-About the only things I can eat these days consists of white carbs and cheese, and sometimes fruit.
-Things I find repulsive: Meat, seafood, most vegetables, most salad dressings, sweets (weird), and just about everything else other what I listed above.
-I am obsessed with lemonade right now. I even prefer it over water.
-Tiredness is starting to kick in
-I have only thrown up once
-To say I am distracted at work is an understatement
-I am still enjoying my teacher education courses, but my motivation is tapering off--when would I even finish this degree!?
-I keep wondering "why me" but NOT in a bad way.
-There are moments of overwhelm about triplets for sure, but then I say one day at a time, and all that matters is that they keep growing and are healthy--the rest will all work out...right!? RIGHT!?!?!
-The idea of long-term bed rest makes me feel a little anxious, but again, whatever is best for these babies
-The support from our families has been overwhelming! I shouldn't be surprised though, they always pull through, and we are so grateful for that.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Better Day
I want to first thank you all for your amazingly supportive comments. I was scared in sharing my doubts/fears especially to some readers who would give anything to be pregnant. You all have been so consistent in your support and that means SO MUCH to me. I am doing a lot better today. I really think that yesterday was just overwhelming and I didn't have enough information or a plan to feel secure in (and I have been feeling quite emotional these days). Here are some updates since yesterday's post:
-Talked to my RE--what she shared with me: I have a 5% risk of miscarrying each baby individually, and rarely (if never) someone can loose all 3...she has only seen this once and it was with a woman over 40. It is still possible that triplets can naturally reduce to twins, and then even a singleton but the chances of that happening are very small. She also told me that triplets are usually born 2 months early (yikes--that is scary).
-I have one more ultrasound at the RE clinic next Thursday. It is bittersweet to move on. They helped us achieve our dreams (and then some).
-I have an appointment with a high risk ob/gyn for 3/15 (at 10 weeks). I am very happy about this. I want someone who has seen it all-- every odd, weird, risky situation.
-Having a plan is making me feel better
-My CF doc doesn't think that a triplet pregnancy will affect me much different than a singleton would except that with a bigger belly it will put more pressure on my lungs which might make breathing more difficult--gee, that's doesn't sound scary at all! But she didn't seem to have serious concerns which was both surprising and relieving.
-I am beginning to imagine life with triplets...some thoughts have been scary and some have been fun and endearing.
-Last weekend we went to Babies R Us to get Preggie Pops and took a look around. It was pretty crazy to imagine that we will need 3 of everything. And you have to special order a triple stroller btw. But you also get 10% off anything over $50 if you have multiples. So I learned some things while I was there. Also, btw Preggie Pops don't really work that well (at least not for me).
-I feel good both physically and emotionally today. I know I have said before that feeling good scares me, but I am learning to take the good days when I get them and enjoy them.
-Talked to my RE--what she shared with me: I have a 5% risk of miscarrying each baby individually, and rarely (if never) someone can loose all 3...she has only seen this once and it was with a woman over 40. It is still possible that triplets can naturally reduce to twins, and then even a singleton but the chances of that happening are very small. She also told me that triplets are usually born 2 months early (yikes--that is scary).
-I have one more ultrasound at the RE clinic next Thursday. It is bittersweet to move on. They helped us achieve our dreams (and then some).
-I have an appointment with a high risk ob/gyn for 3/15 (at 10 weeks). I am very happy about this. I want someone who has seen it all-- every odd, weird, risky situation.
-Having a plan is making me feel better
-My CF doc doesn't think that a triplet pregnancy will affect me much different than a singleton would except that with a bigger belly it will put more pressure on my lungs which might make breathing more difficult--gee, that's doesn't sound scary at all! But she didn't seem to have serious concerns which was both surprising and relieving.
-I am beginning to imagine life with triplets...some thoughts have been scary and some have been fun and endearing.
-Last weekend we went to Babies R Us to get Preggie Pops and took a look around. It was pretty crazy to imagine that we will need 3 of everything. And you have to special order a triple stroller btw. But you also get 10% off anything over $50 if you have multiples. So I learned some things while I was there. Also, btw Preggie Pops don't really work that well (at least not for me).
-I feel good both physically and emotionally today. I know I have said before that feeling good scares me, but I am learning to take the good days when I get them and enjoy them.
Monday, February 21, 2011
6w6d Taking a Risk in Sharing the Truth
We had our 2nd ultrasound this morning and we saw and heard our three little darlings' heartbeats. That's right, Baby A must just be a slow developer, but there it was--a tiny little heart just flickering away.
I am trying to process how I feel because I am overwhelmed right now. Last week, when we could only hear/see 2 out of the 3 heartbeats, it kind of seemed like triplets were still hypothetical and above all, we were elated to know that we created one if not more babies. But, today confirmed that this is real and I am so afraid of what that means. I am afraid for the health of all three babies and for my own health--having CF, which is a disease that requires lots of daily treatments and exercise in order to stay healthy.
I am afraid that all three will not develop fully and get to lead a normal life and/or that I will not be able to take care of myself enough to stay healthy for them. I don't know if my fears are warranted. I still haven't spoken to my RE (crazy) but the ultrasound tech said she would leave a note in my file to have my doc call me and she said I could schedule an appointment with her after speaking to her on the phone if I wanted to. There are just so many questions I have. 1) What are the risks to the babies and 2) myself?
Whatever happens I am hoping to have continued support from the blogging world. I may explore some controversial waters and I am scared about that. I am afraid of how or if I can handle it and/or how others will judge me. But ultimately, I have to do what is best for me and the babies.
I am trying to continue to be happy and excited for the life that is growing inside of me, because I AM! But I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my family and what is best for the whole unit. The decision is not easy, and at the risk of already sounding defensive, you truly don't know how you will feel until you are in the situation.
I know I am so lucky right now and I know others would kill to be in my position. I know this and I feel this. But I just don't think it would be smart not to consider everything right now. I am afraid that some of you reading will be appalled that there is even a choice to be considered, and that is ok--we all have our own opinions. I just hope that this blog continues to be my safe space for expressing how I feel and for having support.
I am trying to process how I feel because I am overwhelmed right now. Last week, when we could only hear/see 2 out of the 3 heartbeats, it kind of seemed like triplets were still hypothetical and above all, we were elated to know that we created one if not more babies. But, today confirmed that this is real and I am so afraid of what that means. I am afraid for the health of all three babies and for my own health--having CF, which is a disease that requires lots of daily treatments and exercise in order to stay healthy.
I am afraid that all three will not develop fully and get to lead a normal life and/or that I will not be able to take care of myself enough to stay healthy for them. I don't know if my fears are warranted. I still haven't spoken to my RE (crazy) but the ultrasound tech said she would leave a note in my file to have my doc call me and she said I could schedule an appointment with her after speaking to her on the phone if I wanted to. There are just so many questions I have. 1) What are the risks to the babies and 2) myself?
Whatever happens I am hoping to have continued support from the blogging world. I may explore some controversial waters and I am scared about that. I am afraid of how or if I can handle it and/or how others will judge me. But ultimately, I have to do what is best for me and the babies.
I am trying to continue to be happy and excited for the life that is growing inside of me, because I AM! But I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my family and what is best for the whole unit. The decision is not easy, and at the risk of already sounding defensive, you truly don't know how you will feel until you are in the situation.
I know I am so lucky right now and I know others would kill to be in my position. I know this and I feel this. But I just don't think it would be smart not to consider everything right now. I am afraid that some of you reading will be appalled that there is even a choice to be considered, and that is ok--we all have our own opinions. I just hope that this blog continues to be my safe space for expressing how I feel and for having support.
Friday, February 18, 2011
6w3d
I am feeling good today and I am trying not to let that scare me. I have read out there on message boards, forms, etc. to be thankful for the days when you don't feel crappy and not to worry because symptoms come and go. My weight has been fluctuating. A few days ago I was -2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Today I am +1. I am showing something. I don't know if it is the babies though and is probably all bloat but my stomach definitely has some shape to it. I know it is extremely early to show, but I also know there are 3 babies in there so who knows.
Some days the morning sickness is awful--like I-have-a-hard-time-functioning bad, but I am still not throwing up, thankfully. These are not complaints! There is a very strong correlation for me between feeling crappy and feeling secure with this pregnancy. The worse I feel physically the better I feel mentally, if that makes any sense. I can endure physical pain easier than I can endure fear and anxiety.
I am excited and nervous about Monday. I hope to see that Baby B & Baby C have continued growing, and that Baby A has a heartbeat. I have SO many questions for my RE and I am a little concerned that we have not seen her since our BFP. We saw a nurse/ultrasound tech for our first u/s and will see that same person for our 2nd one on Monday. I think while I am there I am going to see if we can schedule an appointment with our actual doctor. The only time we have seen her has been for the initial consults and game plan. She didn't even do the actual IUI! Weird...but I am trying to roll with the punches.
Some days the morning sickness is awful--like I-have-a-hard-time-functioning bad, but I am still not throwing up, thankfully. These are not complaints! There is a very strong correlation for me between feeling crappy and feeling secure with this pregnancy. The worse I feel physically the better I feel mentally, if that makes any sense. I can endure physical pain easier than I can endure fear and anxiety.
I am excited and nervous about Monday. I hope to see that Baby B & Baby C have continued growing, and that Baby A has a heartbeat. I have SO many questions for my RE and I am a little concerned that we have not seen her since our BFP. We saw a nurse/ultrasound tech for our first u/s and will see that same person for our 2nd one on Monday. I think while I am there I am going to see if we can schedule an appointment with our actual doctor. The only time we have seen her has been for the initial consults and game plan. She didn't even do the actual IUI! Weird...but I am trying to roll with the punches.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
One Day At A Time
It is 24 hours later and I am beginning to process this news and get past the shock (somewhat). I still can't believe that I have 3 babies growing inside of me right now. It is pretty mind-blowing to say the least.
Pregnancy in general is unpredictable, and I think adding multiples to that just multiplies the unpredictability. I have NO idea what the future holds for this pregnancy, and oddly, today at least, I am very much ok with that. I think I need to take things one day at a time. This situation has the potential to bring up so many what-ifs, but I do not feel like letting those in right now. I want to celebrate this pregnancy for what it is--that right now there is life growing inside of me and that is all that matters.
Right now I have a job to do and that is to take care of myself and my body. So that is what I will focus on.
Symptoms: My morning sickness has been weird. When I do have it, it lasts all day long and it is bad--not to the point of vomiting, but I basically feel like I am rocking back and forth on a boat all day long. The cramping I was having earlier on has subsided and now I just feel twinges and pinching. I have been bloated and with sore breasts since day 1 and that remains. Sometimes I am starving and will eat anything, but other times nothing sounds good and I can't get myself to eat. I am starting to get tired throughout the day, but I have a hard time staying asleep at night. I usually wake up 2-4 times and have a hard time falling back asleep.
Thank you for all the notes of congratulations. I am sure this is going to be a bumpy ride and I appreciate all that continue to follow my now crazy journey--not that any of our journeys are smooth and predictable!
Next Ultrasound: Monday, Feb 21st.
Pregnancy in general is unpredictable, and I think adding multiples to that just multiplies the unpredictability. I have NO idea what the future holds for this pregnancy, and oddly, today at least, I am very much ok with that. I think I need to take things one day at a time. This situation has the potential to bring up so many what-ifs, but I do not feel like letting those in right now. I want to celebrate this pregnancy for what it is--that right now there is life growing inside of me and that is all that matters.
Right now I have a job to do and that is to take care of myself and my body. So that is what I will focus on.
Symptoms: My morning sickness has been weird. When I do have it, it lasts all day long and it is bad--not to the point of vomiting, but I basically feel like I am rocking back and forth on a boat all day long. The cramping I was having earlier on has subsided and now I just feel twinges and pinching. I have been bloated and with sore breasts since day 1 and that remains. Sometimes I am starving and will eat anything, but other times nothing sounds good and I can't get myself to eat. I am starting to get tired throughout the day, but I have a hard time staying asleep at night. I usually wake up 2-4 times and have a hard time falling back asleep.
Thank you for all the notes of congratulations. I am sure this is going to be a bumpy ride and I appreciate all that continue to follow my now crazy journey--not that any of our journeys are smooth and predictable!
Next Ultrasound: Monday, Feb 21st.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Biggest Valentine's Day Shocker EVER!
I can't tell if this is real life or a dream. I know I have said that before, but this time I truly feel like I am living life outside of my own. We had our first ultrasound today...there were 3 sacs. No, that was not a typo--THREE sacs! I will post pics later. I am literally in SHOCK and cannot explain how I am feeling beyond that so I will report the details:
I am 5 weeks and 6 days today. We were able to see AND HEAR (I did not know that you can hear heartbeats that early) the heartbeats of two of them (Baby B and Baby C). Baby A measured at 5w6d, but we could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The nurse said that it was still viable even though we could not pick up a heartbeat because the yolk and sac were there and it is still early. Baby B measured at 6W0D and had a heartbeat of 92bpm. Baby C measured at 6W1D and had a heartbeat of 107bpm.
I can't believe I just typed Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C. I feel like throwing up--but that is probably just morning sickness.
I am elated that we at least have a viable pregnancy, but beyond that I don't feel much at all--it is too overwhelming. The main thing I feel is that we crossed another hurdle and for that I am going to be excited and grateful.
The first words out of the nurse's mouth during the ultrasound were "this is interesting". I got angry (because I was scared) and said "what do you mean interesting!?!?" and then she told us she was seeing 3 sacs. I couldn't see the screen. But my husband could and I watched as his eyes became the biggest I have ever seen them.
When I heard Baby B's heartbeat I said "that's not mine!?" and when she said no I started crying and so did my DH. We just couldn't believe it.
The nurse told us to be cautiously optimistic right now about all of them since it is a high risk situation. She told us she could not believe triplets came from an IUI. She said that never happens. When we went into it there was a 3% chance of triplets and a 20-30% chance of twins with the medication protocol that we chose. 3%!!!!
I guess all that cramping I had a couple of weeks ago really was my uterus starting to stretch out. Maybe that painful cramping around implantation was painful because of all of the implanting that was going on.
I just don't know what to make of this. I do know that this is certainly a Valentine's Day I will never forget, no matter what the outcome.
I am 5 weeks and 6 days today. We were able to see AND HEAR (I did not know that you can hear heartbeats that early) the heartbeats of two of them (Baby B and Baby C). Baby A measured at 5w6d, but we could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The nurse said that it was still viable even though we could not pick up a heartbeat because the yolk and sac were there and it is still early. Baby B measured at 6W0D and had a heartbeat of 92bpm. Baby C measured at 6W1D and had a heartbeat of 107bpm.
I can't believe I just typed Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C. I feel like throwing up--but that is probably just morning sickness.
I am elated that we at least have a viable pregnancy, but beyond that I don't feel much at all--it is too overwhelming. The main thing I feel is that we crossed another hurdle and for that I am going to be excited and grateful.
The first words out of the nurse's mouth during the ultrasound were "this is interesting". I got angry (because I was scared) and said "what do you mean interesting!?!?" and then she told us she was seeing 3 sacs. I couldn't see the screen. But my husband could and I watched as his eyes became the biggest I have ever seen them.
When I heard Baby B's heartbeat I said "that's not mine!?" and when she said no I started crying and so did my DH. We just couldn't believe it.
The nurse told us to be cautiously optimistic right now about all of them since it is a high risk situation. She told us she could not believe triplets came from an IUI. She said that never happens. When we went into it there was a 3% chance of triplets and a 20-30% chance of twins with the medication protocol that we chose. 3%!!!!
I guess all that cramping I had a couple of weeks ago really was my uterus starting to stretch out. Maybe that painful cramping around implantation was painful because of all of the implanting that was going on.
I just don't know what to make of this. I do know that this is certainly a Valentine's Day I will never forget, no matter what the outcome.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
She Called Me Selfish...And it Was Just What I Needed
I see a therapist and I am not afraid to admit it (I don't really understand the stigma, but that is a whole other post). Last night I had a session and I was telling my therapist about all of my fears with this pregnancy. After validating my feelings, of course, she called me out and told me I was being selfish. Now if anyone else I know called me selfish regarding this pregnancy I would have been so upset and angry with them. But when she said it I stopped sobbing and it kind of jolted me.
She continued...I am being selfish because it is possible that I am letting my fears harm my unborn child(ren). She said that by having all of these negative thoughts/images I am causing stress to my body, not breathing enough, etc. She reminded me that being a parent means protecting your children from you fears and having an "its all going to be ok" attitude. If I let my fears get the best of me, how will that translate into my parenting?
She just really made me think about things in a different perspective and that is what I needed. I am so worried about how I will feel if this pregnancy is taken away from me, when in doing so I *could* be indirectly contributing harm to it. Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I guess it doesn't matter. But to me, this is what I needed to be brave. I might not be able to do it for myself, but I am able to be courageous for my baby.
I am glad to be learning this lesson now because of course there will be more fears that come my way. Won't we always worry about our children? I think the trick is to be afraid enough to take responsible care for them, but not afraid enough to where your own fears are harming your children by controlling them or making them feel anxious.
I feel like some weight has been lifted and I am going to try to keep working on this.
She continued...I am being selfish because it is possible that I am letting my fears harm my unborn child(ren). She said that by having all of these negative thoughts/images I am causing stress to my body, not breathing enough, etc. She reminded me that being a parent means protecting your children from you fears and having an "its all going to be ok" attitude. If I let my fears get the best of me, how will that translate into my parenting?
She just really made me think about things in a different perspective and that is what I needed. I am so worried about how I will feel if this pregnancy is taken away from me, when in doing so I *could* be indirectly contributing harm to it. Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I guess it doesn't matter. But to me, this is what I needed to be brave. I might not be able to do it for myself, but I am able to be courageous for my baby.
I am glad to be learning this lesson now because of course there will be more fears that come my way. Won't we always worry about our children? I think the trick is to be afraid enough to take responsible care for them, but not afraid enough to where your own fears are harming your children by controlling them or making them feel anxious.
I feel like some weight has been lifted and I am going to try to keep working on this.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Thank You!
I would like to thank Amy from Maternal Hope, Beckie from Beckie's Infertility Journey, and Heartincharge from Lily in the Valley for both of these blog awards.
Here are the rules:
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award (I'm just going to do 8).
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it
1) I was a college pole vaulter. When I first began pole vaulting in high school it was not a sanctioned girls event so I had to compete against the boys. I really enjoyed beating them. I have always been competitive and love playing sports and games.
2) I have two small furbabies who I treat like they are my real babies.
3) I am a middle child, and I did not get along with my siblings until late high school. They ganged up on me all the time, so I would often go hang out with my friends. Now I love them both and we get along great!
4) I once had the goal of running a marathon. I got up to running about 5 miles and then quit because it was boring and I discovered that I really hate running.
5) I am a tv junkie. I love watching "my shows". It is my favorite way to unwind at the end of the day. Some guilty pleasures are: The Bachelor, One Tree Hill, and 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I know, I think a part of me is stuck in adolescence.
6) My husband and I won a tennis tournament together.
7) I have often been told I am very mature person, but I have also always had this really immature (and even sometimes perverted) sense of humor. I think it came from my dad and brother. I don't show it unless I know you really well. It sometimes catches people off guard at first.
So that's a little about me. As I was doing this I realized that although we all connect through our similar experiences and emotions, I have never really expressed who I am outside of IF :)
Here are the blogs I would like to give this award to. I follow all of your journeys and enjoy reading your blogs:
1. Sara at Time Well Wasted
2. Mrs. D at The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own
3. The Hudack Family at The Hudack Family
4. Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry
5. Waiting and Wishing at Waiting and Wishing
6. Jill's Infertility Document at Infertility Unexplained
7. Mrs. R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
8. Lauren at Lauren vs. The World
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award (I'm just going to do 8).
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it
1) I was a college pole vaulter. When I first began pole vaulting in high school it was not a sanctioned girls event so I had to compete against the boys. I really enjoyed beating them. I have always been competitive and love playing sports and games.
2) I have two small furbabies who I treat like they are my real babies.
3) I am a middle child, and I did not get along with my siblings until late high school. They ganged up on me all the time, so I would often go hang out with my friends. Now I love them both and we get along great!
4) I once had the goal of running a marathon. I got up to running about 5 miles and then quit because it was boring and I discovered that I really hate running.
5) I am a tv junkie. I love watching "my shows". It is my favorite way to unwind at the end of the day. Some guilty pleasures are: The Bachelor, One Tree Hill, and 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I know, I think a part of me is stuck in adolescence.
6) My husband and I won a tennis tournament together.
7) I have often been told I am very mature person, but I have also always had this really immature (and even sometimes perverted) sense of humor. I think it came from my dad and brother. I don't show it unless I know you really well. It sometimes catches people off guard at first.
So that's a little about me. As I was doing this I realized that although we all connect through our similar experiences and emotions, I have never really expressed who I am outside of IF :)
Here are the blogs I would like to give this award to. I follow all of your journeys and enjoy reading your blogs:
1. Sara at Time Well Wasted
2. Mrs. D at The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own
3. The Hudack Family at The Hudack Family
4. Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry
5. Waiting and Wishing at Waiting and Wishing
6. Jill's Infertility Document at Infertility Unexplained
7. Mrs. R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
8. Lauren at Lauren vs. The World
Friday, February 4, 2011
4w4d- Uncharted Waters
What a roller coaster this past week has been. I kind of suspected that the emotional roller coaster that IF is does not end upon getting a BFP.
I will first admit that there has been entirely too much googling for my sanity. I have been googling EVERYTHING. I have been getting AF type of cramps ever since Monday that come and go, but sometimes last all day. They really worried me at first, but I am reading more and more that they are normal as the uterus begins to stretch, as long as there is not bleeding. Thankfully for me there has not been any spotting/bleeding so I am really working on not letting those cramps freak me out. I just had no idea that one would experience AF like cramps while pregnant...weird.
I did not think I would have symptoms so fast. I have been very bloated since a couple of days before my BFP. I have also had some dull lower back pains, little waves of nausea, and sore bbs. As uncomfortable as these things are I love symptoms (minus the cramping because it scares me) because it makes me believe that things are happening in there.
Emotionally, I am a mess but getting a little better. There is still that "prepare for the worst" part of me that won't completely let go. But, I have been able to let myself relax a little more and realize that it is out of my hands. Also talking with a couple of fertile family members about my concerns has actually helped. Although they don't completely understand my fears they have been listening and have been reminding me that at this point I am just another pregnant woman.
I can't say enough how much I have appreciated the supportive comments from you all. Sometimes I feel it is unfair to be asking for support after getting a BFP. I hope I have not offended anyone by not being 100% elated, excited, and happy. I hope that you all understand. Life after BFP in some ways has been more scary for me than life before BFP. It just feels like there is even more on the line and more to lose. I am so lucky to be where I am and I am trying very, very hard to feel that and to enjoy that. I knew I would be somewhat guarded if/when I ever got my BFP, but I did not think I would have this much fear. This is uncharted waters for me. I am still feeling things out and figuring out how to manage the fear and the anxiety. In the meantime, I sincerely want to thank each of you for being there.
P.S. I was thrilled to find out that I was nominated for a couple of blogging awards :) This weekend I am going to post about them and re-award.
I will first admit that there has been entirely too much googling for my sanity. I have been googling EVERYTHING. I have been getting AF type of cramps ever since Monday that come and go, but sometimes last all day. They really worried me at first, but I am reading more and more that they are normal as the uterus begins to stretch, as long as there is not bleeding. Thankfully for me there has not been any spotting/bleeding so I am really working on not letting those cramps freak me out. I just had no idea that one would experience AF like cramps while pregnant...weird.
I did not think I would have symptoms so fast. I have been very bloated since a couple of days before my BFP. I have also had some dull lower back pains, little waves of nausea, and sore bbs. As uncomfortable as these things are I love symptoms (minus the cramping because it scares me) because it makes me believe that things are happening in there.
Emotionally, I am a mess but getting a little better. There is still that "prepare for the worst" part of me that won't completely let go. But, I have been able to let myself relax a little more and realize that it is out of my hands. Also talking with a couple of fertile family members about my concerns has actually helped. Although they don't completely understand my fears they have been listening and have been reminding me that at this point I am just another pregnant woman.
I can't say enough how much I have appreciated the supportive comments from you all. Sometimes I feel it is unfair to be asking for support after getting a BFP. I hope I have not offended anyone by not being 100% elated, excited, and happy. I hope that you all understand. Life after BFP in some ways has been more scary for me than life before BFP. It just feels like there is even more on the line and more to lose. I am so lucky to be where I am and I am trying very, very hard to feel that and to enjoy that. I knew I would be somewhat guarded if/when I ever got my BFP, but I did not think I would have this much fear. This is uncharted waters for me. I am still feeling things out and figuring out how to manage the fear and the anxiety. In the meantime, I sincerely want to thank each of you for being there.
P.S. I was thrilled to find out that I was nominated for a couple of blogging awards :) This weekend I am going to post about them and re-award.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Aftermath
The news is spreading like wild fire. DH and I both have large, close extended families. This news has leaked and pretty much all extended family knows. 2 extended family members posted something to our FB walls and I deleted the messages immediately and wrote them each private messages thanking them for their congrats, but that we are not ready to go "public" yet. They both completely understood.
When I take a step back and really see what's happening I feel overwhelmed in a good way. We had so many people pulling for us because we have been sharing about our journey for awhile now. They are all so excited that they want to share the news. But, I am scared because it is so early. Each time someone expresses their excitement instead of enjoying it with them my reaction is to want to tell them that it is early so we aren't sure what is going to happen. That should not be my initial reaction!
There is no way to ever know how I would have felt if I got a BFP when we first starting TTC over 3 years ago, but I am fairly certain I would not be this worried about something going wrong. So I am trying to get in that mentality. If I got a BFP and was a fertile would I be excited: Absolutely! I think I would be naive to the things that could go wrong. I am trying to hard to be ignorant and just relish in it, but I am really, really struggling.
Part of me wants to protect myself, but in all honesty, if something horrible happens it will be devastating whether I protect myself or not. And hopefully all these people who are so excited would be there to support us. Living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop is not what I want to do. I am fighting so hard to not feel like this.
I have been having some menstrual-like cramps on and off for a couple of days and this has triggered fear and worry. Even though I know it can be normal (so long as it is not paired with bleeding, which it is not) I am scared. I wish I could just enjoy this, but instead I am waiting to hear the bad news. I am so upset with myself for feeling this way.
When I take a step back and really see what's happening I feel overwhelmed in a good way. We had so many people pulling for us because we have been sharing about our journey for awhile now. They are all so excited that they want to share the news. But, I am scared because it is so early. Each time someone expresses their excitement instead of enjoying it with them my reaction is to want to tell them that it is early so we aren't sure what is going to happen. That should not be my initial reaction!
There is no way to ever know how I would have felt if I got a BFP when we first starting TTC over 3 years ago, but I am fairly certain I would not be this worried about something going wrong. So I am trying to get in that mentality. If I got a BFP and was a fertile would I be excited: Absolutely! I think I would be naive to the things that could go wrong. I am trying to hard to be ignorant and just relish in it, but I am really, really struggling.
Part of me wants to protect myself, but in all honesty, if something horrible happens it will be devastating whether I protect myself or not. And hopefully all these people who are so excited would be there to support us. Living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop is not what I want to do. I am fighting so hard to not feel like this.
I have been having some menstrual-like cramps on and off for a couple of days and this has triggered fear and worry. Even though I know it can be normal (so long as it is not paired with bleeding, which it is not) I am scared. I wish I could just enjoy this, but instead I am waiting to hear the bad news. I am so upset with myself for feeling this way.
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