To Those Who Wait

Changes

2011-06-22T16:22:00.000-04:00

I have been doing a bad job at keeping up with this blog. I realized it is because I have not been sure of the direction I want it to take. So after a lot of thinking, I have decided to end this blog and the IF chapter of my life. I know that it will always be a part of me and I will never forget all that we went through, but I just feel it is time. I have another blog that I talk more about life with CF and pregnancy, and would be glad to have any of you that want to follow along on there. Just send me an email (tothosewhowait7@gmail.com) and I will give you the link.

I appreciate the support I have recieved from the IF community more than I can express. I will continue to follow the journeys of those who have opened their lives to me and I will always be thinking of you and hoping for you.

Poked & Proded

2011-06-16T10:04:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what I was thinking when I scheduled 3 doctors appointments within 24 hours (Tues/Wed) but I did it and here are the updates:

Perinatologist (MFM): Cervix looked good, babies looked good. She put me back on the monitor which showed mild uterine irritability (but looked better than last week). The plan: take things week by week, and continue another 48 hours of the anti-inflammatory meds.

CF Clinic: Went well for the most part. My pulmonary health seems to only be impaired very midling and I am so happy to see that things did not get worse even though the babies and my belly are much bigger. The doc asked me if I was exercising. Really!? Ummmm I am pretty much on bedrest lady. It was exercise to get to this appointment.

OB: Blood pressure was good, weight good, babies looked good, cervix good. As of yesterday (23w1d) I am measuring 39 weeks in a singleton pregnancy. The doc said I can anticipate some back and forth with admits to the hospital before these babies are born and possibly being on bedrest in the hospital later on until they are born. He also mentioned that next week (at 24 weeks) I might receive a steroid shot to help develop the babies' lungs in the event that they are born very early. I took my Gestational Diabetes test yesterday and will get a call today or tomorrow if they were bad.

Since we are getting so close the "critical period" of 24-28 weeks I have noticed that fears are trying to creep in. I just want these girls to be born healthy so bad. But for the most part I am keeping fears at bay and staying positive. Here is what my life consists of lately: Netflix, FarmVille, Couponing, Reading, Eating, Sleeping, and Sitting in the girls' room looking at everything and imagining them here.

Today I am stopping by work (quickly) to fill out my termination paperwork, return files, and say goodbyes. I am ready to have a clean break from work and to not worry about checking in or filling out any paperwork with them although it will be sad to say goodbye. They have been so supportive and even sent me flowers while I was in the hospital. But it is time to prepare for my and toughest job to date: mom to triplets!

Hello Again and Lots of Updates

2011-06-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

Is anyone still out there? I am so sorry I have not blogged in over 2 weeks! Things have been hectic to say the least. Let's start with some quick updates to bring you up to speed:

-I am 22w4d pregnant today
-Baby A & Baby C weigh 1lb 3oz; Baby B weighs 1lb 2oz
-The girls look healthy and perfect
-I am no longer working
-I am kind of on bedrest (more on that in a sec)

22w Triplet Belly

This pregnancy has had its minor bumps within the past month. My cervix started shortening at a concerning rate. One week it lost almost a whole centimeter. But I cut back on work and general activity and it lengthened back and seems to be holding strong and is not a concern now.

At Tuesday's doctors appointment I mentioned to the MFM that I had been feeling different and my belly felt tight and my back was hurting. After scanning my cervix and the babies (which looked great) she put me on a monitor to measure uterine activity. The results concerned her a little because it showed "uterine irritability" and some minor contractions. She thought it could be due to dehydration so I was immediately admitted to the hospital and put on IV fluids and some meds to relax the uterus. After staying there for 48 hours with little to no change I was discharged. They did think I have a UTI and gave me antibiotics to take home with me.

The whole thing was a little scary, and confusing. On one hand they seemed concerned, and on the other it was no big deal. I guess what is happening right now is normal, but we don't want it to progress...? That is the best summary I can think of. So I am to be on bedrest (not strict bedrest, but really laying around as much as possible) until my follow up on Tuesday. Sorry if that synopsis did not make sense, but that is the best I can do with trying to keep it short.

If you are still out there reading, thank you! I am sure I am going to be blogging a lot more, commenting a lot more, and participating in ICLW this month as I have plenty of time on my hands. Please give me a shout out if you are still here!

I am sorry I have neglected my poor blog!

20 Week Update

2011-05-24T19:00:00.000-04:00

Today's 20 week doctor's appointment had some good news, and some not so good news. Let's start with the good news:

The babies are doing great! They are still on the larger side for their gestational age: Baby A weighs 12oz and Baby B & C weigh 13oz. They were very active as usual during the ultrasound and they were all more stretched out and looked less cramped up than at the last one. The ultrasound tech assured me that they have lots of room in there to grow and that they are still "beastly". All three of their hearts were beating in unison at 150 bmp. Isn't that the cutest! They are syncing up with each other :)

Now for the not so great news...my cervix has shorted about a centimeter. Our doctor was somewhat concerned about it. Not so much about what the measurement itself was (between 2.6-3.0cm) but at the rate of which it is shortening. She said we need to do what we can to preserve its length to avoid hospital bed rest in the near future. So she said I need to cut back even more from work. She said I can go in 2 days a week only and work from home 3 days a week. I am not sure if this is even an option at my job. If it is not then I guess I am ending work earlier than expected. I really hope it doesn't come to that this soon, but I guess I will find out when I talk to my bosses tomorrow. The doc said I can go in tomorrow, but that I need to take off Thurs and Fri. Monday I already have off b/c of Memorial Day, so it looks like I will be taking a total of 5 days off. She wants to see me back in a week.

I think that a couple of months ago I got in the mindset that this was going to be an unpredictable journey with lots of ups and downs, and at that point I relinquished most of my control. So I am not too surprised by this news. I am just taking it for what it is, and will do what my doctor recommends. No need to panic now, just taking things one step at a time and doing what I need to do.

There was a moment during the ultrasound where I just thought to myself, I just love them so much, and I started to get teary eyed. I am already so bonded to these girls. I get to watch them grow and change every week and I amazed and proud of them every time I see them. Everything they do is cute...even in utero! Putting their hands by their faces, kicking each other, making sucking faces. It is all just so cute! :) I am in love already.

19w1d Appointment Update & A Plan

2011-05-19T09:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had an OB appointment and it went well. At these appointments they do a quick ultrasound to check heartbeats and then it is mostly about me (blood pressure, weight, cervix check, measuring my uterus, etc).

The girls were very active during the ultrasound yesterday--I asked them to take a peak to confirm that they were indeed, still all girls...I have heard too many stories about doctors being wrong. I was relieved to confirm that they are still all girls! Baby A ('Lil A) and Baby C (Ci Ci) were basically folded in half with their little legs almost touching their heads. The tech said that was normal for any baby and that babies are really flexible in utero. 'Lil A was having snack time and kept moving her little mouth around like she was sucking up the amniotic fluid. All 3 heartbeats were great and I did not get dizzy during the ultrasound! Yea!

BP was good, weight was good (and high), cervix good, and the doc said that my uterus is measuring around 32-33 cm which is about the size of a 32-33 week singleton pregnancy! When my doctor first came into the room he said "Wow, you have really blossomed". It made me laugh.

Doc said he does not want me working past 24 weeks. I am totally ok with this and feel relieved that we have a plan. He said things can change before that, but assuming all remains well until, my last day of work will be June 21st which is only 4 1/2 weeks away!

We talked a little about my breathing difficulties and that is one reason why he wants to remain cautious and no work past 24 weeks. He said in order to maximize cardiac output I will need to be basically resting all the time. He did not use the words "BED REST" per say, so maybe I will just be taking it easy. Who knows...but I like having a plan, even if it is a loose one.

At the beginning of the pregnancy time was going by so slow. I couldn't wait to start showing and to stop feeling nauseous. Now it seems like time is flying by and that the babies will be here before we know it. They can safely (using this term loosely) arrive anywhere between 13-18 weeks from now...how crazy is that!? The longer the better and my goal is to make it to 35 weeks. At 35 weeks they say that babies have learned most of what they need to know in utero and if there are no complications can probably go home with mommy and daddy. I know there are no guarantees but it doesn't hurt to remain positive and optimistic. "They" also say that preemie girls tend to do much better than preemie boys so we have that on our side as well. Go girls, go! Keep growing big and strong and be nice to each other!

Updated belly pic coming soon!

Proud Mama

2011-05-12T08:40:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday we had our 18 week appointment with our MFM. I learned that they basically do a full anatomy scan on each of the babies at every ultrasound because it is almost impossible for them to get all the measurements they need from each of the babies during one session. The girls looked great! They are getting so big. They each weighed 9 oz which puts them in the 75-86th percentile. The average weight of a fetus at 18 weeks is 6.7 oz (or something like that). The tech also told me it was very rare for all 3 of them to weigh the same. I think they are competitive with each other already!

I am so proud of them! The ultrasound tech said we had some beastly babies, and I took that as a great compliment. We want big, healthy babies. Since they will be born early the bigger they can be the better. The MFM said from all the measurements she was able to get they all looked remarkably healthy. It was such a relief to walk out of that appointment. Like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me.

Baby C has already migrated way up almost to my ribs. I can't believe she is already all the way up there. I had been feeling what I thought was movement right under my left rib, and the ultrasound confirmed it. So crazy!

Today was a big milestone. I knew the day would come, I just didn't think it would come so soon...I outweigh my husband! Now, he isn't a very large guy--he has a thin build and is only 5'9/5'10. It is just a weird feeling to outweigh him! I have gained almost 20 lbs in 18w2d! It seems to be that all 4 of us girls are gaining weight nicely :) Looks like the high protein diet (and my splurges) are paying off.

Growing Pains

2011-05-06T08:58:00.002-04:00

For the past several evenings (around dinner time each day) I have been experiencing some pain/pressure/tightness down low on my uterus. The pain seemed to be getting progressively worse each night. So on the way home for work on Wed I called my OBs office. The nurse suggested that if it were to happen again tonight that I should go the ER.

I was already having the pain as we spoke so I drove straight to the hospital. They did an ultrasound (which looked good) and a urine test for a UTI (which came back negative). They sent me on my way and said they felt it was just "growing pains".

The next day I followed up with my MFM who told me she would like to see me that day. I took the day off work to rest and went on in. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes. They did a vaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix. It was at 4.0cm which is very good! The hospital measured it (via abdominal ultrasound) the day before at 3.2cm. The MFM told me that the most accurate way to measure a cervix is via vaginal ultrasound.

So anyway, she told me that the pressure/pain I am experiencing is normal, but usually does not happen this early. She said she thinks it is time to start cutting back on my work hours. Her recommendation is 6 hour work days instead of 8 for now. So today I need to talk to my boss and see if this is ok. I am happy with this solution because I do feel like my body is telling me to take it easier.

First and foremost, I am so relieved that everything is ok with the babies. Secondly, I am trying not to allow these so called "growing pains" to worry me, but they either make me think something is wrong or cause me to fear the discomfort that lies ahead. I know that some stretching/pulling is considered normal, but sometimes I feel that what I am experiencing is beyond that.

It is time to trust that everything is ok and let go of the rest. This is my new mantra and I am going to try so hard to live by this. Sometimes that damn fear is just so tempting.

17 Week Triplet Belly

2011-05-03T19:04:00.001-04:00

Growing By The Second

Go Away Fear, You Are Not Welcome Here

2011-05-02T10:20:00.001-04:00

This weekend we hit a big milestone. We started registering for gifts for our baby girls. I had no idea I would feel emotional about it. But while walking around the stores with my DH and picking and choosing the baby items really made me pause and feel so grateful. Planning for a shower feels surreal. There were several times throughout our TTC journey when my doubts and fears overwhelmed me and I thought I might never be sitting at my own baby shower, or that I would never have a need to register for baby products.

But here we are. Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks. I got teary-eyed just picking things up off the shelf and picturing OUR baby/babies using them. I know to some that this is early to register, but I don't really have much of a choice. I am getting more uncomfortable by the day, and to avoid missing my shower due to possible bed rest, my first (having 2) shower is in less than 4 weeks!!

Registering was a lot of fun. I did research on products and even made a spreadsheet (I know, a little much) before we hit the stores so that we wouldn't feel overwhelmed with all that we needed. It is very hard to stick to a "theme" when buying products for 3 babies, and instead of getting them all the same thing (when it comes to things like swings and exersaucers) we were pretty much all over the place and things don't all match. I even threw in a lot of blues and greens even though they are girls, because I love those colors. I am also not sure how much I could tolerate a whole house full of pink.

Their nursery will be brown and pink for the most part, so don't worry, the pink will have its place :) This weekend my parents are coming into town and they have generously offered to purchase the babies' cribs, so we will be crib hunting. We are so lucky, and it is such a relief financially to not have to buy three cribs.

As I get further along in the pregnancy I notice that all kinds of fears try to creep into my consciousness. It is like the more I settle into my pregnancy, the more some defense mechanism wants to comes out telling me to protect myself. I have done a fairly good job of ignoring that part of me, but it is there deep down somewhere. Do we all have that? I am DETERMINED not to let fear ruin this experience. I have ultrasounds pretty much weekly...what more proof do I need that everything is ok with the babies? Also my daily belly growth should be enough proof, but still at times I find myself fearing worst case scenarios. I really just remind myself that there is no reason to worry unless I have a reason to worry. I try to relax. And I try to just appreciate every single moment.

Pink, Pink, Pink It Is!

2011-04-27T08:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had my 16 week check up with my perinatologist and she confirmed that we are indeed expecting three little ladies! The girls looked great and are each weighing in at a whopping 5 oz each. She said they were in the 70th-ish percentile so I am very proud of my little ones. I guess me feeling like the life is being sucked out of me is worth it because it seems like they are taking what they need from me.

It is such a relief to see the babies on the u/s and to know they are doing good. I can't believe how high up Baby C is already (almost to my ribs)!

I have my cervix checked at each appointment and the doc said that 3 weeks ago it measured at 4.0 cm, but yesterday measured at 3.7 cm. She said it was not too much of a cause of concern right now, just something she will be looking at closely, and would like to start seeing me every 2 weeks. Remember, I also see an OB, so it looks like I am about to start weekly appointments (since alternating between the two). A shortening/weakening cervix could be cause for bedrest so I am hoping for it to stay very strong!

After the appointment we took a private tour of the NICU. The nurse was so nice and informative. One of the first things she said to me was, "I know you hear all the scary stories, but you need to know that we have plenty of triplets born who we don't even see in the NICU because they go home with their mommy and daddy". It is very helpful for me to hear the positive stories. We saw some tiny babies in there and I just wanted to hold all of them. I feel a lot better having seen the NICU and having the nurse explain things like visiting policies, and what to expect in the NICU. She told me to be sure I take the "regular" tour also, so I will make sure to do that.

Although on some level this whole thing is still pretty surreal, it is already becoming normal. And now I am really getting excited about their arrival. Outside of massive dizzy spells I am feeling great and just taking things day by day.

Thanks for the supportive comments about my family/financial drama. They really helped. DH has been talking to his dad about figuring something out. Let's hope for some resolution that is manageable!

Family/Financial Issues Vent

2011-04-25T11:47:00.000-04:00

There has been a situation that I am really trying to not get worked up about, but I am having a very hard time so I am going to vent about it here. I know that this stress is not good for the pregnancy so I really need some help in not letting it get to me.

A little background: My DH and I have been together since college when we were broke and our parents didn't give us very much money to live on. Then I started grad school so we were living on one income. Long story short, we have never been the most financially stable, and only recently have had enough money to pursue fertility treatments and to start saving for a baby. Once the triplets are born I will not be returning to work for many reasons (impossible to afford childcare for 3 babies, I want to raise my children, childcare would be a logistical nightmare, etc), so we will once again be living on one income.

The Situation: My DH's parents are divorced. It was his parents' agreement that they would each pay for half of his college education. Right before Christmas, his father told his mother (via email) that he was "done" with his half and that it was her turn to pick up the student loans for her half. Instead of them working things out on their own, DH's mom came to DH and said she couldn't afford to take them over and asked if he would handle it. For some reason, it is IMPOSSIBLE for my DH to confront his mother about anything. He talked to his dad about it and his dad said he would take care of it.

Fast forward, almost 6 months, and last week I got a call from a collections agency. Apparently no one has "taken care of" or paid the student loans since before Christmas and the account has been turned over to a collections agency in my husband's name. We have to pay an additional $2k to remove the delinquency and then back to payments for the remaining $5k of the student loan.

I am freaking out because we CANNOT afford to take on this added expense right now. We are already concerned with being able to afford care for 3 babies on one income. Adding another monthly payment is next to impossible. We are already have some debt we are trying to pay off and a very little amount of money in savings.

I am PISSED at my MIL because she constantly plays the victim, she is passive aggressive, and avoids any potential conflict. She should have just worked things out with my FIL instead of going to my DH with it. I feel HELPLESS because there is nothing I can do in this situation to take care of it, and it is not my place to ask his parents to try to resolve this. DH just wants us to figure this out on our own. How in the world are we going to afford 3 babies!?!?! How will we make ends meet? Just when I feel like we are getting ahead financially we are taken back by this and I feel like it was not our fault. I am so scared of what this financial stress is going to do to us once the babies are hear, and for what it is already doing.

I am not sure how you can help. I am hoping for any advice or support. I am allowing this to make me anxious and upset, and I know that is the last thing I need to be right now. If you made it this far...THANK YOU!

Before and During Pics

2011-04-24T08:27:00.000-04:00

CD1, 0w1d pregnant. I have to admit I was flexing...

15w4 Triplet Belly

Hope everyone has a great Easter! :)

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

2011-04-21T08:57:00.001-04:00

What do I do when I feel overwhelmed? Make lists of course! All of a sudden at 15w2d pregnant I feel like time is running out to get everything done that I need to. I think I have mentioned before that my MFM informed me that some women who are pregnant with triplets don't need bedrest at all, while some need it as early as 18-20 weeks. I am being very optimistic that the later won't be me, but I would also like to be prepared in the event that it could be.

My mom is throwing me a shower for family/friends on May 29th and I will be just over 20 weeks (and the size of a 30+ week singleton pregnancy). I have been adamant about not wanting to possibly miss my one and only baby shower because I might be on bedrest so we aired on the side of cautioned and planned to have it early as I am told most triplet moms do. So that means the shower is in less than 6 weeks and we have not registered yet.

My first list is of things we want to register for. The list is mighty long. If you think about all the things you need for one baby and multiply almost everything by 3 that's my list. Of course there are some things we won't need 3 of, but for the most part this list is overwhelmingly long. But I keep telling myself that we can make do with whatever we have and that there are a lot of things on that list that are not "necessities".

My second list is a list of people to invite to the shower. I can't wait to share in this excitement with all of them! At the same time it feels surreal that we are already planning my baby shower. Not so long ago I wasn't sure if this event would ever happen.

My third list is a to-do list in which I am trimming the fat on our budget. Since we will be living on one modest income after the babies are born, we really need to cut corners. I am researching cheaper phone, cable, etc plans just to trim things down a bit.

My fourth list is a general household to-do list. There are many things we need to do to prepare for the babies like moving furniture around, fixing a couple of things around the house, etc. We plan on starting the nursery within the next month.

I feel like everything is fast forwarded with a HOM (higher order multiple) pregnancy. And I suppose it is, seeing as though an average triplet pregnancy lasts 32 weeks. Imagine taking 2 months off the entire process. I know we will be ready, but all of a sudden time is ticking and I would like to be as prepared as we can in the event that I am a prisoner to my bed and can't do anything but sit around and think about all the things I wish I could have taken care of.

So those are my lists, and as I cross each item off I feel a little better.

BTW, one last update: My OB's office called yesterday to inform me that my hemoglobin was low. I was already taking iron supplements 3xs a week since my OB said that anemia is very common in HOM pregnancies, but the nurse told me to take daily from now on. I was kind of glad to hear this in a way, because maybe that has been the cause of my dizziness, and if so, I am hoping that by upping my iron intake it will alleviate that!

Changes

2011-04-18T10:35:00.001-04:00

My body is changing so rapidly I can't keep up with it. Last night was a real eye opener for me. During almost the whole first trimester I wasn't too keen on any physical intimacy with DH. I felt sick and tired most of the time. Well, since about 12 weeks when things started to improve, intimacy was green lighted once again! Last night was horrible and I just wanted to share...maybe TMI, but I will be tasteful.

DH and I were BD (can we still call it that even though we already made the babies?) and we had to keep stopping and taking breaks because I was getting dizzy and out of breath. It was really annoying and I did not want to stop, but I also did not want to pass out. It also felt like there was something between us (because there was! a belly with three babies in it). That was weird. We had to be creative with positioning and we worked something out that was mutually beneficial.

Immediately after I started crying (hormonal much?). I feel like my body is not mine anymore and I am completely ok with that 99% of the time. But if I am being honest, there are times when things start to get uncomfortable that it becomes frustrating. It also made me fear what is ahead a little. I am going to get HUGE and I am not going to be able to do most things. With a higher order multiple pregnancy some/most doctors do not want you having intercourse past 20 weeks because it can cause contractions. But really, this whole breakdown wasn't about the sex itself...it is more about some of my fear with what is to come and the limitations that are going to be placed on my body. Last night I had trouble making it through some very easy, gentle intimacy. Breaks!? It just felt so weird. It made me afraid of all the little things that are going to make me feel out of breath/dizzy or that I won't even be able to do for myself. Thinking about how uncomfortable I will get that I won't be able to sleep. Yikes.

I try to live in the moment and enjoy things one day at a time and I really do a good job of that! But last night was quite the wake up call of how much is changing and will continue to change. The sacrifices are WELL worth it, but it is a strange thing to not really have control of your body anymore. I keep telling myself that I can do it. I guess I should try not to catastrophize and just chalk it up to a bad day...

I hope no one is offended by this post. I truly feel like I can be 100% honest here because of how supportive you all are, and also because of the anonymity. I thought maybe others can relate and if not I could just have an outlet.

14w3d OB Updates

2011-04-15T12:34:00.000-04:00

Had an OB appointment today. I love going to the doctor's appointments. Not only do we get to see the babies each time, but I get to ask all of the questions that have been floating around in my head for the past week or so.

The babies looked great on the ultrasound. This tech (different office) is also thinking 3 girls, but also made it a point to say that it was still early at 14w3d. One of the babies looked like she was punching the other. The fights are already starting! I was laying flat on my back during the ultrasound and started getting extremely dizzy (like almost pass out dizzy) so she had me turn on my side and I felt better. She and the doc explained that when the uterus expands if you lay flat it constricts the major arteries that bring blood and oxygen to your head. They said it happens a lot and not to worry. But that is why you should not lay flat on our back after 20 weeks (and for me and my quick growing uterus, now).

The doctor said things looks great so far! The two main things we check and are concerned with are blood pressure and cervix. Those are the two main reasons (other than babies being in distress) for pre-term delivery and also indicators of needing bed rest. My BP today was a nice 105/59 and he said my cervix was "long, thick, strong, and beautiful". Sorry to explain my parts in such detail, but I was so proud of my cervix that I just had to share. I told my husband that my cervix is like steel and is probably why we couldn't get pregnant...at least now it is a benefit! Not necessarily true but I like to find the silver lining. So at each appointment we hope for low blood pressure and a strong cervix that has not shortened.

The most interesting thing I learned today was how much my uterus has grown and moved up. He showed me where it was (up between my belly button and rib cage). And I could even feel it! It is amazing how much is changing in my body so quickly.

Next I headed over to my appointment with the dietitian who specializes in multiple pregnancies. Honestly, I think it was a waste of $95. She was very pleased with my ALREADY 12LB weight gain!! We only met for 30 minutes and she gave me a handout with notes about things to eat, what to be careful with, etc. I think she could have just emailed me the handout and I would have gotten the same from it. But anyway, the 3 main take homes were that I need 100 oz of fluid per day, 120 grams of protein, and at least a 50 lb weight gain! It was a nice reminder to eat protein with each meal and there were some helpful suggestions on the list for ways to incorporate protein.

Most women have frequent urination as a first trimester symptom...but this has been a new development for me. And let's just say that coughing is risky these days. Someone (or more) must be growing very close to my bladder. The headaches seem to be getting better. I am definitely feeling the growing pains of my uterus and it some times wakes me up at night. Feels like stretching and pulling and soreness. Understandable considering how fast I am growing! Overall the saying that the second trimester is the best trimester is proving to be true. I try not to think about how uncomfortable I will be in the future and enjoy being able to move around while I can.

So that's about it! Now I am at work trying to pretend like I am doing something when all I want to do is think about babies and enjoy my weekend! Happy Friday to all and have a great weekend!

14 Weeks and Reflections

2011-04-12T09:04:00.002-04:00

14 Weeks today! What a milestone! No matter who you ask I am officially, officially in the second trimester! I love Tuesdays because we get bumped up to the next week.

When I reflect back on the first trimester, I can't believe how far we've come in this pregnancy and yet we've only just begun this journey in some ways...

It all started with a very faint BFP on 10dpiui. I remember taking HPTs almost daily up until my first ultrasound (for about 2 weeks). I still have all the tests! At the time I wanted to believe it was finally happening, but I needed to see it!

And then our first ultrasound at 5w6d on Valentine's Day. I will never forget the ultrasound tech's first words after taking a look "well, this is interesting". Our lives changed forever that day when we saw 3 sacs. I have never been so shocked in my life. I truly did not know what to think other than to be elated that we had achieved pregnancy. Although there were only 2 heartbeats at the time, I think deep down I knew the third would come around...and it did.

Then fear set in. I had doubts about my ability to carry 3 babies. I was scared for them and I was scared for me. But soon after seeing 3 heartbeats our hearts were made up and these were our babies no matter what and we were up for the challenge.

Next was nausea...it was like having the worst hangover every single day for about 5 weeks. But of course it is worth it.

And now here we are in the second trimester and I am so in love with these beings that are living inside of me. The nausea has subsided and headaches have replaced it...oh well, I would rather have headaches. I am really proud of myself for not letting fear ruin this experience for me. Of course scary and irrational thoughts pop into my brain, but I have done a really good job of pushing them aside and feeling strong and confident. I have my moments, but they are just that...moments.

This Friday (14w3d) I have an OB appointment and an appointment with a dietitian who specializes in pregnancies with multiples. I have gained 9 lbs and my stomach has popped (belly pics to come) but I have a long way to go as far as growth and weight. I can't wait to see the babies again and to see how they have grown. I am in awe of what is taking place and even feeling sentimental that this might/probably will be my only pregnancy. It is just amazing how much I have changed both physically and emotionally since that faint BFP. I hope so much that the rest of this pregnancy is healthy and happy and that I can handle any challenges that arise...because of course, there will be challenges. I do think it is important to stop and reflect and give ourselves credit every once in awhile :) Thanks for letting me share!

13 Week Whirlwind and Thinking Very Pink!

2011-04-06T13:12:00.002-04:00

The past few days have felt like a whirlwind. There have been some major developments: 1) I entered the second trimester (well, according to some, I am 13w1d) 2) We have announced the pregnancy to more than just our close friends 3) I told my bosses and 4) We had our NT scan yesterday and the doctor thinks she knows the genders already!

1. Some say the second trimester is 12 weeks, some say 13, and some say 14. I am going to go with the mean and say 13 weeks which puts me into the second trimester. Whooo hoooo! I already feel better. Most of my morning sickness has gone away and the most annoying symptom is headaches. But I will take headaches over the nausea any day! I truly feel like I am "enjoying the pregnancy".

2. I allowed my dad to post a status update on his Facebook because he has been dying to tell his "friends". It has been fun to read everyone's comments congratulating him and us. I put a brief little something on my profile on FB about expecting triplets this fall, but I just don't think I want to do a big status update yet. DH and I were out and about and ran into an old high school friend and he asked what we have been up to and if we have kids yet and I said "they are on their way" and patted my belly. He didn't ask any further questions, but it was fun to say it out loud.

3. I told my bosses today and told them that I will not be returning after the babies are born. They were very happy and excited for me (and shocked), but also sad that I am leaving. It might not have been the smartest financial decision to tell them I am not coming back (I will have to pay extra for my insurance--but it is not that bad), but I feel good that they know the truth and I can leave this job with closure and integrity.

4. I saved the best for last. Yesterday at the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist/Perinatologist) we had our NT scan. She has to send the results off but she said from what she could tell they babies looked "fabulous". We got to take great, long looks at each of them as she took measurements. Baby A & Baby C measured 1 day ahead at 13w1d, and Baby B measured 5 days ahead at 13w5d. They were beautiful and I loved every second I was watching them.

She asked us if we wanted to know the genders and we said yes! She told us that nothing is 100% this early, but that she is "fairy certain" that Baby A and Baby C are girls. She could not get a good look at Baby B with how he/she was positioned but from what she could see, she was also thinking girl. So we might have 3 girls!! I can't believe that! I know that it is early though so I am taking in stride and will know more for sure after the next couple of scans. But the idea of 3 little princesses just makes me smile :)

April Fools Announcemet?

2011-04-01T09:45:00.000-04:00

This morning I thought it would clever to make the big Facebook announcement about this triplet pregnancy. People would think it was an April Fool's joke since people are posting all sorts of outlandish status updates today. I just thought it would be a fun way to share the news. But I just couldn't pull the trigger for several reasons:

1. I know what it feels like to be dealing with IF and seeing pregnancy announcements via Facebook. It hurts, and I don't want to possibly cause others the pain that I have experienced.

2. Does it even need to be announced? I think maybe putting something in my profile at some point might be sufficient, and people who know would probably make comments on my wall, tag pictures of me pregnant, etc. Is a big status update announcement necessary?

3. At 12w3d I feel pretty secure in this pregnancy, but triplet pregnancies are high risk all the way, is it worth risking in sharing the news? If not now, then when would I feel comfortable?

4. The only "pro" in making the announcement is to share in our excitement with others. It is an exciting time in our lives and sometimes when I find myself letting fears in, seeing others' excitement helps me stay positive.

Pretty much everyone who knows about our IF struggles also knows about this pregnancy. So all that is left are friends from college and highschool, etc. Maybe it is none of their business anyway. I don't know. I feel so conflicted.

Disclaimer: I know this is not something to complain about or make a big deal about. I just wanted to share and sort through some thoughts about making the "big announcement".

Also, people at work do not know yet (although, who am I kidding my belly is growing and growing). I am waiting until after Tuesday's appointment to share the news with bosses/colleagues. And I am not FB friends with anyone from work so they would not find out there.

I guess I answered my own question by writing this post in saying that I am just not ready. Maybe I will just know if/when the time is right.

I Miss You Sleep

2011-03-28T11:49:00.003-04:00

I used to be the kind of person that had no problem falling asleep or staying asleep and really had to get my 8 hours in. Since getting pregnant this has changed, and I have developed insomnia. It sucks...really bad.

Sometimes I can fall sleep with no problem...but then I am up almost every hour and I have a hard time falling back asleep. Sometimes it even takes me an hour to fall back asleep. It is driving me nuts because I am exhausted while I am at work. But then when it is time to sleep my body/mind say no.

Is it nature's way of preparing me for sleep depravation? I've heard it gets better in the second trimester. I've heard everything gets better in the second trimester for most. I can't wait. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow, but some call 13 or 14 the official start to the second trimester. Please let me have my sleep back!

My DH is really starting to get irritated with my lack of sleep. My tossing and turning has disrupted his sleep. I feel bad for him, but I feel worse for me! haha. I am afraid if I keep it up we will be sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I don't like the thought of that.

I know there are all these herbal remedies and such, but I am overly paranoid about taking anything while pregnant (unless absolutely necessary). My OB welcome packet even says that Tylenol PM is safe, but I am such a worry wart about that kind of thing. I would give anything right now for a peaceful, restful, full night's sleep!

Opening Up About IF After IF

2011-03-25T14:37:00.001-04:00

We have slowly started sharing our pregnancy news with our friends. (No FB announcements, and work doesn't know yet). We both play tennis out of the neighborhood I grew up in and are very close with our teammates (most are my parents age). I told my ladies team the news last week. They were so happy for us, and those that are close to us know we had been trying for a long time. I didn't mind it when a few of them asked me if the triplets happened naturally. I am open to sharing that we had some help. I am not ashamed of it. I almost feel like it is pretty obvious since we have no multiples in our families, it took us so long to conceive, and hello...triplets (although I know spontaneous trips can and do occur).

Anyway, what really bothers me is when someone I am not close to (or hardly know in the example I am about to give) asks me if this pregnancy was "natural". I walked down to the courts to watch my husband's match last weekend, and word travels fast in that neighborhood, so as I walked up to a group of people they were all congratulating me. One woman, whom I have only had small talk with, congratulated me and the next thing out of her mouth was "did this happen naturally?" She asked in front of a bunch of people like it was no big deal. I was caught off guard. I think that is such an inappropriate question to ask someone you are not close with. It is none of her business how we conceived our babies. I would NEVER ask someone that question, even being knowledgeable about IF and having gone through fertility treatments, if I didn't know them very well.

I wasn't sure what to say, and I didn't want to be rude so I just gave a vague answer and said "we had a little help" and left it at that.

I know that people are curious about multiples, but asking someone if they went through fertility treatments is asking them to be vulnerable in front of you, and when you don't know them that well, it is just awkward and inappropriate. I think I better get used to it, because I am sure I will continue to be asked this question, even by strangers after the babies are born. People are nosey...and those that haven't been through IF really don't get what a loaded question they are asking and what going through IF means to someone.

They have no idea what it took to get where we are now. Now, one of my teammates that has twins via IVF asked me and I was gladly open with her about the details. I know she gets it. But when asked by someone you hardly know...or even a stranger!? I can't think of a better word than inappropriate.

Welcome ICLW

2011-03-21T11:09:00.002-04:00

Welcome ICLWers! Here is some quick info to catch you up: After 3+ years of TTC via charting, temping, timed intercourse, month after month of devastation, etc, we decided to move onto the big guns and pursue ART. I was scared, and had a lot of emotional processing to do to be able to get to the point of actually moving forward with it. I know IUI is a baby step in terms of ART, but for some reason I just wasn't ready until recently. We weren't officially diagnosed with a fertility issue but I am 99% sure it was a CM issue due to another medical condition I have.

Anyway, this January we had our first IUI and our clinic called our medication protocol "min stim", or minimal stimulation. Well, that minimal stimulation resulted in me being pregnant with triplets! I released 3 follicles and all three were fertilized, resulting in our fraternal trio.

I will be 11 Weeks tomorrow, and boy has it been a roller coaster of emotions. The babies look great so far, and outside of exhaustion and morning sickness, things are going great with the pregnancy. Above all I feel lucky and extremely grateful, but I do battle fears along the way.

For 3+ years my fear was that I would never become a biological mom. I thought that once I got pregnant (if it ever happened), that it would be sunshine and roses, and all my fears would magically disappear. Well, that hasn't quite been the case, and I realize now, that fear and anxiety are parts of my personality I struggle with no matter what the big life situation is. It was infertility and it is now being pregnant with triplets.

I do allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy and to be appreciative of what is taking place. I don't allow the fear to consume me. I am forever working on finding that delicate balance of acknowledging fear without it taking over. I am very excited about this challenge and adventure. We always wanted a big family, we just never thought it would happen all at once!

Life is crazy and unpredictable. The more I try to plan the more I become surprised with what life brings me. I think that pretty much sums it up. Welcome to my blog and thanks for stopping by!

Coming up: Last week I saw a perinatologist and this week (Wed) will be my first OB appointment.

10 Week Appointment with Perinatologist

2011-03-16T11:24:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we met with the perinatologist, and it was a bit overwhelming. They did an ultrasound and we got the see the babies. They actually looked like little babies and they were moving! It was amazing. After the scan we talked to the actual doctor. She was very straightforward and said she wanted to share all the information on triplet pregnancies/birth so that we could make an informed decision about selective reduction. I told her we were not thinking about that unless there was a clear danger (beyond that of just a "normal" triplet pregnancy) to me or the babies. But she went ahead with her facts and figures anyway.

The conversation started off very scary. She spouted off things like "97% of singleton births result in a healthy baby, 95% with twins, and 70% with triplets". She also told me that I have a 15% chance of miscarrying all or one of the babies by 20 weeks. Then once she knew that our questions were gearing the conversation towards moving forward with all 3, she sounded a bit more positive about everything. She ended by saying "if you are ok with triplets, then I am ok with triplets".

I left feeling very overwhelmed and upset at the thought of even entertaining the idea of selective reduction. The bottom line is, we just can't go through with it. I just don't know how we could choose. So the choice is to move forward with all three of these precious gifts. I am SO SCARED sometimes...mostly of the pregnancy and about the babies' first days/weeks of life. Sometimes I wonder how I will have the courage and strength to go through this--the discomfort that lies ahead and the risks to the babies of being born prematurely.

I really try to focus on the good stories with positive outcomes. If you have any positive stories to share, or any advice at all on how to stay positive and be courageous I am more than open to hearing them. I just really want to enjoy this pregnancy and this experience. We tried for long for this dream to come true and now it is happening and I don't want it to be filled with fear all along.

Introducing My Trio

2011-03-12T12:19:00.000-05:00

This scan was done at 8w2d:

I've gotta learn how to better scan these things in. This was a picture of a picture. Baby A is at the top right, Baby B is the furthest left, and Baby C is down below, a little squished by his/her siblings.

My biggest worry lately is work related. I haven't told anyone at work yet and I am 9w4d with a growing bump so I can't hide it for long. I work at a University and there is such negativity surrounding a pregnancy, maternity leave, etc. When I was hired they made it a point (illegally) to inform me that the woman in my position before me said she was going on maternity leave and coming back, but she never game back. They were obviously upset by this and did not want it to happen with me.

Well, I can't exactly say that it won't. My husband's insurance is horrible and mine is amazing. We now have to think about what the cost could be of having 3 babies in the NICU. I am having such a moral dilemma about this. I am trying not to let it stress me out, but I am having a hard time.

There are so many unknowns...will I need bedrest (probably), for how long, will the babies need to be in the NICU (probably), for how long, etc. Having a plan about work will make me feel better, but I just can't come up with one yet. Ugh. What is worse: being dishonest about my intentions on returning, or dealing with mounds of medical bill debt on top of raising 3 newborns?

Final RE Ultrasound 8w2d

2011-03-03T11:22:00.001-05:00

I had my final ultrasound at the RE's office today. The babies are doing great. All 3 of them! I promise I will post a pic by this weekend! I just need to blur out my name since I am anonymous on this blog. I am 8w2d today and here are the stats:

Baby A (the runt of the group/our late bloomer): Measurement 8w1d, Heartbeat 179 bpm
Baby B (has always been the biggest): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 169 bpm
Baby C (currently squished by his/her siblings): Measurement 8w3d, Heartbeat 174 bpm

We are officially released from the REs office. I felt so weird leaving there today. The departure felt abrupt, but I know it is definitely the best thing that could happen. Now we move forward to a perinatologist in about a week and half. I hope that was my last date with the vag cam, but we'll see.

Physically, I have not been feeling great but I think that is to be expected. I typically feel worse at the day progresses and I am always miserable right before I go to bed. I am just lucky the nausea is not an all day affair and that it really doesn't creep up on me until the end of the work day. I know some women suffer through horrible MS all day and night. I am starting to get a bump,well rather a bulge, since it doesn't have much shape to it yet and mostly just looks like I have gained some lbs in the stomach area.

Emotionally, I am still all over the place, which I also think is to be expected. First off I feel grateful and extremely lucky. I am trying to use lots of positive affirmations like, we can do this, the babies are healthy and will continue to be healthy, I am healthy and will continue to be healthy, etc. We are not naive to how hard it will be, but we also feel confident in our ability to work as a team and to get through anything and everything that comes our way.

Please know that I am still following your journeys and I am rooting you all on wholeheartedly. Although I was lucky beyond belief not to have to endure the extent of the fertility treatments that most of you have, I can still relate to the longing and even desperation that is felt along the way since we tried for so long before getting out BFP. I am in your corner and hope to continue to be a support to you!

Why Me?

2011-03-01T09:12:00.001-05:00

There have been some bad things that have happened in my life and I would often think "why me". What did I do to deserve this horrible thing? What did I do to deserve having CF? What did I do to deserve dealing with infertility for so long? I went through a time of great confusion about why these things were happening to me. When I looked around at others' lives, I thought--they don't have to deal with anything as big as what I am going through. Which I know is not true. It is just so easy to get caught up in our own suffering sometimes that we think we have it the worst.

My point is, I have struggled through the why me's and they are not fun. And now, 8 weeks pregnant with triplets, I find myself asking "why me" again. But this time it is different. This time it more like "how did I get so lucky"? How was it that we got pregnant on our first IUI? How is it that all three of my eggs fertilized? I know the chances of both of those things happening are microscopic. I just feel overwhelmed by how profound it all is. I just don't understand it--not that I need to, but I want to. Out of the small percentage of people in this world that have multiples, or even triplets, why are we one of those couples? What did I do to deserve this?

Yes, there are certainly going to be challenges with a triplet pregnancy and triplet newborns, but overall, I feel triply lucky. I feel like this is bigger than we could have EVER imagined. I feel like this is a crazy, profound, and amazing thing that is happening and I really just can't believe that it is happening to me. I went from fearing I would never have any babies to finding out that I will be having three. How does that happen? Why does this happen? I don't know if I will ever know the answer, but the answer is irrelevant. I will just try to each and every day feel grateful for this no matter how hard it gets. I am grateful, so grateful and I can't find the words to express that. I appreciate each and every day that I am pregnant with these babies. Sometimes is it hard, when I feel horrible and can't eat anything, and have no energy to do anything--but none of that matters. What is happening is something so much bigger than what I feel like physically.

I don't know if this post even makes sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that the news of triplets has been a lot to digest. I have been all over the place emotionally. Now that the dust is beginning to settle a little, I am realizing how amazing what is happening to me really is and I am in awe of it. Why me!?

Quick Updates on 7w3d

2011-02-25T13:07:00.001-05:00

-About the only things I can eat these days consists of white carbs and cheese, and sometimes fruit.

-Things I find repulsive: Meat, seafood, most vegetables, most salad dressings, sweets (weird), and just about everything else other what I listed above.

-I am obsessed with lemonade right now. I even prefer it over water.

-Tiredness is starting to kick in

-I have only thrown up once

-To say I am distracted at work is an understatement

-I am still enjoying my teacher education courses, but my motivation is tapering off--when would I even finish this degree!?

-I keep wondering "why me" but NOT in a bad way.

-There are moments of overwhelm about triplets for sure, but then I say one day at a time, and all that matters is that they keep growing and are healthy--the rest will all work out...right!? RIGHT!?!?!

-The idea of long-term bed rest makes me feel a little anxious, but again, whatever is best for these babies

-The support from our families has been overwhelming! I shouldn't be surprised though, they always pull through, and we are so grateful for that.

A Better Day

2011-02-22T12:55:00.000-05:00

I want to first thank you all for your amazingly supportive comments. I was scared in sharing my doubts/fears especially to some readers who would give anything to be pregnant. You all have been so consistent in your support and that means SO MUCH to me. I am doing a lot better today. I really think that yesterday was just overwhelming and I didn't have enough information or a plan to feel secure in (and I have been feeling quite emotional these days). Here are some updates since yesterday's post:

-Talked to my RE--what she shared with me: I have a 5% risk of miscarrying each baby individually, and rarely (if never) someone can loose all 3...she has only seen this once and it was with a woman over 40. It is still possible that triplets can naturally reduce to twins, and then even a singleton but the chances of that happening are very small. She also told me that triplets are usually born 2 months early (yikes--that is scary).

-I have one more ultrasound at the RE clinic next Thursday. It is bittersweet to move on. They helped us achieve our dreams (and then some).

-I have an appointment with a high risk ob/gyn for 3/15 (at 10 weeks). I am very happy about this. I want someone who has seen it all-- every odd, weird, risky situation.

-Having a plan is making me feel better

-My CF doc doesn't think that a triplet pregnancy will affect me much different than a singleton would except that with a bigger belly it will put more pressure on my lungs which might make breathing more difficult--gee, that's doesn't sound scary at all! But she didn't seem to have serious concerns which was both surprising and relieving.

-I am beginning to imagine life with triplets...some thoughts have been scary and some have been fun and endearing.

-Last weekend we went to Babies R Us to get Preggie Pops and took a look around. It was pretty crazy to imagine that we will need 3 of everything. And you have to special order a triple stroller btw. But you also get 10% off anything over $50 if you have multiples. So I learned some things while I was there. Also, btw Preggie Pops don't really work that well (at least not for me).

-I feel good both physically and emotionally today. I know I have said before that feeling good scares me, but I am learning to take the good days when I get them and enjoy them.

6w6d Taking a Risk in Sharing the Truth

2011-02-21T11:22:00.001-05:00

We had our 2nd ultrasound this morning and we saw and heard our three little darlings' heartbeats. That's right, Baby A must just be a slow developer, but there it was--a tiny little heart just flickering away.

I am trying to process how I feel because I am overwhelmed right now. Last week, when we could only hear/see 2 out of the 3 heartbeats, it kind of seemed like triplets were still hypothetical and above all, we were elated to know that we created one if not more babies. But, today confirmed that this is real and I am so afraid of what that means. I am afraid for the health of all three babies and for my own health--having CF, which is a disease that requires lots of daily treatments and exercise in order to stay healthy.

I am afraid that all three will not develop fully and get to lead a normal life and/or that I will not be able to take care of myself enough to stay healthy for them. I don't know if my fears are warranted. I still haven't spoken to my RE (crazy) but the ultrasound tech said she would leave a note in my file to have my doc call me and she said I could schedule an appointment with her after speaking to her on the phone if I wanted to. There are just so many questions I have. 1) What are the risks to the babies and 2) myself?

Whatever happens I am hoping to have continued support from the blogging world. I may explore some controversial waters and I am scared about that. I am afraid of how or if I can handle it and/or how others will judge me. But ultimately, I have to do what is best for me and the babies.

I am trying to continue to be happy and excited for the life that is growing inside of me, because I AM! But I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my family and what is best for the whole unit. The decision is not easy, and at the risk of already sounding defensive, you truly don't know how you will feel until you are in the situation.

I know I am so lucky right now and I know others would kill to be in my position. I know this and I feel this. But I just don't think it would be smart not to consider everything right now. I am afraid that some of you reading will be appalled that there is even a choice to be considered, and that is ok--we all have our own opinions. I just hope that this blog continues to be my safe space for expressing how I feel and for having support.

6w3d

2011-02-18T10:33:00.001-05:00

I am feeling good today and I am trying not to let that scare me. I have read out there on message boards, forms, etc. to be thankful for the days when you don't feel crappy and not to worry because symptoms come and go. My weight has been fluctuating. A few days ago I was -2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Today I am +1. I am showing something. I don't know if it is the babies though and is probably all bloat but my stomach definitely has some shape to it. I know it is extremely early to show, but I also know there are 3 babies in there so who knows.

Some days the morning sickness is awful--like I-have-a-hard-time-functioning bad, but I am still not throwing up, thankfully. These are not complaints! There is a very strong correlation for me between feeling crappy and feeling secure with this pregnancy. The worse I feel physically the better I feel mentally, if that makes any sense. I can endure physical pain easier than I can endure fear and anxiety.

I am excited and nervous about Monday. I hope to see that Baby B & Baby C have continued growing, and that Baby A has a heartbeat. I have SO many questions for my RE and I am a little concerned that we have not seen her since our BFP. We saw a nurse/ultrasound tech for our first u/s and will see that same person for our 2nd one on Monday. I think while I am there I am going to see if we can schedule an appointment with our actual doctor. The only time we have seen her has been for the initial consults and game plan. She didn't even do the actual IUI! Weird...but I am trying to roll with the punches.

One Day At A Time

2011-02-15T11:41:00.002-05:00

It is 24 hours later and I am beginning to process this news and get past the shock (somewhat). I still can't believe that I have 3 babies growing inside of me right now. It is pretty mind-blowing to say the least.

Pregnancy in general is unpredictable, and I think adding multiples to that just multiplies the unpredictability. I have NO idea what the future holds for this pregnancy, and oddly, today at least, I am very much ok with that. I think I need to take things one day at a time. This situation has the potential to bring up so many what-ifs, but I do not feel like letting those in right now. I want to celebrate this pregnancy for what it is--that right now there is life growing inside of me and that is all that matters.

Right now I have a job to do and that is to take care of myself and my body. So that is what I will focus on.

Symptoms: My morning sickness has been weird. When I do have it, it lasts all day long and it is bad--not to the point of vomiting, but I basically feel like I am rocking back and forth on a boat all day long. The cramping I was having earlier on has subsided and now I just feel twinges and pinching. I have been bloated and with sore breasts since day 1 and that remains. Sometimes I am starving and will eat anything, but other times nothing sounds good and I can't get myself to eat. I am starting to get tired throughout the day, but I have a hard time staying asleep at night. I usually wake up 2-4 times and have a hard time falling back asleep.

Thank you for all the notes of congratulations. I am sure this is going to be a bumpy ride and I appreciate all that continue to follow my now crazy journey--not that any of our journeys are smooth and predictable!

Next Ultrasound: Monday, Feb 21st.

Biggest Valentine's Day Shocker EVER!

2011-02-14T13:43:00.001-05:00

I can't tell if this is real life or a dream. I know I have said that before, but this time I truly feel like I am living life outside of my own. We had our first ultrasound today...there were 3 sacs. No, that was not a typo--THREE sacs! I will post pics later. I am literally in SHOCK and cannot explain how I am feeling beyond that so I will report the details:

I am 5 weeks and 6 days today. We were able to see AND HEAR (I did not know that you can hear heartbeats that early) the heartbeats of two of them (Baby B and Baby C). Baby A measured at 5w6d, but we could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The nurse said that it was still viable even though we could not pick up a heartbeat because the yolk and sac were there and it is still early. Baby B measured at 6W0D and had a heartbeat of 92bpm. Baby C measured at 6W1D and had a heartbeat of 107bpm.

I can't believe I just typed Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C. I feel like throwing up--but that is probably just morning sickness.

I am elated that we at least have a viable pregnancy, but beyond that I don't feel much at all--it is too overwhelming. The main thing I feel is that we crossed another hurdle and for that I am going to be excited and grateful.

The first words out of the nurse's mouth during the ultrasound were "this is interesting". I got angry (because I was scared) and said "what do you mean interesting!?!?" and then she told us she was seeing 3 sacs. I couldn't see the screen. But my husband could and I watched as his eyes became the biggest I have ever seen them.

When I heard Baby B's heartbeat I said "that's not mine!?" and when she said no I started crying and so did my DH. We just couldn't believe it.

The nurse told us to be cautiously optimistic right now about all of them since it is a high risk situation. She told us she could not believe triplets came from an IUI. She said that never happens. When we went into it there was a 3% chance of triplets and a 20-30% chance of twins with the medication protocol that we chose. 3%!!!!

I guess all that cramping I had a couple of weeks ago really was my uterus starting to stretch out. Maybe that painful cramping around implantation was painful because of all of the implanting that was going on.

I just don't know what to make of this. I do know that this is certainly a Valentine's Day I will never forget, no matter what the outcome.

She Called Me Selfish...And it Was Just What I Needed

2011-02-09T10:20:00.001-05:00

I see a therapist and I am not afraid to admit it (I don't really understand the stigma, but that is a whole other post). Last night I had a session and I was telling my therapist about all of my fears with this pregnancy. After validating my feelings, of course, she called me out and told me I was being selfish. Now if anyone else I know called me selfish regarding this pregnancy I would have been so upset and angry with them. But when she said it I stopped sobbing and it kind of jolted me.

She continued...I am being selfish because it is possible that I am letting my fears harm my unborn child(ren). She said that by having all of these negative thoughts/images I am causing stress to my body, not breathing enough, etc. She reminded me that being a parent means protecting your children from you fears and having an "its all going to be ok" attitude. If I let my fears get the best of me, how will that translate into my parenting?

She just really made me think about things in a different perspective and that is what I needed. I am so worried about how I will feel if this pregnancy is taken away from me, when in doing so I *could* be indirectly contributing harm to it. Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I guess it doesn't matter. But to me, this is what I needed to be brave. I might not be able to do it for myself, but I am able to be courageous for my baby.

I am glad to be learning this lesson now because of course there will be more fears that come my way. Won't we always worry about our children? I think the trick is to be afraid enough to take responsible care for them, but not afraid enough to where your own fears are harming your children by controlling them or making them feel anxious.

I feel like some weight has been lifted and I am going to try to keep working on this.

Thank You!

2011-02-06T17:53:00.002-05:00

I would like to thank Amy from Maternal Hope, Beckie from Beckie's Infertility Journey, and Heartincharge from Lily in the Valley for both of these blog awards.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award (I'm just going to do 8).
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

1) I was a college pole vaulter. When I first began pole vaulting in high school it was not a sanctioned girls event so I had to compete against the boys. I really enjoyed beating them. I have always been competitive and love playing sports and games.

2) I have two small furbabies who I treat like they are my real babies.

3) I am a middle child, and I did not get along with my siblings until late high school. They ganged up on me all the time, so I would often go hang out with my friends. Now I love them both and we get along great!

4) I once had the goal of running a marathon. I got up to running about 5 miles and then quit because it was boring and I discovered that I really hate running.

5) I am a tv junkie. I love watching "my shows". It is my favorite way to unwind at the end of the day. Some guilty pleasures are: The Bachelor, One Tree Hill, and 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom. I know, I think a part of me is stuck in adolescence.

6) My husband and I won a tennis tournament together.

7) I have often been told I am very mature person, but I have also always had this really immature (and even sometimes perverted) sense of humor. I think it came from my dad and brother. I don't show it unless I know you really well. It sometimes catches people off guard at first.

So that's a little about me. As I was doing this I realized that although we all connect through our similar experiences and emotions, I have never really expressed who I am outside of IF :)

Here are the blogs I would like to give this award to. I follow all of your journeys and enjoy reading your blogs:

1. Sara at Time Well Wasted
2. Mrs. D at The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own
3. The Hudack Family at The Hudack Family
4. Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry
5. Waiting and Wishing at Waiting and Wishing
6. Jill's Infertility Document at Infertility Unexplained
7. Mrs. R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
8. Lauren at Lauren vs. The World

4w4d- Uncharted Waters

2011-02-04T10:28:00.000-05:00

What a roller coaster this past week has been. I kind of suspected that the emotional roller coaster that IF is does not end upon getting a BFP.

I will first admit that there has been entirely too much googling for my sanity. I have been googling EVERYTHING. I have been getting AF type of cramps ever since Monday that come and go, but sometimes last all day. They really worried me at first, but I am reading more and more that they are normal as the uterus begins to stretch, as long as there is not bleeding. Thankfully for me there has not been any spotting/bleeding so I am really working on not letting those cramps freak me out. I just had no idea that one would experience AF like cramps while pregnant...weird.

I did not think I would have symptoms so fast. I have been very bloated since a couple of days before my BFP. I have also had some dull lower back pains, little waves of nausea, and sore bbs. As uncomfortable as these things are I love symptoms (minus the cramping because it scares me) because it makes me believe that things are happening in there.

Emotionally, I am a mess but getting a little better. There is still that "prepare for the worst" part of me that won't completely let go. But, I have been able to let myself relax a little more and realize that it is out of my hands. Also talking with a couple of fertile family members about my concerns has actually helped. Although they don't completely understand my fears they have been listening and have been reminding me that at this point I am just another pregnant woman.

I can't say enough how much I have appreciated the supportive comments from you all. Sometimes I feel it is unfair to be asking for support after getting a BFP. I hope I have not offended anyone by not being 100% elated, excited, and happy. I hope that you all understand. Life after BFP in some ways has been more scary for me than life before BFP. It just feels like there is even more on the line and more to lose. I am so lucky to be where I am and I am trying very, very hard to feel that and to enjoy that. I knew I would be somewhat guarded if/when I ever got my BFP, but I did not think I would have this much fear. This is uncharted waters for me. I am still feeling things out and figuring out how to manage the fear and the anxiety. In the meantime, I sincerely want to thank each of you for being there.

P.S. I was thrilled to find out that I was nominated for a couple of blogging awards :) This weekend I am going to post about them and re-award.

The Aftermath

2011-02-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

The news is spreading like wild fire. DH and I both have large, close extended families. This news has leaked and pretty much all extended family knows. 2 extended family members posted something to our FB walls and I deleted the messages immediately and wrote them each private messages thanking them for their congrats, but that we are not ready to go "public" yet. They both completely understood.

When I take a step back and really see what's happening I feel overwhelmed in a good way. We had so many people pulling for us because we have been sharing about our journey for awhile now. They are all so excited that they want to share the news. But, I am scared because it is so early. Each time someone expresses their excitement instead of enjoying it with them my reaction is to want to tell them that it is early so we aren't sure what is going to happen. That should not be my initial reaction!

There is no way to ever know how I would have felt if I got a BFP when we first starting TTC over 3 years ago, but I am fairly certain I would not be this worried about something going wrong. So I am trying to get in that mentality. If I got a BFP and was a fertile would I be excited: Absolutely! I think I would be naive to the things that could go wrong. I am trying to hard to be ignorant and just relish in it, but I am really, really struggling.

Part of me wants to protect myself, but in all honesty, if something horrible happens it will be devastating whether I protect myself or not. And hopefully all these people who are so excited would be there to support us. Living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop is not what I want to do. I am fighting so hard to not feel like this.

I have been having some menstrual-like cramps on and off for a couple of days and this has triggered fear and worry. Even though I know it can be normal (so long as it is not paired with bleeding, which it is not) I am scared. I wish I could just enjoy this, but instead I am waiting to hear the bad news. I am so upset with myself for feeling this way.

Conflicted

2011-01-30T19:39:00.002-05:00

I had my 2nd Beta today and it was 336.

I am still in shock and somewhat disbelief.

We have told several family members because they have been following our journey for a long time now. Not one seemed to be cautious or guarded about it being so early. In fact all this talk about the future and "when the baby comes" were discussed. There were tears and so much excitement. But with each person we told I felt a little nervous about it. What if something goes wrong? It is so early.

The reason we decided to tell family the details of what was going on and sharing the news so early was that we wanted support. And we figure if something does go wrong with this pregnancy we would want the support in getting through it. But I just feel conflicted about it because of HOW excited everyone was. This is going to be DHs parents' first grandchild so naturally they were elated. Part of me feels like I would be disappointing everyone (and myself of course) if things went wrong.

So I try and remind myself of these things 1) It is out of my control and worrying will cause more harm than good. 2) It has taken us a long time to get here so we deserve to enjoy it just like any fertile woman would feel when she got a positive and 3) If something bad happens we will get through it.

This is such a weird place I am in.

We go for our first u/s on Valentine's Day--I really can't think of anything more romantic.

Is This Real Life? Part 2

2011-01-28T16:10:00.002-05:00

Update: I went to get my first beta. The nurse didn't ask me at first exactly what dpiui I was, although she asked the date of my last period and when the iui was. I just don't think she put 2 and 2 together. So when she told me we were hoping for a 60 or higher and I asked, "even taking into consideration how early we are testing" she looked at me like I was crazy. Once we cleared up the confusion she wasn't very happy with me because she had already taken my blood and we weren't supposed to do a beta until 14dpiui. Anyway, she said she would still run it.

So I just got the call not about an hour ago and my first beta is 118! The nurse (a different one) told me that was a good number and I am scheduled to go back in on Sunday.

I just CAN'T believe this is happening. I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. Thank you for the continued support and all of the congratulations. Although I am elated, I just really feel like I can "own" this yet...if that makes any sense.

Is This Real Life?

2011-01-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

I am pretty much in shock today. This morning, at 11dpiui I got a BFP!

My clinic's instructions were to test 2 weeks after the IUI and to call if I got a BFP. Who are we kidding? There was no way I could wait until 14dpiui, so I started testing yesterday with Wondfo testing strips (from the internet) at 10dpiui and I got the faintest line that barley showed up in the picture I took of it. But it was there and at least had me hopeful that the next day (today's) would be darker, and it was much darker! It came up a few minutes before the 5 minutes were up so I 99% certain this is no evap line. It is still not ask dark as the control line but it is definitely there and you can see it from the across the room. It is definitely a BFP...at least I think so. In 3+ years of TTC, I have never had one before!

I called the clinic this morning to schedule the "confirmation b/w"- which is what they call it, and I go in later today for that. The receptionist never asked me how many days piui I was, so I assume it is ok that I come in for the b/w even though I didn't wait the recommended time to test. At least I hope it is ok. I just really want some sort of confirmation! Is this really happening?

Opening Up

2011-01-27T14:20:00.000-05:00

This is something I wrote on my other blog that mostly family reads and I wanted to share it here:

Dealing with IF has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. It ranks right up there, if not higher than, CF. I often think about what would be the most meaningful thing in my life and what I want to accomplish in this lifetime. And my answer has almost always been to have and raise children.So inevitably there is so much fear that what I want most out of life might not come true. That is not to say I don't believe that it will ever happen, but I am often afraid when envisioning a life in which it does not happen.

The best way to describe the emotions surrounding IF is that it is a roller coaster I cannot get off of, with highs, lows, loops, twists, and turns. I am still waiting for that moment where the ride comes to a screeching halt, you catch your breath, lift the bar up, and exit. Here are just some of the emotions I have experienced since we started TTC:

1) Excitement: Starting off we thought we could plan exactly when we would have a baby. We planned things out so that our baby would be born shortly after I finished my graduate degree. We were filled with excitement of the future path we knew our lives were about to take. We thought of names, nursery ideas, how we would announce the news, and how I would be a big huge beaming pregnant woman under my cap and gown at graduation. We were naive, but that was ok.

2) Frustration: After about 6 months I began to wonder if something was wrong. We were/are young and healthy, so why wasn't anything happening? I read books, and I knew the timing of everything. I took care of myself and was sure not to take any medications or drink alcohol during times where I might be pregnant. Why isn't this working for us? We are doing everything right.

3) Sadness: Each month of failure brings about more sadness and disappointment. All the hope washes away and some days I feel like it will never happen. Some days I feel like no one understands. But I usually put on a happy face and just keep living.

4) Fear: Every time things seem to be headed in the right direction and it still doesn't work out I think to myself, if it didn't happen this time, will it ever happen? I imagine a life without children in it and I feel empty. I imagine never having our own family and there is this pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. The fears creep in almost daily. Sometimes the thoughts last a split second, and sometimes they linger much longer. It might be out of nowhere while I am at work, when I first wake up in the morning, before I go to sleep at night, driving in my car, and other times it is provoked by reminders of pregnancy, children, and families, and almost always happens after another unsuccessful cycle. Sometimes the fear has paralyzed me and stopped me from moving forward with IF treatments, or forced me to "take a break" for a month here and there.

5) Jealousy: This one is ugly and I hate to admit it. I look around me and of course people get pregnant. I think--why not me? When will it be my turn? I have done everything the "right" way and yet I don't get the reward. Homeless, crack-addicts can get pregnant, but I can't? Life is not fair, why me, why me, etc. etc. etc. In reality my journey has nothing to do with anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with the person. It is the reminder of what I don't have. I am often happy and excited for someone else's pregnancy, but also sad and jealous for myself at the same time.

6) Isolation: Sometimes I feel very alone in what we are going through. Sometimes I feel like no matter how eloquently I can describe the emotions behind this, there is no way someone from the outside is going to understand the magnitude of it's weight.The feelings are with me everyday. And if I tell people them, they might minimize it because they don't truly understand, and that would make me feel even more alone.

7) Preoccupation: Feeling like I am not really present in life. It is like inside my brain is a running loop of all of these thoughts and feelings surrounding IF. Not to mention the constant reminders around me about how seemingly easy it is to get pregnant. I try my best to push these thoughts and feelings away, and over time, I have gotten better.

8) Grief: Each month starts with hope and ends with grief. Each month ends in a loss because it is the loss of that month's hope and of what could have been.

There are good days and there are bad days. Although I feel all of these things very deeply, I learn to cope and deal with them and continue living a fulfilling life. I try my hardest to believe that one day we will get what we desire most out of life, but some days it is really hard and I can't find the strength. I have learned to cope by connecting with other people that are going through this, but they are hard to find because it is not something people often talk about.

You might be thinking, get a grip or just don't think about it all the time. One point I want to make is that it is not possible to be actively TTC and not think about it all the time, especially if pursuing IF treatments. There are medications, appointments, and certain things I cannot do during the time I could be pregnant. The key is finding the balance between thinking about it enough to do what I need to each month, but not letting myself get swept away with the emotional parts of it. I know I have said this exact thing about CF. It is funny how our same issues pop up with our biggest life challenges. I have gotten SO much better about managing this with CF and I am inching my way through dealing with this with IF.

What I hope for people to learn from this post is that it has been and still is really hard. If you know someone else that deals with IF, you can expect that they deal with similar emotions, although they might not tell you about it. I have emphasized the negative ones here so that you can understand. There have also been some positive things that have come out of this, like building a stronger bond with my husband, learning to let people in, appreciating life, and knowing how much more I will appreciate a pregnancy and baby if/when this happens for us because of what it has taken to get there.

How you can help support someone dealing with IF is to be understanding of what they are going through. To know that it is roller coaster and sometimes they are going to feel excited and other times they are going to fight to believe and to put on that happy face. Sometimes they are going to be devastated at yet another failed cycle. To understand that they are happy for you when you get pregnant but it makes them sad that they haven't been able to have it for themselves. It means knowing that if they don't come around as often, they might be dealing with another month's disappointment. If you are around them and they seem preoccupied or "not with it" they are probably wondering if they are pregnant, what happens if they are, what happens if they are not, grieving another failure, etc. And if all else fails, and you are not sure what to say or how to act, just ask. Asking is always better than assuming or not saying anything, in my opinion. If you read this whole thing then you care enough to want to understand what I am going through and that means THE WORLD to me.

Fear is Here

2011-01-25T08:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I mentioned some pains in my lower right side. They seem to come and go and have for the past 3 days. This morning (8dpiui) they were at their worst. It was like a stabbing/pinching pain that I will feel for like 5 seconds on, 5 seconds off. It is really scaring me. I have read about implantation cramping and that it is similar to menstrual cramps, but this is nothing like menstrual cramps. It is a more localized pain. My fear is an ectopic pregnancy.

I am not being 100% irrational here. When we first met for our consult with our RE she said that it is rarely the case with CF women, but that sometimes the cilia in the fallopian tubes do not push the egg to the uterus. She said the only way of knowing if that will happen or not is if it happens. She said it was not a reason to not move forward and that we would just monitor early to ensure that the pregnancy is where it is supposed to be. She was very nonchalant about it. I, on the other hand, am not.

From what I have read it would be too early to feel pains of an ectopic, but I am just so scared. It is too early to even tell if I am pregnant. I called and left a message for the nurse but I really don't know what she could tell me about it. It is too early to diagnose anything! I really wish I were stronger. I don't know how you ladies do all of this for so long and then some (i.e. IVF). I am not even through my first IUI and I am having such a hard time keeping it together.

I am such a different person than I was the first two weeks of this cycle. The longer it goes on the less sure I become and the more fear sets in. The longer I am taking this Progesterone the more crazy, angry, sad, I am getting. I am trying not to make any decisions about subsequent cycles because of how I am feeling right now, but I do want to give all of you out there that do this back to back to back, etc. so much credit. You have so much strength. If you have any left over strength I could use some of those vibes!

Half Way There and Losing it a Little Bit

2011-01-24T15:40:00.002-05:00

Ok. I have a confession. I went a little crazy today. I googled "when did you get your BFP after IUI". I started reading this forum and it was all women who had BFPs from their IUIs. They each gave the details of their cycles (i.e. how many follicles, sperm count, meds, etc). I think I spent over an hour reading this forum.

I never feel better after googling anything. I mean, the information I found was very positive and hopeful obviously because they were BFP stories, but no matter how many stories I hear-good or bad- I am going to feel the same way: impatient and crazy.

I hate that I gave into that part of me. The part that is not ok with the unknown. I want so badly to be the "whatever happens, happens" kind of person, but I am just not. I will give myself a little credit and say that I have gotten better, but I still have a long way to go.

Today is 7dpiui. I am feeling moody, sore boobs, bloated, and a pinching/mildly painful feeling on the lower right side of my pelvic region and sometimes the left side. It becomes pinpointed to one spot so it doesn't feel like normal cramping that is more generalized to the whole area.

I am angry because of the mind games IF and meds play with me. I am angry that Progesterone side effects mimic pregnancy so I cannot gauge what my body is actually going through. I am mad at myself for obsessing and spending so much time thinking about what might or might not be when I need to be focusing on work and school. I am mad that I don't feel like myself lately. I am mad at myself for not being present in life during all of this. I am sad that I/we have to go through this. I am scared that it won't work and how I will feel if that happens.

The stakes are higher than they have ever been for us and there is so much more on the line. This has stirred up all kinds of emotions in me. Mostly the ones that have been at bay since we first started TTC over 3 years ago. Somewhere along the line I became numb to the BFNs. Now that we are doing something different it is like starting all over. Excitement paired with all kinds of negative feelings.

Thoughts on 5dpiui

2011-01-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome ICLW. Thank you for stopping by my blog. Here is a very abbreviated version of our TTC Journey: Married for 4 years and TTC for 3+ years. We are pretty sure the only issue is a CM issue. Because of life stressors and some fear, we have never followed through with any ART until now (besides clomid and testing). We just had our first (and only, hoping) IUI this past Monday in which I had 3 mature follicles and DH had a great sperm count. I am 5dpiui.

I really appreciate the comments about my last post about fear. They helped me to know that I am not the only one who struggles with it. For the most part I have been pretty good, but I have my moments that my mind goes wild. If I am staying busy, I am not fearful. But in times like when I first wake up or go to sleep and driving to and from work, I have a hard time quieting my mind.

One second my fears are that we will get pregnant with triplets because I had 3 follicles, or that I will have a tubal pregnancy, and then the next second it will be that I am not pregnant and will never be pregnant. It is so crazy.

The Progesterone suppositories have been pretty gross, but nothing horrible. I just hate having to wear a pad. They are so uncomfortable. The only side effect I have experienced has been bloating. I have had some slight cramping so that might also be another s/e.

We have told several family members about the details of our cycle. I have such mixed emotions about it. I like the idea of having people behind us every step of the way, but I also feel like they don't truly get the emotions that accompany each step. The most common reaction is excitement which I like, but for sometimes I feel it is not good for me for everybody to get so excited. When I try to explain my fears or how I am somewhat guarded at times I get the "you just have to stay positive". I don't really know what I expect from people. My own feelings are so conflicted that I just can't pinpoint what I need from those around me.

One thing that did bother me was when I was describing what an IUI was and a family member said "oh that's the turkey baster thing". That really bothers me for some reason. I think if she says it again I might address it. I feel defensive when it is described in that way. I know it isn't the most romantic/natural thing but calling it "the turkey baster thing" feels a little insensitive. Or maybe I am just sensitive about it. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

My Archnemesis

2011-01-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

Fear is my worst enemy. It knocks on my door often. Sometimes I am strong enough to refuse to answer it, and other times I peak out the window just to see what it looks like. Then there are times that I open the door, let it walk in, and ask it if it wants something to drink.

Right now I am somewhere between peaking and letting it in. I am only 2 dpiui. I am beginning to have fears about this cycle. What if it doesn't work. Or worse, what if I have a tubal pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself because in a big picture kind of way, I just don't want to live my life like this. I don't think that a life of fear is truly "living". I hate being so "in my head" about things, and I am trying really hard to just live in the moment and continue with life as normal (minus the progesterone suppositories) until I find out if I am pregnant or not. There is absolutely no point in having those fears and worries. None!

I do kind of believe in the whole Law of Attraction/The Secret stuff. And if so, thinking those kinds of thoughts is only going to bring negativity and more fear into my life. So why must I torture myself? I really feel like I need to get this in check now because if/when I do become pregnant I will not allow myself to spend the whole 9 months being afraid.

I don't have any real control over whether or not this works out and that is scary. I just need to work on letting go of that fear and just dealing with whatever comes. It is much easier said than done for me. But writing this blog and remembering that worrying is not going to do anything good for me helps. I need to kick fear out of my house, board up the doors and windows, and just live.

IUI #1 (and only, hopefully)

2011-01-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well today was the big day! It was filled with excitement, nervousness, and a lot of waiting.

We had to arrive at the clinic at 8:30am so DH could give his contributions. My IUI was scheduled for 10am so we went down to the cafe and had some breakfast in between. We weren't called back until about 10:30ish, and then waited in the exam room another 15-20 before the procedure. All the waiting felt like forever! We were just ready to go through with it!

The Dr. said that DH's sperm count was "excellent" at 23mil post-wash. Instead of manically googling to find out if those numbers are good I will just take his word for it. He told me that if we have to do another round (which we really, really hope not) we won't change the medication protocol at all because he said that I responded exactly how I needed to. That makes me feel good about our chances for this one.

I felt crampy all morning, even before the procedure, and after it was/is a little worse. The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but mostly just quick and painless. I just squeezed DH's hand when the catheter went in and didn't stop squeezing until it was out. Then I laid on the table for about 15 minutes.

Going into this I was upset by the fact that if we conceive through IUI it would be impersonal and that there wouldn't be love or closeness involved. But I was wrong. Whether we conceived a baby or not I felt even closer to my husband because of what we have gone/are going through. While he held my hand and was just as nervous and excited as I was, we were in it together 100%. I won't forget that. It even brings a tear to my eye to think about it.

I was instructed to begin Progesterone suppositories on Wednesday (3xs a day) and to take a HPT in 2 weeks. If it is a BFP I will go in that day for b/w and then again a day or so after that for another round of b/w to make sure all is progressing. If the HPT is negative, I am to stop taking the Progesterone and call when AF arrives to schedule CD3 ultrasound and b/w to start all over again.

I am hoping with all my heart that this is it for us. I could be very naive to think this will work on the first go around, but today I want to just believe that it can and will. Tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes, I might change my mind, but that is where I am right now. Please, please, please, let this be it for us!

My goals for this 2WW are to try to stay busy, to stay positive, and to not obsess about symptoms--especially since the side effects of Progesterone are a lot like pregnancy symptoms. It is also my goal not to test until exactly 2 weeks from now...I am not as confident about this one.

Thank you for all the good vibes and for just being here so that I don't feel so alone in this crazy journey.

On Our Way

2011-01-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

We just got home from our CD12 monitoring appointment and there were 3 mature follicles!! I can't remember exactly but I think she said the sizes were 17, 19, 22.

I trigger tonight and the IUI is on Monday morning. I am SO excited! A different doctor did the ultrasound, but she told me there will be a chance of triplets since I have 3 mature follicles and that this chance is a little higher because I am "nice and young" (I am 27). She said she needed to consult with my regular Dr. but that they would call and let me know if we are still on to trigger. A nurse called me just a little while ago and told me to trigger at 10pm tonight.

I can't believe we are on our way! I am so excited right now. I don't know if I should be this excited, but we have never been here before so we are filled with hope.

I meant to ask this but I forgot--I wonder if because there were 3 follies if the chance of a pregnancy (even just a singleton) is increased. I think it would, right?

And the icing on the cake: my body cooperated once again with my work schedule and since Monday is MLK day I won't have work and therefore will not be missing work for my IUI. I am just so extremely grateful that things have gone so smoothly so far and I am going to try to hold onto this hope until there is reason not to. I haven't felt this good about our chances ever.

Baby Brain Insanity

2011-01-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

I have baby brain, only not the pregnancy type, the TTC type. In this week alone I have had at least 3 dreams about being pregnant, having a baby, etc. Last night's dream was so vivid. This is CD11 so I am fairly certain that my dreams aren't trying to tell me something.

This is something I want so, so badly. Some days my patience wears thin and I really feel like all this waiting is causing too much stress. But what other choice do I have? I daydream and dream at night about what our lives will be like with a baby. I think about holding the baby, waking up in the morning with the baby, feeding the baby, dressing the baby, changing the baby's diaper, going places with the baby, seeing my husband with the baby. I don't know if this is healthy!

I lost my IF injection virginity 2 nights ago. DH administered my first ever shot (Menopur). I was more nervous about mixing it right and following the steps correctly than I was about the actual shot. It was pretty easy, and afterwords we thought to ourselves, that was it? Now what?

Tomorrow we go to our first monitoring appointment to see how things are looking and when we can expect to have the IUI. I hope everything looks great. I usually don't ovulate until around CD16-18 so it may not be for another week. But who knows, maybe the Clomid/Menopur has sped things up?

I am trying so hard to just live life as I normally would, but my mind is preoccupied with baby this, baby that. Some days I am good and I think about it minimally, but others, like today, I am a mess. How am I going to get through all of this waiting!?

One Week in

2011-01-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

Here I am CD7 and my emotions are all over the place. Tonight will be my last dose of Clomid. I take it at night and I have noticed 2 things from it. 1) Hot flashes in the middle of the night waking me up...then I am freezing and I have to bundle back up, then I wake up all sweaty, repeat, repeat, repeat. 2) Mood Swings. I have not felt like myself lately. I start crying for next to nothing, and I have gotten uncharacteristically angry on several occasions.

I am not really complaining about it, but rather making observations. I know it will be worth it and I also know it could be worse.

I try not to think too much about whether or not this first IUI will work, how many times we would try IUIs if it doesn't, etc, etc, etc. But it is so hard. One minute I am filled with such excitement that this is it for us and the next I picture us being left with nothing but depression.

Also, we have been snowed in today and will probably be tomorrow. Normally this would be a GREAT thing, but staying busy is really something I need right now!

Here We Go

2011-01-04T15:07:00.002-05:00

CD1 and here we go! I am very excited/nervous about this being our first IUI cycle. On Thursday I start 100mg of Clomid for CD3-7. CD9 is the Menopur shot, and my CD12 monitoring appointment fell on a Saturday! Thank you body for cooperating with my work schedule and not making me miss work!

After that we trigger, have the IUI, and progesterone until it is time to test. We'll see how that whole waiting to test thing goes.

The other night I got really anxious about starting fertility treatments. What if it doesn't work? How will my body react to the medications? Will the side effects be horrible? I got upset for a while and then just realized I have to let go and take things one step at a time.

I guess one concern I have is the possibility of Clomid and/or Menopur combo making me ovulate super early before the CD12 monitoring appointment causing us to be too late and miss this cycle. For you ladies who have had experience with either or both of these medications, did you ovulate earlier, later, or the same as without the medication?

I guess the big lesson here is that I have to trust that these doctors know what they are doing. I mean, if it was common for those medications to cause early ovulation, they would probably recommend an earlier ultrasound than CD12. Duh! I am going to work on relaxing and trusting the process, I swear!

P.S. Thank you for the supportive comments regarding Polly. It made me feel better know that people understood how I felt.

What Did You Expect For Me To Say?

2010-12-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's visit with pessimistic preggo, I will now refer to her as Polly, went bad. I was really proud of how I handled myself. She was so annoying. She complained ALL DAY. I am not exaggerating.

At the end of the day, right before I was about to leave it was just her and I in the kitchen and here is where things got sticky:

Her: "Oh my gosh, this pregnancy is killing me! I am over it [she is 15 weeks]"
Me: "Polly, I hate to hear you say things like that"
Her: "Huh?"
Me: "Your pregnancy is a blessing. You should feel lucky"
Her: Rolls eyes
Me: "I am serious. You have something a lot of people can't have"
Insert awkward silence here

Luckily someone came in the room and the conversation ended. I wasn't going to say anything at all until she said what she did when it was just to me. What did she expect for me to say? Did she think I was going to pity her? Did she think I was going to sympathize with her? Remember, she knows about our IF.

My friend told me that after I left she was upset and told her husband that her mom and others told her she shouldn't have to watch what she says around me.

I am just hurt right now. I have been open about our struggles so that hopefully, there is some consideration about how I feel. I do not want to make a big deal about things or make everything about me. I am just asking for SOME kind of human decency.

I mean, if you got a huge promotion and were spending time with someone who was really struggling financially, would you go on and on about how excited you were about your increase in salary, how you now never have to worry about money at all, or all the things you want to do with your new found cash? No! You would watch what you say so that you don't make that person feel uncomfortable. Why is this any different??

And the fact that her mother told her not to watch what she says hurts me to, because this is my DH's aunt whom we are very close to. She always seems so supportive.

I wish this didn't bother me, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I am torn about why it should. BUT it does. It makes me so upset and angry. I try to fight feeling that way and I stuff it down, but it always finds its way to the surface.

I am going to go the gym now, so I can hopefully shake this off.

Is it Too Much to Ask for?

2010-12-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

I am about to go out with a friend and a family member who is pregnant and I am dreading it. I saw this family member last night and all she did was complain about not being able to drink and how tired she was and how she can't wait until this "thing" is born. She was trying to plan all these trips and things to do after the baby was born like she couldn't wait. She is only 15 weeks!

My feelings are hurt because she knows all of our TTC struggles and IF plan and there is zero consideration of my feelings.

I am torn because this is a major thing in her life and she should be able to talk about it as she wants, but I also feel that some consideration would be nice. Some acknowledgement that it might be hard for me to be around her since all she does is complain and/or talk about her pregnancy/baby.

I normally would not go out of my way to make plans with her since it bothers me to be around her, but she pretty much invited herself for today's outing.

Ugh. She just doesn't get it. Part of me wants to address this with her, but a big part of me would feel selfish asking her to tone down the preggo talk. I just had to vent on here. Is it too much to ask for for her to have some considering of my feelings?

These are the times I feel so alone in this... like no one IRL understands AT ALL. It hurts so much to see her have something she is taking for granted that I am trying so hard to achieve and would cherish so much.

A Different Kind of Christmas

2010-12-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year felt different. This year I felt like we were just waiting for it to pass by, and I hate that. I try to live in the moment and appreciate everyday but, this Christmas I was just waiting for it to be over so we can move forward.

The past few days I have really been struggling with patience. I am so eager to start this IUI. I am a very goal-oriented person and I am so focused on the next cycle that I don't feel like I am really living life.

The thoughts I have been having about the IUI are mostly positive so I will give myself credit for that. But more than anything I need to find that balance between being focused and hopeful vs. becoming obsessed.

I hope everyone was able to enjoy some aspect of the holiday, although I know it is a tough time of the year for many struggling with IF.

Welcome December IComLeavWe & Genetics

2010-12-21T07:28:00.000-05:00

Welcome to any new readers. Here are the Cliff's Notes of our journey up until this point:

Both in late 20s, been TTC for 3+ years. Issue is probably related to cervical mucus. All tests look good so far and we are set to start our first IUI in mid Jan.

Both my Orvedel and Menapor should be arriving today and I am also picking up my Clomid and Progesterone today. Even though I am only on CD13 and won't be starting until next cycle, I wanted to go ahead and get everything so I am not rushing around.

Yesterday, my husband I a met with a genetic counselor. For new readers, I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis a couple of years ago. I have a mild case, hence being diagnosed as an adult. Anyway, when I was first diagnosed with CF my husband had a genetic test done to see if he carried the gene (it is a genetic disease) which came back negative. To make a complex story short, both parents must carry the gene in order for a child to receive it. I became paranoid about the test he received and wondered if it was extensive enough.

So back to the point, we met with a genetic counselor yesterday to go over the statistics and chances our child could have CF based on the testing my husband received. The appointment was very reassuring. She informed us that our children have a .25% chance of having CF. 1/4th of a percent. A 99.75% chance of NOT having CF. I asked her what the chances were of other birth defects (that the general population has) just to compare and she said at my age the chance of having a baby with heart defects is 1%. That is .75% higher than the chances he/she will have CF, and that percentage doesn't stop almost anyone from procreating.

We knew the chances our baby would have CF would be next to none, but I am such a worrier and wanted to be sure so that I won't worry during a pregnancy. I have read another blog about someone with CF and IF and there were some nasty and hurtful comments left about people's opinions on whether or not she should be "able" to have children. I ask that you please not do that here. I wasn't going to post anything about this because I do not want those same comments. Not that I need to justify my choices, but I will for a second. I am in great health, I have a mild case of CF, and there is a 99.75% chance that we will not have a child with CF.

I chose to post because it is a part of journey and something unique to our situation. All of our journey's are unique and we all have different things we worry about. I want to be able to be open and honest here and CF is apart of that. Maybe I am paranoid about judgment because I am still worried about how people perceive me because of this disease. What most people know about CF is the terrible, devastating side to the disease, and I am so fortunate that that is not me. If you would like to know more about CF or my case specifically I would be glad to share. You can email me at tothosewhowait7@gmail.com

A Plan in Place

2010-12-14T17:36:00.000-05:00

I just got home from my injectables class and follow up appointment with my RE, and I am excited! She gave us the option of a clomid IUI or a clomid + minimal stimulation IUI. We are choosing the later, more aggressive route, which will be:

Day 3-7: Clomid, 100mg
Day 9: Menapur 75 units
Day 13ish: Trigger: Ovidrel 250 micrograms
36 hrs later: IUI
After IUI: Progesterone

They do not pre schedule betas at this clinic but want you take a HPT 14 days after IUI and then come in that day or the next to have the b/w.

I feel very excited right now. For one, just simply having a concrete plan that includes increasing our chances is enough to have me jumping for joy. I felt like we were stuck for so long in one place, and now I feel like we are unstuck. I will worry about what if it doesn't work later because it is inevitable that my mind will go there the closer we get. But for now, I am happy and excited and really imagining having a baby and that feels good. There was a long time we stopped dreaming about it...

I am on CD7 now so we have about 3 more weeks until the "action" cycle starts. Thank goodness for the Holidays to help the time pass by.

Another Hurdle Crossed

2010-12-12T16:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received the results from my CD3 ultrasound/labs. The nurse actually called while I was out shopping. So I found a quiet corner at REI and squatted down with my notebook to write down the numbers she gave me. I must of looked pretty crazy but I didn't care. I had been waiting for that call and I wasn't going to miss the details!

-15 antral follicles

-Lining = 3.9

-Estraidol = 25

-FSH = 7.7

The nurse said that all results were within normal range. I started to google when I got home, but stopped. I need to just be content with the words "within normal range". Anything I find will probably just make me pessimistic. On Tuesday I take an injectables class and then meet for a followup with my Dr. to discuss the game plan. I am not sure why they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class (even before this CD3 testing)...? Maybe because of the trigger shot?

I guess I will find out soon enough. Today I feel hopeful and excited and I will enjoy that while it lasts. I seem to hold my breath and prepare for the worst when getting any kind of results lately, but from what I was told the results didn't show anything bad. So for now I remain optimistic.

At What Expense?

2010-12-08T11:34:00.001-05:00

CD1 today brings with it no disappointment. It is a rare thing. But this past month we needed a break. We were not trying but not preventing which just took a lot of pressure and expectation off. We figured if it hasn't happened by now on our own, it probably won't. I don't think we even BD around peak times, so I was not at all surprised or saddened by this month's AF appearance. I am glad for today because we get to move forward.

I have scheduled my CD3 labs and u/s for Friday. I am excited and nervous to see what comes of it. The last time I had CD3 labs and u/s was a year and half ago and things looked good. I wonder if much can change in that amount of time?

I say I want a baby more than anything but that's not true. I want to keep a good solid foundation in my marriage first and foremost. It is the thing I cherish most in life. That is the reason for this past month's "break". Forced BD was straining our relationship. Yes, this is and is going to be a stressful process, but I keep asking myself, "at what expense". We want a family so very much, but at what expense? To the expense of my health? No. Our marriage? No. Too much financial strain? No. So does that mean I don't want it as much as other people? I don't know and don't think it really matters.

I can see and understand how couples get so deep into this process that is hard to see beyond it. And I get like that sometimes. And I fight that. I don't want to become that. I am afraid of becoming that. So if I continue to ask myself, at what expense? Maybe I will let the answer to that guide me.

I don't know. This whole thing is such a roller coaster and so confusing I don't know what to think or if any of this even made sense outside of my own head!

More Than a Year

2010-12-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

Since my past post I have turned a year older. 27 sounds more than a year older to me than 26 for some reason. But I love celebrating my birthday no matter what age because it is a celebration of life and living.

I have opened up about or IF plans with an aunt and her wife. I figured they would understand being a couple that cannot conceive on their own. And they did. For some reason I don't want to keep it a secret and have lately felt compelled to inform many family members and to talk very openly about it. I guess this surprises me because it is far from the person I used to be.

I used to be this person who exemplified the perfect life as a someone who really had things together. I wasn't this person, but it is who I wanted people to think I was. I didn't really share any negative things in my life with people. The real me remained hidden behind this persona of perfection.

I have changed a lot since then. Being diagnosed with CF and dealing with IF has taught me about opening up and letting people be there for me. I realized that it is hard for people to connect to someone who doesn't have any problems. Problems make us human. And we connect through suffering. Maybe this is why I have been so open with family about our IF. To me its like saying "See people, I am not perfect. I suffer too! I need love and support too!"

I have also learned a lot about the importance of self care. Which is why today I plan on spending a couple hours doing chores around the house and then I am going to get a message, and then relaxing by the fireplace while watching football all day.

Maybe 27 sounds more than a year older than 26 because of the amount of personal growth that has happened in that time...

Waiting, Planning, Preparing

2010-12-01T08:35:00.001-05:00

It is CD23 and I am waiting. AF is expected to arrive in about 7 days. Then I will call to schedule my CD3 ultrasound & b/w. After that I will have another appointment the following week to discuss the game plan and then I should have the IUI #1 in mid to late January. It feels like we are moving at a snails pace, but I guess that is good. It helps to not feel so overwhelmed, but my patience is wearing thin.

DH and I have been discussing adoption and other options, just because I really like to have a backup plan. Not that I am going into the IUI(s) preparing for failure, but it helps to know we will have a baby somehow. I just don't know if I could or would want to go through IVF if needed. I reserve the right to change my mind, and I very well could, but right now I feel like if IUI is not our answer, we might seriously consider adoption.

We have been TTC for 3+ years, and in this time I have not purchased a single item for our future baby. For some reason yesterday I started thinking that I might start buying small things here and there. I guess it kind of reinforces the idea that we are sure we are going to have a baby somehow, someway. And I always like to be prepared and to be "doing something". So what if I have a room full of diapers and no baby for awhile, right?

Is Honesty the Best Policy with IF in the Workplace?

2010-11-29T13:00:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the couple of people who let me know there was an issue with the commenting function on my posts. Hopefully that is fixed now that I have changed the design. Also, thank you for the comments and for following! :) Thanksgiving was great, but now that it is Monday I am back to business and focusing on moving forward with fertility stuff.

My latest stressor has been trying to think of how I will handle missing work for RE appointments for our upcoming IUI adventure(s). A little background info: I work in an administrative position at a college and I have only been working here for 9 months. I do not have a personal relationship with either of my bosses and conversation it is mostly business with occasional small talk. I already miss work more than the average person because I have CF doctors appointments which take a couple of hours, and I usually end up taking a half day and sometimes a whole day just to not feel like I am rushing around.

When I have these appointments I just tell my bosses they are "doctors" appointments or I lie and say I am going to the dentist. I start work at 7:30 so even if my RE appointments are early, it is inevitable that I will have to miss some work. Not to mention the injectables class I have at 1:30pm on a work day in a couple of weeks. I just don't know what to tell my bosses.

It isn't that my job is so very important that me missing occasionally causes any issues. In fact, I am a very fast worker and often have nothing to do because I have already done it. But I don't want to be viewed as someone who doesn't care about there job or who takes it for granted.

Telling the truth has its negatives. 1) It opens up the relationship to a very personal one and I don't know how I feel about that. 2) It tells them that I will (hopefully) soon be on maternity leave or leaving the job (more likely) and the reason the last person in my position left was because she was pregnant. She went on maternity leave and then told them she wasn't coming back. They made it a point to tell me this upon hiring me. 3) People at work (at least my bosses) will know that I might be pregnant and I wouldn''t like them knowing that I could be, or wondering if I am until I am ready for them to know.

I really don't know what to do and I am stressing out about it. Any advice is appreciated. What have you told your bosses?

It Shouldn't Matter...But it Does.

2010-11-23T08:45:00.001-05:00

Other people's pregnancy announcements. I am so conflicted with how I feel on this. Part of the time I think I am crazy for letting it bother me at all. Because what does someone else's life choices/luck have to do with my life's path? But the other part of me can't help but feel sorry for myself.

About a month ago my husband's cousin (whom we are very close to) announced that she was pregnant. Just weeks before she informed me that she wasn't even sure she wanted children but since her husband was going to be getting deployed she wanted to try (turns out he is not getting deployed). She had been married for 2 months. She had been TTC for 2 months.

Yesterday I found out that my cousin is pregnant with #2. She had #1 months after meeting her boyfriend online. She just got married 2 months ago in which she said at the wedding that they would be trying for #2 on the honeymoon. I guess it worked.

When I hear these things I feel self pity and anger. When does doing things the "right" way pay off? Does it ever? Where is our reward for all of the hard work we put into going to college and graduate school? Where is our reward for actually waiting to start trying until after we got married? We have done everything "right" and we are both in jobs we don't particularly enjoy without the one thing we have dreamed of for so long.

In my extended family the majority of babies were conceived "on accident". Most were to unmarried couples. I don't get it. Where is the justice? I know that life isn't fair, but I feel like life keeps punching me in the stomach and I am sick of fighting back right now. I know that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, how good the relationship is, or what your education level is, but the part of me that wants to believe that as long as you work hard life can be what you want it to be won't let go.

I will be around DH's cousin all weekend for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can manage to not let it get me down and enjoy the holiday because I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it is hard to see those things sometimes.

My First IComLeavWe

2010-11-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog. This is my first IComLeavWe. Here is a summary as abbreviated as I can be, about me, my life, and our TTC journey.

I am turning 27 in 2 weeks, and I am a former counselor turned college administrative (boring) position. I will soon be working on a degree in teaching which has been my secret dream job.

My husband and I have been together for over 7 years, married for 3 1/2, and TTC for 3 years.

We have taken a couple of breaks due to huge life challenges (I was diagnosed with "mild" CF-Cystic Fibrosis in 2008) and just feelings of overwhelm. We were set to start an IUI in March of 2009 after a couple of failed rounds of Clomid but backed out because we were scared, overwhelmed, and dealing with CF.

But now we feel stronger than ever and ready to move forward. We are ready to have the family we dreamed of and know that the road ahead may not be easy. We have been open with our TTC journey with family and although the support has been amazing, I still need a group of people that truly understands... hence this blog.

All signs thus far point to a cervical fluid issue due to CF. We are hoping that IUI is our answer. All my other b/w looks good and so does DH's SA.

I hope that through this blog I can make connections with others who are going through similar struggles and further build our support system. I go back and forth between feeling excited about the next step and scared that it won't work and even worse that our dream will never come true.

What you can expect if you stick around and follow my blog: honesty, raw emotions, overanalyzation (I think I made that word up), occasional humor (its in there somewhere), complaining, impatience, and all kinds of other fun stuff!

Up and Down

2010-11-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

What a roller coaster. One second I feel confident, hopeful, positive, "at peace" and excited about our IUI as the next step. But literally the next second I sometimes feel scared, overwhelmed, pessimistic, impatient, doubtful, and hopeless.

Where is the off switch on the brain that shuts up the part that is ruminating about these things? I guess if my job was a little more intellectually stimulating I would have something to occupy my mind...but that is another issue entirely.

And as an aside...I have zero followers currently, which is fine because I have just started this blog. But I found it weird that in previous posts I have asked questions to "an audience" which is probably non existent at this point. So right now I feel like I am really talking to myself. If anyone is out there or reading these posts after the fact, please still feel free to answer my questions or comment, even if it is months after the post. It would make me feel a little less crazy :)

A Start

2010-11-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

We had our appointment with the RE today. It was overwhelming. But good...

I am still processing everything. It takes me awhile to process things when emotions are involved. It looks like an IUI is scheduled for the coming months.

Based on my previous testing, the RE said that the blood work and HSG looked good. Today is CD7 so I have to wait awhile until my next cycle for the CD3 ultrasound. She said based on that we will decide whether oral or injectables are needed. But they went ahead and scheduled me for an injectables class on 12/14...I am kind of confused by this? I also have a follow up appointment with the RE following the injectables class.

I don't know why I am so scared to move forward. I am excited, but really scared. I am afraid of it not working, or of losing a pregnancy. I have not even been pregnant before, but I fear the worst. I am not usually like this with life challenges. I tend to face them head on and with confidence. But this is different. There is so much on the line. Probably my biggest dream in life.

If I know myself well enough I will let myself be scared, but when I need to I will be confident and hopeful. At least I hope so...

A little patience is in order since it looks like my IUI will not be until January. Part of me wants to just go ahead and jump into the pool of cold water instead of anticipating the shock. But that is not realistic and I just need to be patient and handle things one step at a time.

I am worried about how I will handle missing work for appointments. I am not sure what to tell my boss. I already "went to the dentist to get a cavity filled" today. What's next? What do you all tell your bosses?

Clarifying the Future...In One Way Or Another

2010-11-13T07:45:00.000-05:00

Well at least one part of my future is clear. Today, I finally saw this-- Decision: Congratulations, you've been admitted! I mean yeah, it is not the BFP I have hoped to see over the years, but it is still exciting! So in January I will be taking classes and working towards becoming a math and science teacher to 4th-8th graders! I am excited about this, and it gives my life a concrete goal/plan.

Since dealing with infertility, the future is so unclear. Will I be pregnant next year? Will we have a baby next year? The year after? Ever?

I have accepted the fact that I need to have goals and a plan and some of it needs to be within my control. So taking classes and working towards another career is just the ticket! New hope, new possibilities. I have always wanted to become a teacher and especially once we have children. I was a substitute teacher briefly and really enjoyed it! Also, it will be nice to have a career where I will have the same schedule as our child(ren).

It feels good to have a decision about something. Something concrete. I needed this! I feel like I can be more patient with fertility treatments now that I have something else major I am working towards. Does anyone else feel like this? Like they need to work towards something they actually have control over while dealing with infertility? If anything, just to maintain sanity?

Patience Really is a Virtue

2010-11-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

One week until the RE consultation. News Flash: I am not a patient person. I am working on this, but my IF journey has really been a test of patience...and belief. Two things I struggle with. I am trying to keep busy, but once I decide on a plan I want to dive into it 100%.

So much about IF requires waiting.

Waiting to ditch the BCPs until the time is right to try to have children.
Waiting to ovulate.
Waiting during the 2WW.
Waiting to see the doctor.
Waiting on test results.
Waiting to try again.
Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have applied to begin a masters in teaching degree which I would plan on taking part-time, after work. I had a phone interview last week (which I feel went very well). The program coordinator said that candidates would find out their admissions decision within a week or so. I have been obsessively hitting the refresh button on the application status website in which the same statement is shown in red: No Decision at this Time

I see it over and over again. These words pretty much sum up my life right now. Ugh. I am so sick of waiting. I can only be patient for so long. I need answers. I need something absolute. I need to know something definitive so that I can move forward...with something...anything! I feel stagnant and I hate that feeling.

I feel very whiney and I don't think I am normally this whiney. But I am going to be honest on this blog and this is where I am today. Whiney and impatient.

I am also excited and nervous about the consult. I wonder if this RE will have the same plan as the last one (unmedicated IUI). Maybe she will want to re-do all the testing again since they were done a year and a half ago. Maybe she will want to re-do some of the tests. I am hoping another HSG is not going to be ordered. That was not fun. At all.

Above all, I am ready to have a fertility treatment plan. I am ready for concrete steps that my type-A personality can take. I am ready to move forward. Trying on our own and getting BFNs repeatedly feels like we have been banging our heads against the wall. Obviously it is time to move on. I have accepted this. Now I am ready for the next step. Bring it on!

Where To Start?

2010-11-04T21:09:00.000-04:00

About Me:

I am 26 years old, have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have been TTC for 3 years. My TTC journey has an added challenge because I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) when I was 24 years old. If you know anything about CF, you know that it is rare to be diagnosed as an adult. I suffer from a "mild" case and if you would like to learn more about it please email me (ToThoseWhoWait7@gmail.com) and I would be happy to share some info with you. Here is a QUICK summary (CF mostly bothers me w/a persistent cough, and I have to do daily treatments to clear my airways of the thick mucus that can clog them. I have not been "really sick" or hospitalized, or anything like that).

I have another blog that I share with family that talks about my CF journey and touches on our IF struggles. However, I wanted to start a separate TTC blog because as many of you have probably experienced, as much as I open up to family and friends, and express my feelings in the most articulate way possible, they just.don't.get.it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the support I have received from them, but I need a group of people who get it. A place where I can be 100% honest because someone else has probably felt the same way. A place where I can talk about BBTs, SA numbers, Luteal Phases, etc. without explaining what they mean. A place where I can be me.

About Us:

My husband is my best friend, as cliche as that sounds. We met in high school but did not seriously date until college. We have been together for over 7 years, have lived together for 5, and have been married for 3 1/2. We have our struggles like any other couple, but our relationship is my sanity and constant amongst the crazy and turbulent life that has been ours for the past couple of years. We tend to protect each other and "take turns" being stressed or sad, where one person is the rock and the positive one and the other is allowed to be a "mess". Sometimes this works for us, but at other times I wish we would be sad together, or at least be on the same page emotionally. We are working on this...He works for an IT company for Health Care, and I work at a college. Neither of us LOVE our jobs, but they will do for now. I was a counselor for a couple of years, but needed to step back from other people's emotional difficulties while I tried to sort through my own, with being diagnosed with CF and with our IF struggles. I am about to start (slowly) working on a degree in teaching while I am working FT.

Our TTC Journey:

January 2007: Ditched the BCPs
May 2007: Happiest Day of My Life (Got Married)
August 2007: Started TTC (naive me was planning to time things so that our baby would be born right after graduating from my masters program..ha!)
August 2008: After an emotional year of constant BFNs, Ob/Gyn fertility work up (SA results good) Started Clomid, 50mg BFN
September 2008: Clomid 50mg, Round 2, BFN
October 2008: Diagnosed with CF, stopped taking Clomid... had to figure out what this diagnosis meant for us.
November: 2009: DH tests negative for CF carrier test, what a relief! Means that our children have .001% chance of having CF.
February 2009: Consult with RE #1; plan: unmedicated IUI
March 2009: HSG, results (RE says all clear, but ob/gyn says one tube is blocked...?)
April 2009: b/t working full time, IF and CF testing and Drs appointments I was OVERWHELMED. Felt stuck. Too scared and overwhelmed to move forward.
May 2009-July 2010: Halted all ART plans. We needed time to process the CF diagnosis. Not "trying" but not preventing a pregnancy. Just relaxing about TTC = more BFNs
August 2010: Feeling "solid" about CF and life in general. Ready to move forward with TTC assistance.
August 2010-present: Charts look good, but all BFNs
October 2010: Ob/gyn says all looks good, just thick cervical mucus (caused by CF), recommends an RE and is very hopeful for us.
November 15th 2010 (Upcoming): Consult with RE #2

I am nervous and excited to move forward. With what I can piece together from the collective testing from the past couple of years is that our issue might just be cervical mucus, which is the case with many CF women, and so we are hopeful that IUI will be our answer. But I am also guarded because with more hope comes more disappointment if it does not work out.

We are ready to have a family. We feel like we have this abundant amount of love to share with a child. We daydream all the time about our baby and having a family, and all of the fun things we will do together. We are also realistic about it, and are ready for the challenge of a newborn. We are ready for it all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that it will happen for us, even though at times I am so scared that it won't. But I can't let myself go there. For 1) It is too early in the process and 2) It is too sad to think about.

I hope that I can gain (and give) support through this blog because I need it. I have learned how important it is to not feel alone, and to open up honestly to others. I used to think I could handle everything on my own, but now I know it is ok to reach out. So this is me reaching out. Welcome to my blog!