. During almost the whole first trimester I wasn't too keen on any physical intimacy with DH. I felt sick and tired most of the time. Well, since about 12 weeks when things started to improve, intimacy was green lighted once again! Last night was horrible and I just wanted to share...maybe TMI, but I will be tasteful. 

DH and I were BD (can we still call it that even though we already made the babies?) and we had to keep stopping and taking breaks because I was getting dizzy and out of breath. It was really annoying and I did not want to stop, but I also did not want to pass out. It also felt like there was something between us (because there was! a belly with three babies in it). That was weird. We had to be creative with positioning and we worked something out that was mutually beneficial. 

Immediately after I started crying (hormonal much?). I feel like my body is not mine anymore and I am completely ok with that 99% of the time. But if I am being honest, there are times when things start to get uncomfortable that it becomes frustrating. It also made me fear what is ahead a little. I am going to get HUGE and I am not going to be able to do most things. With a higher order multiple pregnancy some/most doctors do not want you having intercourse past 20 weeks because it can cause contractions. But really, this whole breakdown wasn't about the sex itself...it is more about some of my fear with what is to come and the limitations that are going to be placed on my body. Last night I had trouble making it through some very easy, gentle intimacy. Breaks!? It just felt so weird. It made me afraid of all the little things that are going to make me feel out of breath/dizzy or that I won't even be able to do for myself. Thinking about how uncomfortable I will get that I won't be able to sleep. Yikes. 

I try to live in the moment and enjoy things one day at a time and I really do a good job of that! But last night was quite the wake up call of how much is changing and will continue to change. The sacrifices are WELL worth it, but it is a strange thing to not really have control of your body anymore. I keep telling myself that I can do it. I guess I should try not to catastrophize and just chalk it up to a bad day...

I hope no one is offended by this post. I truly feel like I can be 100% honest here because of how supportive you all are, and also because of the anonymity. I thought maybe others can relate and if not I could just have an outlet.