Yesterday's visit with pessimistic preggo, I will now refer to her as Polly, went bad. I was really proud of how I handled myself. She was so annoying. She complained ALL DAY. I am not exaggerating.
At the end of the day, right before I was about to leave it was just her and I in the kitchen and here is where things got sticky:
Her: "Oh my gosh, this pregnancy is killing me! I am over it [she is 15 weeks]"
Me: "Polly, I hate to hear you say things like that"
Her: "Huh?"
Me: "Your pregnancy is a blessing. You should feel lucky"
Her: Rolls eyes
Me: "I am serious. You have something a lot of people can't have"
Insert awkward silence here
Luckily someone came in the room and the conversation ended. I wasn't going to say anything at all until she said what she did when it was just to me. What did she expect for me to say? Did she think I was going to pity her? Did she think I was going to sympathize with her? Remember, she knows about our IF.
My friend told me that after I left she was upset and told her husband that her mom and others told her she shouldn't have to watch what she says around me.
I am just hurt right now. I have been open about our struggles so that hopefully, there is some consideration about how I feel. I do not want to make a big deal about things or make everything about me. I am just asking for SOME kind of human decency.
I mean, if you got a huge promotion and were spending time with someone who was really struggling financially, would you go on and on about how excited you were about your increase in salary, how you now never have to worry about money at all, or all the things you want to do with your new found cash? No! You would watch what you say so that you don't make that person feel uncomfortable. Why is this any different??
And the fact that her mother told her not to watch what she says hurts me to, because this is my DH's aunt whom we are very close to. She always seems so supportive.
I wish this didn't bother me, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I am torn about why it should. BUT it does. It makes me so upset and angry. I try to fight feeling that way and I stuff it down, but it always finds its way to the surface.
I am going to go the gym now, so I can hopefully shake this off.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Is it Too Much to Ask for?
I am about to go out with a friend and a family member who is pregnant and I am dreading it. I saw this family member last night and all she did was complain about not being able to drink and how tired she was and how she can't wait until this "thing" is born. She was trying to plan all these trips and things to do after the baby was born like she couldn't wait. She is only 15 weeks!
My feelings are hurt because she knows all of our TTC struggles and IF plan and there is zero consideration of my feelings.
I am torn because this is a major thing in her life and she should be able to talk about it as she wants, but I also feel that some consideration would be nice. Some acknowledgement that it might be hard for me to be around her since all she does is complain and/or talk about her pregnancy/baby.
I normally would not go out of my way to make plans with her since it bothers me to be around her, but she pretty much invited herself for today's outing.
Ugh. She just doesn't get it. Part of me wants to address this with her, but a big part of me would feel selfish asking her to tone down the preggo talk. I just had to vent on here. Is it too much to ask for for her to have some considering of my feelings?
These are the times I feel so alone in this... like no one IRL understands AT ALL. It hurts so much to see her have something she is taking for granted that I am trying so hard to achieve and would cherish so much.
My feelings are hurt because she knows all of our TTC struggles and IF plan and there is zero consideration of my feelings.
I am torn because this is a major thing in her life and she should be able to talk about it as she wants, but I also feel that some consideration would be nice. Some acknowledgement that it might be hard for me to be around her since all she does is complain and/or talk about her pregnancy/baby.
I normally would not go out of my way to make plans with her since it bothers me to be around her, but she pretty much invited herself for today's outing.
Ugh. She just doesn't get it. Part of me wants to address this with her, but a big part of me would feel selfish asking her to tone down the preggo talk. I just had to vent on here. Is it too much to ask for for her to have some considering of my feelings?
These are the times I feel so alone in this... like no one IRL understands AT ALL. It hurts so much to see her have something she is taking for granted that I am trying so hard to achieve and would cherish so much.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A Different Kind of Christmas
Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year felt different. This year I felt like we were just waiting for it to pass by, and I hate that. I try to live in the moment and appreciate everyday but, this Christmas I was just waiting for it to be over so we can move forward.
The past few days I have really been struggling with patience. I am so eager to start this IUI. I am a very goal-oriented person and I am so focused on the next cycle that I don't feel like I am really living life.
The thoughts I have been having about the IUI are mostly positive so I will give myself credit for that. But more than anything I need to find that balance between being focused and hopeful vs. becoming obsessed.
I hope everyone was able to enjoy some aspect of the holiday, although I know it is a tough time of the year for many struggling with IF.
The past few days I have really been struggling with patience. I am so eager to start this IUI. I am a very goal-oriented person and I am so focused on the next cycle that I don't feel like I am really living life.
The thoughts I have been having about the IUI are mostly positive so I will give myself credit for that. But more than anything I need to find that balance between being focused and hopeful vs. becoming obsessed.
I hope everyone was able to enjoy some aspect of the holiday, although I know it is a tough time of the year for many struggling with IF.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Welcome December IComLeavWe & Genetics
Welcome to any new readers. Here are the Cliff's Notes of our journey up until this point:
Both in late 20s, been TTC for 3+ years. Issue is probably related to cervical mucus. All tests look good so far and we are set to start our first IUI in mid Jan.
Both my Orvedel and Menapor should be arriving today and I am also picking up my Clomid and Progesterone today. Even though I am only on CD13 and won't be starting until next cycle, I wanted to go ahead and get everything so I am not rushing around.
Yesterday, my husband I a met with a genetic counselor. For new readers, I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis a couple of years ago. I have a mild case, hence being diagnosed as an adult. Anyway, when I was first diagnosed with CF my husband had a genetic test done to see if he carried the gene (it is a genetic disease) which came back negative. To make a complex story short, both parents must carry the gene in order for a child to receive it. I became paranoid about the test he received and wondered if it was extensive enough.
So back to the point, we met with a genetic counselor yesterday to go over the statistics and chances our child could have CF based on the testing my husband received. The appointment was very reassuring. She informed us that our children have a .25% chance of having CF. 1/4th of a percent. A 99.75% chance of NOT having CF. I asked her what the chances were of other birth defects (that the general population has) just to compare and she said at my age the chance of having a baby with heart defects is 1%. That is .75% higher than the chances he/she will have CF, and that percentage doesn't stop almost anyone from procreating.
We knew the chances our baby would have CF would be next to none, but I am such a worrier and wanted to be sure so that I won't worry during a pregnancy. I have read another blog about someone with CF and IF and there were some nasty and hurtful comments left about people's opinions on whether or not she should be "able" to have children. I ask that you please not do that here. I wasn't going to post anything about this because I do not want those same comments. Not that I need to justify my choices, but I will for a second. I am in great health, I have a mild case of CF, and there is a 99.75% chance that we will not have a child with CF.
I chose to post because it is a part of journey and something unique to our situation. All of our journey's are unique and we all have different things we worry about. I want to be able to be open and honest here and CF is apart of that. Maybe I am paranoid about judgment because I am still worried about how people perceive me because of this disease. What most people know about CF is the terrible, devastating side to the disease, and I am so fortunate that that is not me. If you would like to know more about CF or my case specifically I would be glad to share. You can email me at tothosewhowait7@gmail.com
Both in late 20s, been TTC for 3+ years. Issue is probably related to cervical mucus. All tests look good so far and we are set to start our first IUI in mid Jan.
Both my Orvedel and Menapor should be arriving today and I am also picking up my Clomid and Progesterone today. Even though I am only on CD13 and won't be starting until next cycle, I wanted to go ahead and get everything so I am not rushing around.
Yesterday, my husband I a met with a genetic counselor. For new readers, I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis a couple of years ago. I have a mild case, hence being diagnosed as an adult. Anyway, when I was first diagnosed with CF my husband had a genetic test done to see if he carried the gene (it is a genetic disease) which came back negative. To make a complex story short, both parents must carry the gene in order for a child to receive it. I became paranoid about the test he received and wondered if it was extensive enough.
So back to the point, we met with a genetic counselor yesterday to go over the statistics and chances our child could have CF based on the testing my husband received. The appointment was very reassuring. She informed us that our children have a .25% chance of having CF. 1/4th of a percent. A 99.75% chance of NOT having CF. I asked her what the chances were of other birth defects (that the general population has) just to compare and she said at my age the chance of having a baby with heart defects is 1%. That is .75% higher than the chances he/she will have CF, and that percentage doesn't stop almost anyone from procreating.
We knew the chances our baby would have CF would be next to none, but I am such a worrier and wanted to be sure so that I won't worry during a pregnancy. I have read another blog about someone with CF and IF and there were some nasty and hurtful comments left about people's opinions on whether or not she should be "able" to have children. I ask that you please not do that here. I wasn't going to post anything about this because I do not want those same comments. Not that I need to justify my choices, but I will for a second. I am in great health, I have a mild case of CF, and there is a 99.75% chance that we will not have a child with CF.
I chose to post because it is a part of journey and something unique to our situation. All of our journey's are unique and we all have different things we worry about. I want to be able to be open and honest here and CF is apart of that. Maybe I am paranoid about judgment because I am still worried about how people perceive me because of this disease. What most people know about CF is the terrible, devastating side to the disease, and I am so fortunate that that is not me. If you would like to know more about CF or my case specifically I would be glad to share. You can email me at tothosewhowait7@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Plan in Place
I just got home from my injectables class and follow up appointment with my RE, and I am excited! She gave us the option of a clomid IUI or a clomid + minimal stimulation IUI. We are choosing the later, more aggressive route, which will be:
Day 3-7: Clomid, 100mg
Day 9: Menapur 75 units
Day 13ish: Trigger: Ovidrel 250 micrograms
36 hrs later: IUI
After IUI: Progesterone
They do not pre schedule betas at this clinic but want you take a HPT 14 days after IUI and then come in that day or the next to have the b/w.
I feel very excited right now. For one, just simply having a concrete plan that includes increasing our chances is enough to have me jumping for joy. I felt like we were stuck for so long in one place, and now I feel like we are unstuck. I will worry about what if it doesn't work later because it is inevitable that my mind will go there the closer we get. But for now, I am happy and excited and really imagining having a baby and that feels good. There was a long time we stopped dreaming about it...
I am on CD7 now so we have about 3 more weeks until the "action" cycle starts. Thank goodness for the Holidays to help the time pass by.
Day 3-7: Clomid, 100mg
Day 9: Menapur 75 units
Day 13ish: Trigger: Ovidrel 250 micrograms
36 hrs later: IUI
After IUI: Progesterone
They do not pre schedule betas at this clinic but want you take a HPT 14 days after IUI and then come in that day or the next to have the b/w.
I feel very excited right now. For one, just simply having a concrete plan that includes increasing our chances is enough to have me jumping for joy. I felt like we were stuck for so long in one place, and now I feel like we are unstuck. I will worry about what if it doesn't work later because it is inevitable that my mind will go there the closer we get. But for now, I am happy and excited and really imagining having a baby and that feels good. There was a long time we stopped dreaming about it...
I am on CD7 now so we have about 3 more weeks until the "action" cycle starts. Thank goodness for the Holidays to help the time pass by.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Another Hurdle Crossed
Yesterday I received the results from my CD3 ultrasound/labs. The nurse actually called while I was out shopping. So I found a quiet corner at REI and squatted down with my notebook to write down the numbers she gave me. I must of looked pretty crazy but I didn't care. I had been waiting for that call and I wasn't going to miss the details!
-15 antral follicles
-Lining = 3.9
-Estraidol = 25
-FSH = 7.7
The nurse said that all results were within normal range. I started to google when I got home, but stopped. I need to just be content with the words "within normal range". Anything I find will probably just make me pessimistic. On Tuesday I take an injectables class and then meet for a followup with my Dr. to discuss the game plan. I am not sure why they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class (even before this CD3 testing)...? Maybe because of the trigger shot?
I guess I will find out soon enough. Today I feel hopeful and excited and I will enjoy that while it lasts. I seem to hold my breath and prepare for the worst when getting any kind of results lately, but from what I was told the results didn't show anything bad. So for now I remain optimistic.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
At What Expense?
CD1 today brings with it no disappointment. It is a rare thing. But this past month we needed a break. We were not trying but not preventing which just took a lot of pressure and expectation off. We figured if it hasn't happened by now on our own, it probably won't. I don't think we even BD around peak times, so I was not at all surprised or saddened by this month's AF appearance. I am glad for today because we get to move forward.
I have scheduled my CD3 labs and u/s for Friday. I am excited and nervous to see what comes of it. The last time I had CD3 labs and u/s was a year and half ago and things looked good. I wonder if much can change in that amount of time?
I say I want a baby more than anything but that's not true. I want to keep a good solid foundation in my marriage first and foremost. It is the thing I cherish most in life. That is the reason for this past month's "break". Forced BD was straining our relationship. Yes, this is and is going to be a stressful process, but I keep asking myself, "at what expense". We want a family so very much, but at what expense? To the expense of my health? No. Our marriage? No. Too much financial strain? No. So does that mean I don't want it as much as other people? I don't know and don't think it really matters.
I can see and understand how couples get so deep into this process that is hard to see beyond it. And I get like that sometimes. And I fight that. I don't want to become that. I am afraid of becoming that. So if I continue to ask myself, at what expense? Maybe I will let the answer to that guide me.
I don't know. This whole thing is such a roller coaster and so confusing I don't know what to think or if any of this even made sense outside of my own head!
I have scheduled my CD3 labs and u/s for Friday. I am excited and nervous to see what comes of it. The last time I had CD3 labs and u/s was a year and half ago and things looked good. I wonder if much can change in that amount of time?
I say I want a baby more than anything but that's not true. I want to keep a good solid foundation in my marriage first and foremost. It is the thing I cherish most in life. That is the reason for this past month's "break". Forced BD was straining our relationship. Yes, this is and is going to be a stressful process, but I keep asking myself, "at what expense". We want a family so very much, but at what expense? To the expense of my health? No. Our marriage? No. Too much financial strain? No. So does that mean I don't want it as much as other people? I don't know and don't think it really matters.
I can see and understand how couples get so deep into this process that is hard to see beyond it. And I get like that sometimes. And I fight that. I don't want to become that. I am afraid of becoming that. So if I continue to ask myself, at what expense? Maybe I will let the answer to that guide me.
I don't know. This whole thing is such a roller coaster and so confusing I don't know what to think or if any of this even made sense outside of my own head!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
More Than a Year
Since my past post I have turned a year older. 27 sounds more than a year older to me than 26 for some reason. But I love celebrating my birthday no matter what age because it is a celebration of life and living.
I have opened up about or IF plans with an aunt and her wife. I figured they would understand being a couple that cannot conceive on their own. And they did. For some reason I don't want to keep it a secret and have lately felt compelled to inform many family members and to talk very openly about it. I guess this surprises me because it is far from the person I used to be.
I used to be this person who exemplified the perfect life as a someone who really had things together. I wasn't this person, but it is who I wanted people to think I was. I didn't really share any negative things in my life with people. The real me remained hidden behind this persona of perfection.
I have changed a lot since then. Being diagnosed with CF and dealing with IF has taught me about opening up and letting people be there for me. I realized that it is hard for people to connect to someone who doesn't have any problems. Problems make us human. And we connect through suffering. Maybe this is why I have been so open with family about our IF. To me its like saying "See people, I am not perfect. I suffer too! I need love and support too!"
I have also learned a lot about the importance of self care. Which is why today I plan on spending a couple hours doing chores around the house and then I am going to get a message, and then relaxing by the fireplace while watching football all day.
Maybe 27 sounds more than a year older than 26 because of the amount of personal growth that has happened in that time...
I have opened up about or IF plans with an aunt and her wife. I figured they would understand being a couple that cannot conceive on their own. And they did. For some reason I don't want to keep it a secret and have lately felt compelled to inform many family members and to talk very openly about it. I guess this surprises me because it is far from the person I used to be.
I used to be this person who exemplified the perfect life as a someone who really had things together. I wasn't this person, but it is who I wanted people to think I was. I didn't really share any negative things in my life with people. The real me remained hidden behind this persona of perfection.
I have changed a lot since then. Being diagnosed with CF and dealing with IF has taught me about opening up and letting people be there for me. I realized that it is hard for people to connect to someone who doesn't have any problems. Problems make us human. And we connect through suffering. Maybe this is why I have been so open with family about our IF. To me its like saying "See people, I am not perfect. I suffer too! I need love and support too!"
I have also learned a lot about the importance of self care. Which is why today I plan on spending a couple hours doing chores around the house and then I am going to get a message, and then relaxing by the fireplace while watching football all day.
Maybe 27 sounds more than a year older than 26 because of the amount of personal growth that has happened in that time...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Waiting, Planning, Preparing
It is CD23 and I am waiting. AF is expected to arrive in about 7 days. Then I will call to schedule my CD3 ultrasound & b/w. After that I will have another appointment the following week to discuss the game plan and then I should have the IUI #1 in mid to late January. It feels like we are moving at a snails pace, but I guess that is good. It helps to not feel so overwhelmed, but my patience is wearing thin.
DH and I have been discussing adoption and other options, just because I really like to have a backup plan. Not that I am going into the IUI(s) preparing for failure, but it helps to know we will have a baby somehow. I just don't know if I could or would want to go through IVF if needed. I reserve the right to change my mind, and I very well could, but right now I feel like if IUI is not our answer, we might seriously consider adoption.
We have been TTC for 3+ years, and in this time I have not purchased a single item for our future baby. For some reason yesterday I started thinking that I might start buying small things here and there. I guess it kind of reinforces the idea that we are sure we are going to have a baby somehow, someway. And I always like to be prepared and to be "doing something". So what if I have a room full of diapers and no baby for awhile, right?
DH and I have been discussing adoption and other options, just because I really like to have a backup plan. Not that I am going into the IUI(s) preparing for failure, but it helps to know we will have a baby somehow. I just don't know if I could or would want to go through IVF if needed. I reserve the right to change my mind, and I very well could, but right now I feel like if IUI is not our answer, we might seriously consider adoption.
We have been TTC for 3+ years, and in this time I have not purchased a single item for our future baby. For some reason yesterday I started thinking that I might start buying small things here and there. I guess it kind of reinforces the idea that we are sure we are going to have a baby somehow, someway. And I always like to be prepared and to be "doing something". So what if I have a room full of diapers and no baby for awhile, right?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Is Honesty the Best Policy with IF in the Workplace?
Thank you for the couple of people who let me know there was an issue with the commenting function on my posts. Hopefully that is fixed now that I have changed the design. Also, thank you for the comments and for following! :) Thanksgiving was great, but now that it is Monday I am back to business and focusing on moving forward with fertility stuff.
My latest stressor has been trying to think of how I will handle missing work for RE appointments for our upcoming IUI adventure(s). A little background info: I work in an administrative position at a college and I have only been working here for 9 months. I do not have a personal relationship with either of my bosses and conversation it is mostly business with occasional small talk. I already miss work more than the average person because I have CF doctors appointments which take a couple of hours, and I usually end up taking a half day and sometimes a whole day just to not feel like I am rushing around.
When I have these appointments I just tell my bosses they are "doctors" appointments or I lie and say I am going to the dentist. I start work at 7:30 so even if my RE appointments are early, it is inevitable that I will have to miss some work. Not to mention the injectables class I have at 1:30pm on a work day in a couple of weeks. I just don't know what to tell my bosses.
It isn't that my job is so very important that me missing occasionally causes any issues. In fact, I am a very fast worker and often have nothing to do because I have already done it. But I don't want to be viewed as someone who doesn't care about there job or who takes it for granted.
Telling the truth has its negatives. 1) It opens up the relationship to a very personal one and I don't know how I feel about that. 2) It tells them that I will (hopefully) soon be on maternity leave or leaving the job (more likely) and the reason the last person in my position left was because she was pregnant. She went on maternity leave and then told them she wasn't coming back. They made it a point to tell me this upon hiring me. 3) People at work (at least my bosses) will know that I might be pregnant and I wouldn''t like them knowing that I could be, or wondering if I am until I am ready for them to know.
I really don't know what to do and I am stressing out about it. Any advice is appreciated. What have you told your bosses?
My latest stressor has been trying to think of how I will handle missing work for RE appointments for our upcoming IUI adventure(s). A little background info: I work in an administrative position at a college and I have only been working here for 9 months. I do not have a personal relationship with either of my bosses and conversation it is mostly business with occasional small talk. I already miss work more than the average person because I have CF doctors appointments which take a couple of hours, and I usually end up taking a half day and sometimes a whole day just to not feel like I am rushing around.
When I have these appointments I just tell my bosses they are "doctors" appointments or I lie and say I am going to the dentist. I start work at 7:30 so even if my RE appointments are early, it is inevitable that I will have to miss some work. Not to mention the injectables class I have at 1:30pm on a work day in a couple of weeks. I just don't know what to tell my bosses.
It isn't that my job is so very important that me missing occasionally causes any issues. In fact, I am a very fast worker and often have nothing to do because I have already done it. But I don't want to be viewed as someone who doesn't care about there job or who takes it for granted.
Telling the truth has its negatives. 1) It opens up the relationship to a very personal one and I don't know how I feel about that. 2) It tells them that I will (hopefully) soon be on maternity leave or leaving the job (more likely) and the reason the last person in my position left was because she was pregnant. She went on maternity leave and then told them she wasn't coming back. They made it a point to tell me this upon hiring me. 3) People at work (at least my bosses) will know that I might be pregnant and I wouldn''t like them knowing that I could be, or wondering if I am until I am ready for them to know.
I really don't know what to do and I am stressing out about it. Any advice is appreciated. What have you told your bosses?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It Shouldn't Matter...But it Does.
Other people's pregnancy announcements. I am so conflicted with how I feel on this. Part of the time I think I am crazy for letting it bother me at all. Because what does someone else's life choices/luck have to do with my life's path? But the other part of me can't help but feel sorry for myself.
About a month ago my husband's cousin (whom we are very close to) announced that she was pregnant. Just weeks before she informed me that she wasn't even sure she wanted children but since her husband was going to be getting deployed she wanted to try (turns out he is not getting deployed). She had been married for 2 months. She had been TTC for 2 months.
Yesterday I found out that my cousin is pregnant with #2. She had #1 months after meeting her boyfriend online. She just got married 2 months ago in which she said at the wedding that they would be trying for #2 on the honeymoon. I guess it worked.
When I hear these things I feel self pity and anger. When does doing things the "right" way pay off? Does it ever? Where is our reward for all of the hard work we put into going to college and graduate school? Where is our reward for actually waiting to start trying until after we got married? We have done everything "right" and we are both in jobs we don't particularly enjoy without the one thing we have dreamed of for so long.
In my extended family the majority of babies were conceived "on accident". Most were to unmarried couples. I don't get it. Where is the justice? I know that life isn't fair, but I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach and I am sick of fighting back right now. I know that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, how good the relationship is, or what your education level is, but the part of me that wants to believe that as long as you work hard life can be what you want it to be won't let go.
I will be around DH's cousin all weekend for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can manage to not let it get me down and enjoy the holiday because I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it is hard to see those things sometimes.
About a month ago my husband's cousin (whom we are very close to) announced that she was pregnant. Just weeks before she informed me that she wasn't even sure she wanted children but since her husband was going to be getting deployed she wanted to try (turns out he is not getting deployed). She had been married for 2 months. She had been TTC for 2 months.
Yesterday I found out that my cousin is pregnant with #2. She had #1 months after meeting her boyfriend online. She just got married 2 months ago in which she said at the wedding that they would be trying for #2 on the honeymoon. I guess it worked.
When I hear these things I feel self pity and anger. When does doing things the "right" way pay off? Does it ever? Where is our reward for all of the hard work we put into going to college and graduate school? Where is our reward for actually waiting to start trying until after we got married? We have done everything "right" and we are both in jobs we don't particularly enjoy without the one thing we have dreamed of for so long.
In my extended family the majority of babies were conceived "on accident". Most were to unmarried couples. I don't get it. Where is the justice? I know that life isn't fair, but I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach and I am sick of fighting back right now. I know that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, how good the relationship is, or what your education level is, but the part of me that wants to believe that as long as you work hard life can be what you want it to be won't let go.
I will be around DH's cousin all weekend for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can manage to not let it get me down and enjoy the holiday because I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it is hard to see those things sometimes.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
My First IComLeavWe
Welcome to my blog. This is my first IComLeavWe. Here is a summary as abbreviated as I can be, about me, my life, and our TTC journey.
I am turning 27 in 2 weeks, and I am a former counselor turned college administrative (boring) position. I will soon be working on a degree in teaching which has been my secret dream job.
My husband and I have been together for over 7 years, married for 3 1/2, and TTC for 3 years.
We have taken a couple of breaks due to huge life challenges (I was diagnosed with "mild" CF-Cystic Fibrosis in 2008) and just feelings of overwhelm. We were set to start an IUI in March of 2009 after a couple of failed rounds of Clomid but backed out because we were scared, overwhelmed, and dealing with CF.
But now we feel stronger than ever and ready to move forward. We are ready to have the family we dreamed of and know that the road ahead may not be easy. We have been open with our TTC journey with family and although the support has been amazing, I still need a group of people that truly understands... hence this blog.
All signs thus far point to a cervical fluid issue due to CF. We are hoping that IUI is our answer. All my other b/w looks good and so does DH's SA.
I hope that through this blog I can make connections with others who are going through similar struggles and further build our support system. I go back and forth between feeling excited about the next step and scared that it won't work and even worse that our dream will never come true.
What you can expect if you stick around and follow my blog: honesty, raw emotions, overanalyzation (I think I made that word up), occasional humor (its in there somewhere), complaining, impatience, and all kinds of other fun stuff!
I am turning 27 in 2 weeks, and I am a former counselor turned college administrative (boring) position. I will soon be working on a degree in teaching which has been my secret dream job.
My husband and I have been together for over 7 years, married for 3 1/2, and TTC for 3 years.
We have taken a couple of breaks due to huge life challenges (I was diagnosed with "mild" CF-Cystic Fibrosis in 2008) and just feelings of overwhelm. We were set to start an IUI in March of 2009 after a couple of failed rounds of Clomid but backed out because we were scared, overwhelmed, and dealing with CF.
But now we feel stronger than ever and ready to move forward. We are ready to have the family we dreamed of and know that the road ahead may not be easy. We have been open with our TTC journey with family and although the support has been amazing, I still need a group of people that truly understands... hence this blog.
All signs thus far point to a cervical fluid issue due to CF. We are hoping that IUI is our answer. All my other b/w looks good and so does DH's SA.
I hope that through this blog I can make connections with others who are going through similar struggles and further build our support system. I go back and forth between feeling excited about the next step and scared that it won't work and even worse that our dream will never come true.
What you can expect if you stick around and follow my blog: honesty, raw emotions, overanalyzation (I think I made that word up), occasional humor (its in there somewhere), complaining, impatience, and all kinds of other fun stuff!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Up and Down
What a roller coaster. One second I feel confident, hopeful, positive, "at peace" and excited about our IUI as the next step. But literally the next second I sometimes feel scared, overwhelmed, pessimistic, impatient, doubtful, and hopeless.
Where is the off switch on the brain that shuts up the part that is ruminating about these things? I guess if my job was a little more intellectually stimulating I would have something to occupy my mind...but that is another issue entirely.
And as an aside...I have zero followers currently, which is fine because I have just started this blog. But I found it weird that in previous posts I have asked questions to "an audience" which is probably non existent at this point. So right now I feel like I am really talking to myself. If anyone is out there or reading these posts after the fact, please still feel free to answer my questions or comment, even if it is months after the post. It would make me feel a little less crazy :)
Where is the off switch on the brain that shuts up the part that is ruminating about these things? I guess if my job was a little more intellectually stimulating I would have something to occupy my mind...but that is another issue entirely.
And as an aside...I have zero followers currently, which is fine because I have just started this blog. But I found it weird that in previous posts I have asked questions to "an audience" which is probably non existent at this point. So right now I feel like I am really talking to myself. If anyone is out there or reading these posts after the fact, please still feel free to answer my questions or comment, even if it is months after the post. It would make me feel a little less crazy :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
A Start
We had our appointment with the RE today. It was overwhelming. But good...
I am still processing everything. It takes me awhile to process things when emotions are involved. It looks like an IUI is scheduled for the coming months.
Based on my previous testing, the RE said that the blood work and HSG looked good. Today is CD7 so I have to wait awhile until my next cycle for the CD3 ultrasound. She said based on that we will decide whether oral or injectables are needed. But they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class on 12/14...I am kind of confused by this? I also have a follow up appointment with the RE following the injectables class.
I don't know why I am so scared to move forward. I am excited, but really scared. I am afraid of it not working, or of losing a pregnancy. I have not even been pregnant before, but I fear the worst. I am not usually like this with life challenges. I tend to face them head on and with confidence. But this is different. There is so much on the line. Probably my biggest dream in life.
If I know myself well enough I will let myself be scared, but when I need to I will be confident and hopeful. At least I hope so...
A little patience is in order since it looks like my IUI will not be until January. Part of me wants to just go ahead and jump into the pool of cold water instead of anticipating the shock. But that is not realistic and I just need to be patient and handle things one step at a time.
I am worried about how I will handle missing work for appointments. I am not sure what to tell my boss. I already "went to the dentist to get a cavity filled" today. What's next? What do you all tell your bosses?
I am still processing everything. It takes me awhile to process things when emotions are involved. It looks like an IUI is scheduled for the coming months.
Based on my previous testing, the RE said that the blood work and HSG looked good. Today is CD7 so I have to wait awhile until my next cycle for the CD3 ultrasound. She said based on that we will decide whether oral or injectables are needed. But they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class on 12/14...I am kind of confused by this? I also have a follow up appointment with the RE following the injectables class.
I don't know why I am so scared to move forward. I am excited, but really scared. I am afraid of it not working, or of losing a pregnancy. I have not even been pregnant before, but I fear the worst. I am not usually like this with life challenges. I tend to face them head on and with confidence. But this is different. There is so much on the line. Probably my biggest dream in life.
If I know myself well enough I will let myself be scared, but when I need to I will be confident and hopeful. At least I hope so...
A little patience is in order since it looks like my IUI will not be until January. Part of me wants to just go ahead and jump into the pool of cold water instead of anticipating the shock. But that is not realistic and I just need to be patient and handle things one step at a time.
I am worried about how I will handle missing work for appointments. I am not sure what to tell my boss. I already "went to the dentist to get a cavity filled" today. What's next? What do you all tell your bosses?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Clarifying the Future...In One Way Or Another
Well at least one part of my future is clear. Today, I finally saw this-- Decision: Congratulations, you've been admitted! I mean yeah, it is not the BFP I have hoped to see over the years, but it is still exciting! So in January I will be taking classes and working towards becoming a math and science teacher to 4th-8th graders! I am excited about this, and it gives my life a concrete goal/plan.
Since dealing with infertility, the future is so unclear. Will I be pregnant next year? Will we have a baby next year? The year after? Ever?
I have accepted the fact that I need to have goals and a plan and some of it needs to be within my control. So taking classes and working towards another career is just the ticket! New hope, new possibilities. I have always wanted to become a teacher and especially once we have children. I was a substitute teacher briefly and really enjoyed it! Also, it will be nice to have a career where I will have the same schedule as our child(ren).
It feels good to have a decision about something. Something concrete. I needed this! I feel like I can be more patient with fertility treatments now that I have something else major I am working towards. Does anyone else feel like this? Like they need to work towards something they actually have control over while dealing with infertility? If anything, just to maintain sanity?
Since dealing with infertility, the future is so unclear. Will I be pregnant next year? Will we have a baby next year? The year after? Ever?
I have accepted the fact that I need to have goals and a plan and some of it needs to be within my control. So taking classes and working towards another career is just the ticket! New hope, new possibilities. I have always wanted to become a teacher and especially once we have children. I was a substitute teacher briefly and really enjoyed it! Also, it will be nice to have a career where I will have the same schedule as our child(ren).
It feels good to have a decision about something. Something concrete. I needed this! I feel like I can be more patient with fertility treatments now that I have something else major I am working towards. Does anyone else feel like this? Like they need to work towards something they actually have control over while dealing with infertility? If anything, just to maintain sanity?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Patience Really is a Virtue
One week until the RE consultation. News Flash: I am not a patient person. I am working on this, but my IF journey has really been a test of patience...and belief. Two things I struggle with. I am trying to keep busy, but once I decide on a plan I want to dive into it 100%.
So much about IF requires waiting.
Waiting to ditch the BCPs until the time is right to try to have children.
Waiting to ovulate.
Waiting during the 2WW.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting on test results.
Waiting to try again.
Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have applied to begin a masters in teaching degree which I would plan on taking part-time, after work. I had a phone interview last week (which I feel went very well). The program coordinator said that candidates would find out their admissions decision within a week or so. I have been obsessively hitting the refresh button on the application status website in which the same statement is shown in red: No Decision at this Time
I see it over and over again. These words pretty much sum up my life right now. Ugh. I am so sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long. I need answers. I need something absolute. I need to know something definitive so that I can move forward...with something...anything! I feel stagnant and I hate that feeling.
I feel very whiney and I don't think I am normally this whiney. But I am going to be honest on this blog and this is where I am today. Whiney and impatient.
I am also excited and nervous about the consult. I wonder if this RE will have the same plan as the last one (unmedicated IUI). Maybe she will want to re-do all the testing again since they were done a year and a half ago. Maybe she will want to re-do some of the tests. I am hoping another HSG is not going to be ordered. That was not fun. At all.
Above all, I am ready to have a fertility treatment plan. I am ready for concrete steps that my type-A personality can take. I am ready to move forward. Trying on our own and getting BFNs repeatedly feels like we have been banging our heads against the wall. Obviously it is time to move on. I have accepted this. Now I am ready for the next step. Bring it on!
So much about IF requires waiting.
Waiting to ditch the BCPs until the time is right to try to have children.
Waiting to ovulate.
Waiting during the 2WW.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting on test results.
Waiting to try again.
Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have applied to begin a masters in teaching degree which I would plan on taking part-time, after work. I had a phone interview last week (which I feel went very well). The program coordinator said that candidates would find out their admissions decision within a week or so. I have been obsessively hitting the refresh button on the application status website in which the same statement is shown in red: No Decision at this Time
I see it over and over again. These words pretty much sum up my life right now. Ugh. I am so sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long. I need answers. I need something absolute. I need to know something definitive so that I can move forward...with something...anything! I feel stagnant and I hate that feeling.
I feel very whiney and I don't think I am normally this whiney. But I am going to be honest on this blog and this is where I am today. Whiney and impatient.
I am also excited and nervous about the consult. I wonder if this RE will have the same plan as the last one (unmedicated IUI). Maybe she will want to re-do all the testing again since they were done a year and a half ago. Maybe she will want to re-do some of the tests. I am hoping another HSG is not going to be ordered. That was not fun. At all.
Above all, I am ready to have a fertility treatment plan. I am ready for concrete steps that my type-A personality can take. I am ready to move forward. Trying on our own and getting BFNs repeatedly feels like we have been banging our heads against the wall. Obviously it is time to move on. I have accepted this. Now I am ready for the next step. Bring it on!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Where To Start?
About Me:
I am 26 years old, have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have been TTC for 3 years. My TTC journey has an added challenge because I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) when I was 24 years old. If you know anything about CF, you know that it is rare to be diagnosed as an adult. I suffer from a "mild" case and if you would like to learn more about it please email me (ToThoseWhoWait7@gmail.com) and I would be happy to share some info with you. Here is a QUICK summary (CF mostly bothers me w/a persistent cough, and I have to do daily treatments to clear my airways of the thick mucus that can clog them. I have not been "really sick" or hospitalized, or anything like that).
I have another blog that I share with family that talks about my CF journey and touches on our IF struggles. However, I wanted to start a separate TTC blog because as many of you have probably experienced, as much as I open up to family and friends, and express my feelings in the most articulate way possible, they just.don't.get.it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the support I have received from them, but I need a group of people who get it. A place where I can be 100% honest because someone else has probably felt the same way. A place where I can talk about BBTs, SA numbers, Luteal Phases, etc. without explaining what they mean. A place where I can be me.
About Us:
My husband is my best friend, as cliche as that sounds. We met in high school but did not seriously date until college. We have been together for over 7 years, have lived together for 5, and have been married for 3 1/2. We have our struggles like any other couple, but our relationship is my sanity and constant amongst the crazy and turbulent life that has been ours for the past couple of years. We tend to protect each other and "take turns" being stressed or sad, where one person is the rock and the positive one and the other is allowed to be a "mess". Sometimes this works for us, but at other times I wish we would be sad together, or at least be on the same page emotionally. We are working on this...He works for an IT company for Health Care, and I work at a college. Neither of us LOVE our jobs, but they will do for now. I was a counselor for a couple of years, but needed to step back from other people's emotional difficulties while I tried to sort through my own, with being diagnosed with CF and with our IF struggles. I am about to start (slowly) working on a degree in teaching while I am working FT.
Our TTC Journey:
January 2007: Ditched the BCPs
May 2007: Happiest Day of My Life (Got Married)
August 2007: Started TTC (naive me was planning to time things so that our baby would be born right after graduating from my masters program..ha!)
August 2008: After an emotional year of constant BFNs, Ob/Gyn fertility work up (SA results good) Started Clomid, 50mg BFN
September 2008: Clomid 50mg, Round 2, BFN
October 2008: Diagnosed with CF, stopped taking Clomid... had to figure out what this diagnosis meant for us.
November: 2009: DH tests negative for CF carrier test, what a relief! Means that our children have .001% chance of having CF.
February 2009: Consult with RE #1; plan: unmedicated IUI
March 2009: HSG, results (RE says all clear, but ob/gyn says one tube is blocked...?)
April 2009: b/t working full time, IF and CF testing and Drs appointments I was OVERWHELMED. Felt stuck. Too scared and overwhelmed to move forward.
May 2009-July 2010: Halted all ART plans. We needed time to process the CF diagnosis. Not "trying" but not preventing a pregnancy. Just relaxing about TTC = more BFNs
August 2010: Feeling "solid" about CF and life in general. Ready to move forward with TTC assistance.
August 2010-present: Charts look good, but all BFNs
October 2010: Ob/gyn says all looks good, just thick cervical mucus (caused by CF), recommends an RE and is very hopeful for us.
November 15th 2010 (Upcoming): Consult with RE #2
I am nervous and excited to move forward. With what I can piece together from the collective testing from the past couple of years is that our issue might just be cervical mucus, which is the case with many CF women, and so we are hopeful that IUI will be our answer. But I am also guarded because with more hope comes more disappointment if it does not work out.
We are ready to have a family. We feel like we have this abundant amount of love to share with a child. We daydream all the time about our baby and having a family, and all of the fun things we will do together. We are also realistic about it, and are ready for the challenge of a newborn. We are ready for it all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that it will happen for us, even though at times I am so scared that it won't. But I can't let myself go there. For 1) It is too early in the process and 2) It is too sad to think about.
I hope that I can gain (and give) support through this blog because I need it. I have learned how important it is to not feel alone, and to open up honestly to others. I used to think I could handle everything on my own, but now I know it is ok to reach out. So this is me reaching out. Welcome to my blog!
I am 26 years old, have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have been TTC for 3 years. My TTC journey has an added challenge because I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) when I was 24 years old. If you know anything about CF, you know that it is rare to be diagnosed as an adult. I suffer from a "mild" case and if you would like to learn more about it please email me (ToThoseWhoWait7@gmail.com) and I would be happy to share some info with you. Here is a QUICK summary (CF mostly bothers me w/a persistent cough, and I have to do daily treatments to clear my airways of the thick mucus that can clog them. I have not been "really sick" or hospitalized, or anything like that).
I have another blog that I share with family that talks about my CF journey and touches on our IF struggles. However, I wanted to start a separate TTC blog because as many of you have probably experienced, as much as I open up to family and friends, and express my feelings in the most articulate way possible, they just.don't.get.it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the support I have received from them, but I need a group of people who get it. A place where I can be 100% honest because someone else has probably felt the same way. A place where I can talk about BBTs, SA numbers, Luteal Phases, etc. without explaining what they mean. A place where I can be me.
About Us:
My husband is my best friend, as cliche as that sounds. We met in high school but did not seriously date until college. We have been together for over 7 years, have lived together for 5, and have been married for 3 1/2. We have our struggles like any other couple, but our relationship is my sanity and constant amongst the crazy and turbulent life that has been ours for the past couple of years. We tend to protect each other and "take turns" being stressed or sad, where one person is the rock and the positive one and the other is allowed to be a "mess". Sometimes this works for us, but at other times I wish we would be sad together, or at least be on the same page emotionally. We are working on this...He works for an IT company for Health Care, and I work at a college. Neither of us LOVE our jobs, but they will do for now. I was a counselor for a couple of years, but needed to step back from other people's emotional difficulties while I tried to sort through my own, with being diagnosed with CF and with our IF struggles. I am about to start (slowly) working on a degree in teaching while I am working FT.
Our TTC Journey:
January 2007: Ditched the BCPs
May 2007: Happiest Day of My Life (Got Married)
August 2007: Started TTC (naive me was planning to time things so that our baby would be born right after graduating from my masters program..ha!)
August 2008: After an emotional year of constant BFNs, Ob/Gyn fertility work up (SA results good) Started Clomid, 50mg BFN
September 2008: Clomid 50mg, Round 2, BFN
October 2008: Diagnosed with CF, stopped taking Clomid... had to figure out what this diagnosis meant for us.
November: 2009: DH tests negative for CF carrier test, what a relief! Means that our children have .001% chance of having CF.
February 2009: Consult with RE #1; plan: unmedicated IUI
March 2009: HSG, results (RE says all clear, but ob/gyn says one tube is blocked...?)
April 2009: b/t working full time, IF and CF testing and Drs appointments I was OVERWHELMED. Felt stuck. Too scared and overwhelmed to move forward.
May 2009-July 2010: Halted all ART plans. We needed time to process the CF diagnosis. Not "trying" but not preventing a pregnancy. Just relaxing about TTC = more BFNs
August 2010: Feeling "solid" about CF and life in general. Ready to move forward with TTC assistance.
August 2010-present: Charts look good, but all BFNs
October 2010: Ob/gyn says all looks good, just thick cervical mucus (caused by CF), recommends an RE and is very hopeful for us.
November 15th 2010 (Upcoming): Consult with RE #2
I am nervous and excited to move forward. With what I can piece together from the collective testing from the past couple of years is that our issue might just be cervical mucus, which is the case with many CF women, and so we are hopeful that IUI will be our answer. But I am also guarded because with more hope comes more disappointment if it does not work out.
We are ready to have a family. We feel like we have this abundant amount of love to share with a child. We daydream all the time about our baby and having a family, and all of the fun things we will do together. We are also realistic about it, and are ready for the challenge of a newborn. We are ready for it all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that it will happen for us, even though at times I am so scared that it won't. But I can't let myself go there. For 1) It is too early in the process and 2) It is too sad to think about.
I hope that I can gain (and give) support through this blog because I need it. I have learned how important it is to not feel alone, and to open up honestly to others. I used to think I could handle everything on my own, but now I know it is ok to reach out. So this is me reaching out. Welcome to my blog!
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